Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

Well, I just turned 20... As I look back to those 20 long years, I could hardly imagine how time seems to fly so fast. It was only yesterday when I was crying over not being allowed to play outside or not being bought of the one toy that I was constantly begging of from my parents. Now, different dilemmas.. same world and yet, if there could be a better word than - "more harsh" - life challenges..

I wonder why it always occur that it's during my birthdays that I experience more stressful situations.. I guess, that's one of the reasons why I've learned not to look forward to or to even appreciate birthdays anymore..or waste time celebrating one day that is not as extraordinary as the other days of the year.

Just this recently, I was literally crashed to death by our IDC presentation.. Even if they tell me it's not entirely my fault, I FEEL LIKE IT IS ENTIRELY MY FAULT.

"..for the record, you did not submit any paper.."

"..you're paper was good, you're explanations were sound. But it's PRESENTATION today.."

Those words kept on bugging me these past few days and that I can't have the guts to get through as if nothing happened. All of my groupmates cried on that day except me, when I have all the reasons to. It's just that, I never really show emotions to anybody. I've never been comfortable crying in front of other people. Besides, we still have treatment sessions for the rest of the day and I don't want to  look wasted in front of my kids. Though, deep inside I feel so torn..guilty.. I felt like I've been so wreckless, lax, stupid.. I hated myself. I hate myself.. I can't even look at my other groupmates as normal as I used to before..without thinking that I was the one who blew our every chances of being the BEST IDC GROUP. Worse, I don't want to be labeled as IRRESPONSIBLE and be known to CAMP as the girl who made such a mess in her entire rotation at CTS-Pedia. I am not like that. I just wonder how I seemed to slowly turn out as such..

Until now, it still bothers me.. Every minute of it.. I wanted to forget everything that happened but, everything's so vivid still in my mind and it suffocates me. I can't function well. I can't finish all my papers.. All I do is sleep...eat...sleep... sleep... By tomorrow, i'll be starting at my next rotation which is at PGH-Ward 5 and i'm not myself yet lately!

On that night after the IDC presentation, I was talking with Crizel, and I wanted to cry then...but I can see that she's not the person who'd know how to comfort a crying bud.. And during those times, I was wondering..if only I could be with my boyfriend..I wanted to hug him so tight and cry it all out because I know he's the only one who can genuinely understand me...and that's when I missed him more..

Thinking about him, still, I was starting to have this feeling that I have not been the best girlfriend for him.. I can't find enough time to be with him, or even text him to tell him how I was so he'd stop worrying about me all the time. I can't quite show him how special he really means to me.. I am not the 'showy' type of person. I am not really good at being sweet and romantic and all..but I'm trying to. Sometimes, I get afraid when I think that one day he might get tired of me simply because I can't return all the favors and special treatment and love he's been giving me. I love him so much...but those words never really seem enough. I wish I could be the perfect girl for him..his idea of a future partner in life as he tries to picture me.

Lyrics: UMBRELLA
(performed by Mandy Moore)

You had my heart
We'll never be worlds apart
They be in magazines, but you'll still be my star
Baby 'cause in the dark you can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share because

When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more then ever know that we'll still have

eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey ey ey ey)

These ... things
will never come in between
You're apart of my entity
Here for infinity
When the war has delt it's part
When the world has delt it's card
If the hand is hard
together we'll mend your heart because

When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more then ever know that we'll still have

eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey ey ey ey)

You can run into my arms
It's okay, don't be alarmed
Come into me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more because

When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more then ever know that we'll still have

eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey ey ey ey)


>>theme song namin ni 'love' ko..=) <<


                                                       

**update daw para kay mamy elle..heheh..well, so far ok naman ako, happy these past few days kahit na toxic at ngarag sa mga paperworks, thesis, exams, at kung anu-ano pang requirements...at ang masaklap pa nito, wala kaming sembreak, huhuhu....(>_<)

haay, septemeber na naman...it's one of these months na I so vividly recall last years' chains of events..yung mga ber months din of the past year yung sobrang naging one of the stressful ones for me...i don't know, bakit ko pa nga ba binabalikan pa yung past...siguro as a sort of self-assessment? a bunch of self-realizations... grabe, it's been a year narin pala....ang bilis, and in the next couple and more days i'd be one year older...hmpf. hahaha! Well, as I recall, ito din yung month before na sobrang ang labo ko. Magkaron ka ba naman ng malabong bf before, hehehe., and i admit sobrang i've not been a good gf. May bf ako nun and at the same time, i'm also in love with someone else, and i'm still entertaining a couple of suitors or so.. hahaha! Mean! empre, when a girl is not satisfied with one thing she seeks another diba, hindi lang yun nag-aaply sa boys!=p Right now nga, the tables have turned. My ex is wanting to see me again...well, maybe someday I might have the time to think it over but for now...there's just not enough room for old time's trash. Like I always say, "I never believed in second chances".

Time has changed. Now i'm currently in a relationship, again, and i would have to say...this is one of the 'serious' ones i had.=) I once told myself na i'd wait for my 'love' (the name i'd call my future husband), and I wonder why I call my boyfriend now that way...hehehe..I love him naman eh, as in so much. It's weird kc nasanay nakong parati ko syang kasama kaya when I go home alone...ang weird na, parang may kulang, rather, hindi nako sanay...heheheh.. may nadiscover akong another weird thing about boys...ganun na ba sila ngayon? pag may bf ang girl lalo silang mangungulit? ang odd.. I know some boys na parati na lang kakamustahin ang status namin ng bf ko as if hinihintay nila na magbreak kami., hmpf ang bad. One suitor I had before, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganun siya ka-persistent that he even told me, "kahit sagutin mo at maging kayo na ni *toot*, maghihintay parin ako., pag nagbreak kayo manliligaw ulit ako sayo"... shet, it's so annoying talaga. Spells out to me like "desperado". Hahaha..ewan ko ba, andami ko na yatang naencounter na iba't-ibang kulay ng boys and sobrang, most of them, are disappointing talaga. Kaya siguro people often say na i'm too picky with boys. Hindi naman..Hindi rin naman ako perfectionist or idealist, i just don't want to end up with a crappy one., what I hate the most is having to regret in the future one thing I've done in the past..

Now, I'm so happy with the choice I made. I got the perfect man, and I'm sticking with him for long...=)