Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

Okay, so now I'm sort of 'back to myself' again. Back to reality. During these past few days I've been in one of the most ravishing turmoils of my life. How I've hated this year...my bf and I broke up, my father had been sick for a while and I...am slowly losing my grip of my academic endeavors..

Last March 29, if my memory serves me right, my father suffered from acute MI. We actually didn't have any idea that he was already suffering from heart attack that  time. Days prior to this, he had been complaining of angina pectoris almost every single minute, and when one day it won't come off..we brought him to the hospital.

I was never really a daddy's girl, but I was hopeless that time and the thought that any minute I may no longer be able to see him again just freaks me out. He may not be the best father I've known but he remains still, my father, and I love him nevertheless. It would just tear me up to realize that I would have lost all the chances of making up to him. Fortunately, the day before his birthday, his heart rate finally stabilized and there were very minimal to no chest pains that he was then discharged. The ECG revealed that he now has 3 blockages in the arteries of his heart. So now, we're very cautious..for any burst of emotion or undue fatigue might finally give him away. Now, he has been taking 6 different medications.. I was teary-eyed when the doctor told us that, had we not brought him to the hospital that night...we could have lost him. My father was constantly saying then, "I wouldn't make it to my birthday.." Surprisingly, and fortunate enough, he did! And I couldn't be thankful enough that we still have him.
So on April 1st, the day of his 59th birthday, we prepared a small gathering and it almost seemed like the reunion of the Torres clan. All of his brothers and sisters were present, they came to check on how's my dad been doing..except for my other two aunt and uncle in the states who, of course, wouldn't be able to come. It was so much fun. My dad said, that day was a sort of his "thanksgiving" for everyone who helped us during his time of need, and of course to the Lord, for giving him another chance to live and to celebrate another day of his life still. Certainly, it was not any joke of April's fools.=)


Sad enough, it didn't turn out well with regards to my studies.. I was to take the removals due next week for one of my subjects. Still, I was thankful enough that IT IS a second chance still. I mean, taking the removals is a lot better than acquiring a grade of five and failing straight right? So this following week, I guess I'd spend my time studying... yes, studying and studying...LOTS of studying... I really can't believe this is happening.. I thought I'm gonna finish through the University of the Philippines without ever taking a removal exam, but I guess, I 'swallowed my own words'. Reality check: I am taking the removals, and there's no way anything is going to happen to change it. I admit, it is my fault anyhow. Because of all the life crises I had gone through within the pasr months, I wasn't able to focus hard on my studies. I've been delinquent...in despair...pathetic. But I am willing to push harder this time. I wouldn't blow the chance, the only chance I'm left with to correct all my mistakes and to even out all my life's creases.

..and about my crappy lovelife...which all the while sucks..
Indeed, revenge is sweet. I admit, I was really pissed off when I found out that he has a new one already and...I hate to be mean but...she's, I mean..she's..she's.. Darn! I would have expected, knowing my ex, that he'd stumble with a super pretty model-type gal, and look what I bump into ravaging his friendster profile, a picture of a girl..Yeah, just a girl. Nothing so unique about her. She's not pretty at all, and she even looks a lot older than her age..than our age. Oh well, I guess he really loves that woman. And he really really likes such kind of biatches.. Heck, I don't want to speak any more bad words about how stupid or ugly that girl looks. But the thing of it is, hey I know I'm not that pretty, but...you know what pisses a lot of girls most? It's when the guy that they love leave them, throw them up like a junk in exchange of a not-so-worthy girl at all! It's just humiliating, so frustrating and oh..stupefying!
Yes, I've plotted for revenge. I know a lot of my friends who know me very well as miss goody-two-shoes would have reacted violently with this remark but, after all he had done to me? Tanga lang ang tanga. haha! That was quite redundant, but what I am really trying to say is that...I've been hurt so much that I need to do something to gratify myself and to at least gain back the pride and sense of confidence I once lost. And I know he and his girl has been checking my friendster profile a lot lately...so now I was pretending that his guy friend and I are on. It is, I think, the most excruciating thing I could do to him. I recall, that guy used to be one of my consistent suitors for almost three years and no matter how many times I would dump him, he keeps on coming back nagging. When my ex and I first got together, my ex told this guy to stay away from me. I don't know but, all this time, this two are in a sort of constant competition of some sort or are very insecure toward each other. My ex were constantly asking me back then if his friend is still texting me, if he's courting me or if I even like his friend. And my ex's friend, on the other hand, would keep on asking about my ex, if we still have a communication up to now et cetera et cetera. Now, my ex's friend is courting me, and because I'm really pissed off by how childish these crappy things are turning out...I said to my ex's friend, okay so we're on. I know this guy really loves me but the truth is, I don't love him the same way and I'm not really taking it seriously in any sense. Darn, I'll never even get to like him. I hate pathetic guys. I hate drama kings. I hate Mr. self-absorbed and Mr. self-conscious. Most of all, I'm just doing this to get even with my ex. I want him to pay for every bit of pain he has caused me. I want him to cry. I want to see him begging on his knees regretting he even thought of messing up with me. Haha! Now that's exaggerated already. But I quit. I admit, I wasn't really that mean at all. I can't. I broke up with him, my ex's friend, four days after.
I'm just afraid of one thing....that for all this, the guy that I currently really like and is starting to love might hate me once he find out about this. He might think I'm such a psychopathic moron who's not worth it. I hope not so... I'm just waiting for him to help me set things right though..... And yes, I already love him. I just wish he knows...and I just wish that I am also the girl he is talking about that he loves...but... I'm not so sure now..............

I am not at all bitter about my ex, well perhaps, slight. I mean, we had our days and I had been at least happy when we were still together. What just stabs me to death is knowing that he never cares a bit...that he never really loved me after all. His friend told me that while we're still on, he has another girl. So that explains him erasing all my friendster testi and comments. That explains him not having to remember to celebrate our monthsaries. That explains him not having to care a bit when I broke up with him. And yet, that girl... his new girl... he had her photo and everything about her all over his friendster profile. And he was never proud when I was his gf.. But I, I knew it all along...that's what women call 'gut feeling.' I wanted to hate him but it hurts so bad. All of this, I just ignored. What I'm just sad the most is that...he disappeared in my life during the times when I needed him, badly needing him the most... he used to be my strength.

Earlier this morning, I went to school to follow-up on my removal exam. Then there was this guy during the ride on the bus bound school - he's older than me but he seemed harmless anyway, who sat beside me. I was all the more surprised when he told me, "if you don't mind me asking...why are you sad?" I was shocked because, I am used to having the guy seated beside me initiating a conversation, asking for my name then my number, bottomline: can I court you? But this guy, he was just...weird. It was rather ironic. I just smiled in reply before he said, "I've been looking at you for a while and it seemed like something's bothering you. Studies? ..your boyfriend? stop thinking about him, after all, he hurt you.."
Well, he's right. I can't believe he's right. This guy, whom I never really knew at all and who knows nothing about what's going on in my life now.... So we talked a bit, he was kind anyway, but I never poured my heart over or anything. I never really enjoyed talking with strangers in the bus. When I came to school to meet my friend..and after finishing our to-do task for the day, she treated me with an overwhelming cup of ice cream, because it's her birthday next week. Yeah, ice cream has always been my best stress-relief, and I really loved Icebergs' serving of luscious cookies 'n cream. Then when I got home, my high school bestfriend came over and, we didn't really talk about you-know matters but it was just nice having her beside me...just there.
And because of all of this, I realized one thing. The Lord has been constantly trying to steer me away from the cliff of uncertainties and despair, he was trying so hard to make me happy through other people but I kept on insisting, "i'm sad, i'm sad, i'm sad!" That's why I never really became happy, because I've been telling myself for so long that I'm sad and that's what I want to believe in. Still, it is never too late to change things and gear up to become a better person right? By then I would be more deserving for a better life.