Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

I don't need a lot for christmas
There is just one thing i need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
All i want for christmas is you...

haay... ang lamig na kc, lapit na ng christmas, sarap tuloy magsenti, muni-muni lang, heheh.. pero unlike nung previous christmas, this christmas happy ako..=)

it's been 4 months narin, sa totoo lang, achievement na para saken yun. I was the type kc na madali ring magsawa..hindi ako sanay na pare-pareho na lang., yun at yun na lang.. i always seek for novelty, for something unique and exciting. Cguro it just happens that this time, mahal ko na nga talaga siya..unlike how i ever loved anyone before.. sa kanya kc, pakiramdam ko ang dami-dami ng nabago sa sarili ko. Nasanay ako before na nakukuha lagi ang gusto ko, when it comes to relationships kumbaga, "i am the captain of my ship, i am the master of my fate.." cguro kya narin hindi masydo nagwork yung mga previous relationships ko is because, i thot i have given my best shot, yun pla hindi. Ako rin yung may pagkukulang... ngayon kasi iba na..

Waiting...it is what i hate the most. I was always punctual kc, i rarely become late.. I remember before when i was to meet up with a guy sa mall, na-late lng siya ng wala pang 30 minutes, umalis na ako. And it ended up pa na siya yung super nagsosorry when i was the one who wasn't patient enough to wait. Pero this time, miski ako nagugulat rin sa sarili ko...how i manage to wait for 2 or even 3 hours for him.. pero pag naghihintay ako, parang napakabilis lang ng oras..maya-maya naman makikita ko narin sya.. and he said he managed to wait for me for 3 years...i just didn't ask him,"bakit, sa 3 years ba na yun ako lang talaga yung mahal mo?ako lang yung laman ng isip mo?" Dahil pag sinabi niyang oo, hindi na talaga ako maniniwala sa kanya..

Whenever i am with him, i know i am at peace, secured and contented. Cguro nung mga first months lang namin na i didn't totally trust him all at once...andun pa yung doubts ko sa feelings ko.. I admit, i didn't immediately fell for him. Gusto ko siya..pero during those times, i was still in love with my ex..i still miss him..i'm still longing for him to beg me to come back. Pero nung nangyari yun, I was more inlove na with my present bf.. however, may doubts din ako...sa bf ko..na baka hindi pa sya nakakaget-over talaga sa ex niya..alam ko kung gaano niya minahal yun...kahit hindi niya sabihin saken, naramdaman ko nun sa tuwing magkukwento siya saken dati nung hindi pa kmi, sa maraming beses na nababanggit niya saken yun..nakita ko kung gaano niya yun kamahal at kung gaano siya nasaktan...kaya nga dati, kapag dumarating yung point na, pinaiyak na naman ako ng ex ko, at siya yung nandiyan para makausap, at kung kelan malapit ko na siyang magustuhan...mababanggit niya uli yung ex niya...at nabubura lahat sa isipan ko lahat ng pag-asang pwede ring maging kami. At minsan pag naiisip ko yun, naiiyak na lang ako, thinking na baka i'm facing another heartache na naman and, one more pa talaga hindi ko na kakayanin.. I was never the strong one. The last time my heart was broken, my health almost gave me away.. Kaya nga cguro nung nagtapat siya saken, at inamin niyang mahal niya ko..hindi ako nagulat. Pero hindi rin ako naniwala agad. Cguro gusto niya ko, pero mahal? Masyadong mabigat yung salitang yun para gamitin ng basta-basta..Or cguro ang hirap na lang kc magtiwala.. I was born with the thinking na, i don't need men, or at least be dependent on one man to live happy.. Now, the tables have turned...i am starting to depend on him more than i thought i would.

Whenever i have a new suitor, i was fond of putting them off to a test, but all of them failed. Simpleng pagsagot lang sa tanong na,"bakit mo ko mahal? at bakit ikaw ang kailangang piliin ko?" hindi pa nila maibigay saken yung sagot na hinihingi ko. At yung isa pang test na madalas kong ginagawa, yung pinakahindi nila magawa...ang maghintay ng hindi nila alam kung ano bang standing nila saken.. madalas kc naiinip sila, meaning, hindi sila ganun kasincere. O kaya, sincere sila pero hindi naman willing maghintay. Kaya i was disappointed most of the time, hopeless na hindi ko na makikita yung right guy for me. But now, the guy that i currently love...he fits the position almost more than perfectly...(he he, the sentence was poorly constructed by the way). There's just no way that i could describe in concrete words how much he grew to become such a precious part of me.. When we kiss, i could hardly feel him, parang ang bilis bilis ng oras..and when i hug him...there's a feeling inside of me never wanting to ever let go, dahil baka pag bumitaw ako, mawala siya at hindi ko na siya makita...

Kaya ngayon, natatakot ako... takot kasi, habang tumatagal, lalo ko siyang minamahal and natatakot ako na baka may mangyari at matapos na lang bigla ang lahat. Bukod pa dun, hindi niya pako talaga kilala...marami pa siyang hindi alam..and i wonder if he would still want to spend the rest of his life with me after.. Pero... siya yung gusto kong makasamang maghintay ng sunset sa baywalk, magkahawak-kamay, sweet and still in love at the age of 70 or 80.... I always say to myself, hindi importante kung nakailang relationships ka, or how many times you've been in love...what's most important is that, there is one person, just one man, who is willing to stick it out with you until the end...yung may makakasama ka in the remaining half of your life. At sa panahong iyon, ayokong mag-isa.. Kung iisipin, almost a quarter of my life narin ang naglapse... 7 innocent years plus, 13 years in the four corners of the classroom.. and there, nothing new. After i graduate in college, hindi ko parin alam what would become of me then..

Going back, cguro i'm just the type of person who needs constant reassurance... kaya lang, when he asks me how to prove how much he loves me, actually hindi ko rin alam kung papaano..

Kahapon, nung pinapanood ko yung favorite kong Jdorama, "Long Vacation", kakaiyak grabe, heheh..patapos na kasi. Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Minami,
"Mas mabuti pa nung magkaibigan kami ni Sena.. andito si Sena nakatayo, dito naman si Minami nakatayo sa tabi ni Sena..ang saya-saya namin nun. Pero kapag hinarap niyo na yung nararamdaman niyo para sa isa't-isa..ang hirap pala. Kahit yung maliliit na bagay nagiging malaking problema. At hindi maiiwasang may isang masasaktan.."

tama, may point si Minami. Pero mas may point yung bestfriend niya nung sinabi nya kay Minami na,
"Kaya lumalaki ang maliliit na bagay, at nagsisimula na kayong magselos at mag-away, dahil mahal niyo nga ang isa't-isa. Gusto niyong gawin parati ang tama na kahit na maliliit na bagay lang napapansin niyo na at sinisigurong nasa ayos ang lahat. Dahil importante ang tingin mo sa kanya, at ganun din siya sayo. At ayaw niyong masaktan ang isa't-isa. Pero minsan hindi naiiwasan talaga.."

..at ang cute niya pa habang sinasabi yun, haha! Ang cute talaga ng mga hapon..kahit Jdorama, nagmumukang anime. =p

Anyway, ang point ko lang is..kung minsan nagiging ang babaw pala ng tao, paranoid at sobrang sensitive kapag nasa isang relationship.. dahil may isa ka pang taong kinoconsider parati..dahil ngayon hindi ka na lang nagdedesisyon para sa sarili mo, dahil may isang taong posibleng masaktan o maapektuhan sa kung anumang gagawin mo. Sabi ni Shinji kay Ryouko,
"Hindi ako naniniwalang kailangan mong i-give up ang isang bagay na nagpapaligaya sayo para sa taong mahal mo."
Pero sabi nga ni Sena,
"Kung mahal mo ang isang bagay, gagawin mo lahat para hindi siya mawala sayo..kahit mahirapan ka..kahit nasasaktan ka na. Hinding-hindi ka aalis sa tabi niya. Ipaglalaban mo parin siya."

..ang sweet ni Sena!! Hahaha!! La lang, grabe kung saan-saan na nauwi itong post na 'to. Heheh, cge nood muna ulit ako "Long Vacation". Final episode na ngayon. buh-bye!