Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

A couple of hours ago, after surfing the net and all..i fell asleep. And as what usually happens to me, i think i had another "episode" of not that i know of yet. I started having this condition since high school, if i am not mistaken, and until now i keep having it every once in a while. There are even times that it happens twice or thrice a day. Sometimes it doesn't happen to me for quite a long time. It occurs more frequently whenever i am stressed. Whatever it is, i have yet to find out.

Whenever i sleep, i kind of awaken in the middle of my deep slumber.. i mean, i don't entirely wake up it's just that, i know i'm already awake and yet my body is kept immobile. It's not a nightmare for i did not have a scary dream whatsoever, it's just that, when i try to wake up i just can't... I want to move my body but i can't, i want to scream but not a sound comes out of my mouth.. And sometimes, i even see the people or things around me and yet they don't seem to notice me struggling beneath my "still sleeping" facade. And when i do manage to get out of it, my head hurts like hell and my heart palpitates crazily. I had not yet sought for a medical consultation regarding this because i never really take it as a big deal. And i've always believed that it's just normal and it happens to virtually everyone. Although, not as frequent as mine.. Some incidence of it before, indeed, was presided by a bad dream that is why i thought it's just a nightmare, although a lot of people have died already of not being able to wake up from a bad dream..hehe.. I have been living a healthy lifestyle, and i know i am. I do not drink or smoke often, and i am even anemic... Recently, it happens even without a dream.

There was one instance when it occured at school, when i fell asleep while my other blockmates that i'm with were still chatting.. same thing happened, i awoke..i can't move my body.. excpet that i think my eyes are open because i could actually see my blockmate beside me laughing at me.. i want to open my mouth and shout, hoping that she could hear me..i want to shout "help! wake me up, please..slap me or anything.." but there..i was stoned for almost 10 or 15 minutes. When i finally recovered, my blockmate was asking me about what's going on with me because my eyes kept moving expeditely but she never bothered waking me up because she thinks i'm still asleep. I told her, "of course i'm having my REM ok..i'm asleep.. but please shake me to get back because i'm having a nightmare already.."

Whenever it happens..there's always this fear that i would no longer wake up.. that i would no longer recover or get back to the real world. I once asked my mom about it, surprisingly, she also had the same condition back when she was still in high school. She told me that she gets so scared before and she struggles to really wake up from sleeping..but it's tiring...so she just said to herself, "bahala na..kung hindi magising eh di hindi.." Fortunate enough, she's still alive up to now, married had raised a family..and she's still with us!=)

The last "episode" was a bit creepy when, i was sleeping in my room in the middle of the night..i don't know if i am dreaming or what but i keep hearing this strange sound as to an airplane. It's just weird that the sound seems to have been coming from just above my ceiling?! And it is slowly drawing nearer.. I awoke from my sleep and still the same thing, i can't move..i can't speak..i want to shut my eyes wide open but i just can't...and then, i feel so light i could feel like my soul is slowly leaving my body.. that's when i felt scared and i was really determined to, hey! move!!! So i finally woke up, hardly catching my breath..my head aching as to a migraine of some sort. A lot of times, it's accompanied by a weird sound like a sound of a malfunctioning wirings or electrical connection inside my head..

I remember one of my classmates before told me that there is a type of seizure that occurs during sleep... i was thinking then, am i having seizures all this time? NO, i don't want to think of it that way... aren't all the skills and knowledge of a person zeros down below after a seizure attack??

As i was saying, just an hour ago, i had this "episode" again. It's so darn scary 'coz in the middle of it, i hear a male voice..a full and deep male voice saying "hello"... i was so scared...really damn scared...and i really pushed myself to wake up, determined not to sleep again, for now, until the evening. Am i hallucinating already? Of hypnopompic type? Although, it's nonpathological anyway..it's just quite disturbing.. 

*....grabe ang dami ko namang sakit! just when i grew up algophobic.. hahahah ;p