Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

"When The Last Teardrop Falls"

It's so hard to lose the one you love
To finally have to say goodbye
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holdin' on
And all that you can do is cry
Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on
When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone

[Chorus:]
When the last tear drop falls
I'll still be holdin' on to all of our memories
And all of what used to be

When the last tear drop falls
I will stand tall
And know that you're here with me in my heart
When the last tear drop falls

So now I'm alone and life keeps movin' on
But my destination still unknown, oh yeah
Will there be a time when I'll fall in love again?
When I was meant to walk these streets alone
If there was just one wish I could be granted here tonight
It would be to have you right back by my side

[Chorus]

Now it's time for me to find my happiness again
And the emptiness from missin' you
Will never ever end, baby

la lng.. i miss him... i miss my ex... kaya lang hindi ko na talaga alam gagawin ko..o kung ano pang dapat gawin.. gusto kong iconvince yung sarili ko na hindi sya yung guy para saken at na eventually makakalimutan ko rin sya...kaso ang hirap.. ang hirap talaga... bawat araw na lang pag gising pa lang maiisip ko sya.. at bago matulog maaalala ko lahat ng masasayang memories nung magkasama pa kami..at makakatulog na naman akong maga ang mata.... pero haay....anu nga bang dapat gawin.... naiipit ako sa sitwasyon kung saan gusto ko ng maggive up..o kelangan magpursigi pako lalo dahil baka dumating yung time na bumalik ulit sya at maging ok ulet kami.... lord give me a sign.... ano ba talagang gusto mong gawin ko, kalimutan na sya o magpatuloy pa..?

gumising ako kaninang handa nang kalimutan sya....papasok ako ng masaya at magaan ang pakiramdam...kaya lang tinugtog bigla sa bus yung theme song namen.. tapos umulan pa...binuksan ko yung payong kong purple na masisira na halos pero hindi ko magawang paltan dahil bigay niya yun.... o shet pagkakataon nga naman!... tapos... yung patient ko sa clinic na adolescent, na may crush saken, putek buong araw akong kinukulit kung sino ang boyfriend ko..lagi ko na nga lang sinasabi, "it's rude to talk to your teacher that way.."

nung undas naman.. yung mga walang magawa kong mga kamag-anak ang bungad agad saken pagdating ko nung reunion, "o kamusta na kayo ng boyfriend mo?".. "c albert kilala ko yun e nakikita ko un.." .."tga camella yun diba?" .."wala na kayo??"..

pota...buong araw un ang usapan....

minsan pauwi ako galing work ko sa mandaluyong..nakasakay ako ng fx... ang lungkot talaga...ewan ko ba..palagi ko parin naiisip at twing maiisip ko nasasaktan ako... parang paulit-ulit na rumirindi sa utak ko lahat ng masasakit na salita na binitawan niya..at ang pinakamasakit nga dun ay nung sinabi niyang hindi niya nako mahal.... maya-maya bumaba na yung pasaherong nasa tapat ko.. hindi ko napansin agad, nung tinitigan ko tsaka ko lang nakita...nakaiwan pala sya ng isang candy.... snowbear.... haay, lord ang kulit mo talaga hehe...matagal ko ring hindi nakita yung candy na yun ah... naalala ko tuloy nun nung hindi pa kami...sya yung matalik kong kaibigang lalake..at lagi ko sya binibigyan ng wrapper ng snowbear dahil sabi nia kinukulekta niya yun.. minsan nakakatawa kasi bibili pa talaga kami ng snowbear na candy para lang sa wrapper...lucky charm niya daw kasi yun...

kaninang umaga nagising ako iyak ng iyak dahil sa bad dream... napanaginipan ko kasi na nagupdate na sya ng profile sa friendster at inalis niya na lahat ng pictures namen dun.. kaya nga pagbangon ko kating-kati ako maginternet..buti na lang dream lang..kung nagkataong totoo yun...shet sobrang sakit nun pag nagkataon...kasi pag yun nawala...ibig sabihin wala na talaga...wala ng pag-asa... 

akala ko nun im falling out of love na dahil lagi syang walang time para saken at hindi sya makapgexert ng effort para iparamdam saken kung gaano ako kaimportante sa kanya..akala ko nun hindi ko na sya mahal kaya nakipagdate aq sa iba.. akala ko nun hindi cia yung guy na para saken at merong iba na mas deserving para saken... pero akala ko lang yun. mahal ko parin sya. sobrang mahal na mahal.. malapit ko na ngang isumpa ang word na mahal....haayy...akala ko dati hindi ko na sya mahal..akala ko dati ako yung madaling makakapagmove on...hindi pala. nagkamali ako. mas madali niya ko nalimutan. mas madaling nawala yung love nia para saken.. alam ko nagkamali ako..nasaktan ko sya..at sobrang pinagsisisihan ko na yun.. pero may mali din naman sya ah. hindi sya perpekto. at hindi rin ako perpekto. kung si god nga marunong magpatawad bakit sya hindi... bakit hindi niya ko mabigyan ng pangalawang pagkakataon.... pakiramdam ko tuloy nakapatay ako ng tao..o nakadroga ako..o nagmassacre ako ng isang buong syudad.

sabi niya saken dati.. "nag-aalala parin naman ako para sayo kaya wag mong isiping balewala ka na. may gusto lang akong ituro sayo.." ngayon alam ko na kung ano yun. gusto niyang ituro saken na.... malalaman mo lang talaga kung gaano kaimportante sayo ang isang tao kapag nawala na sya sayo....

haay blog.. akalain mo.. sa mga ganitong panahon lang kita napapansin... hehe.. siguro naimbento nga talaga ang blog para may hingahaan ng sama ng loob ang mga taong emo... mga taong mapagpanggap.. ok narin to diba? at least isipin na lahat ng tao ang gusto nilang isipin...pero ikaw blog..ikaw lang ang tunay na nakakakilala saken..ang tunay na nakakaintindi ng nararamdaman ko.. hehe hindi ko nga alam kung may nakakabasa ba nito... well, ok narin na wala...kasi baka isipin ng mga tao sobrang loser ko na....

kanina kausap ko sya...haay...ang hirap...bumabalik na naman yung sakit ko...yung episodes ng paghyhyperventilate..sakit sakit sa dibdib...kaso hindi naman maiwasang sumama ng loob...minsan kasi mamimili ka.. ano sasaktan mo na naman ang sarili mo sa pakikipagusap sa kanya? o dedma na lang sa pride..

minsan hindi ko lang talaga matanggap siguro sa sarili ko na wala na... wala na talaga... paulit-ulit na naman niyang sinabi diba ann? maniwala ka na kasi. tanggapin mo na. wala ka na talagang magagawa... sumuko ka na. tanggapin mo na na ngayon wala ka na talagang puwang sa puso niya at kahit kailan, kahit ano pang gawin mo hindi na ulit magkakaron..isang katotohanang hindi mo na mababago.. hindi sa lahat ng panahon panalo ka.. hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon makukuha mo yung gusto mo..

sana matapos na lahat.... sana makalimutan ko narin sya.... sana makaalis nako agad.. siguro sa ibang lugar, mas madali ako makakapagpatuloy sa buhay.....

ito ang unang beses, in almost 2 months na nakatulog ako ng maaga..at ng hindi umiiyak.. it was quite unusual actually.. pero mas magaan ang pakiramdam ko ngaun.. sobrang dami ng nangyari... mga pagbabago sa buhay ko na nakakaoverwhelmed talaga...pero ngayon maganda ang gising ko.. dahil nakatulog ako kagabi...dahil sya ang huling kausap ko bago ako natulog...nakakapanibago.. pero nakakamiss din.. alam mong kausap mo yung taong pinakaimportante sa buhay mo pero alam mong sadyang hindi na maibabalik ang lahat sa dati.. parang napakatagal na panahon na ang lumipas..simula nung nakasama mo sya..nahahawakan ang mga kamay niya..at nayayakap at nahahalikan sya... hindi ko na maalala kung anong pakiramdam ng hawak niya..ng higpit ng yakap niya... gusto kong matandaan...ayokong makalimutan....
haay anne... isa kang malaking tanga.. ang tanga tanga mo talaga....
bakit mo hinayaang mangyari ang lahat ng ito? bakit mo hinayaan syang mawala? bukas imimeet ko yung photographers ko para sa shoot ko sa sunday...sa saturday naman may aattendang go-see for an event.. kahit na busy ako sa work at sa shoots or rakets..bakit ganun...may panahon parin ako para isipin sya... at alam mo na kahit gaano kasaya o kaperpekto na ang buhay mo ngayon.. nasa iyo na lahat ng hinihiling mo o pinapangarap mo.. parang may kulang parin.. hindi ka parin masaya.. kasi alam mong yung taong dahilan kung bakit ginagawa mo ang lahat ng ito..ung nagbibigay ng saysay o katuturan sa lahat ng ginagawa mo ay wala na.. hindi mo na kasama.. at malaking bahagi nito ay kasalanan mo.. naisip ko nga.. gagawin ko na lang ang lahat para ayusin ang buhay ko..tuparin ang mga pangarap ko..tapusin ang mga planong hindi natapos, o hindi pa nasisimulan.. unti-unting magmove on sa buhay..siguro darating din ung panahon na mas gagaan din ang lahat... at makakalimutan ko rin sya.. malay mo sa susunod na magkita kami, mas magiging madali na ang tumawa at kausapin sya.. guso ko pagdating ng panahon na yon maging proud sya saken... gusto ko maging crush niya ko ulet...ung taong hinangaan niya sa pagiging simple at maprinsipyo sa buhay.. o kung hindi man nya ko maging crush ulet, at least hindi nmn niya ikahiya na minsan nya akong minahal.. mahal na mahal ko sya..sobra.. sa buong buhay ko ngayon ko lang naramdaman to...ung sinasabi nila na nagmamahal ng walang kasiguraduhan..o hinihintay na kapalit.. kahit alam kong nawala na yung love nia para saken.. at darating ung time na may makikilala sya na magbibigay sa kanya ng higit pa sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya...masakit..oo..pero magiging masaya ko makita ko lang sya na masaya.. dahil alam kong nabago ko sya..nasira ko yung pagkatao nya dahil sa nagawa ko sa kanya...at ako ang pinakaunang taong magiging masaya pag nakita ko uli yung dating masayahin, malambing at pinakamabait na sya...
ngayon nakakausap ko sya..hindi ko maiwasang mangulila.. ngayon ko naiintindihan yung tunay na kahulugan ng katagang "so near yet so far"... ngayon na hanggang picture ko na lang sya nakikita.. at gabi-gabi paulit-ulit kong binabasa yung huling sulat nya saken na halos masaulo ko na dahil ginawa ko nang bedtime story..hehe.. at tanging yung stuff toy na lang na bigay nya saken yung nayayakap ko parati at iniimagine na sya...hindi ko alam kung mas payat o mas mataba na sya ron.. haays..ang sakit...sobrang sakit parin.. pero kasalanan kong lahat ng ito...iniisip ko na lang na.. i deserve everything that happened..dahil naging tanga ako...
kanina bago ko umuwi galing work, pinag-iisipan ko kung bibili ako ng polvoron...favorite kc ni papa un naisip kong uwian sya..pero naisip ko rin, bawal yun sa kanya..dahil high-blood sya at diabetic..pero gustong-gusto niya un eh.... kung minsan bakit kc kelangan pang magdesisyon ng tao..kelangan pa mamili kung yung bagay ba na tama..o yung bagay na nagpapasaya sayo..

haay ewan.. basta ngayon gusto ko magpakamiserable..heheh... after nito, hopefully..mejo ok nako.

5 years.. ..3 years that you waited.. ..2 years that we’ve been together.. It’s October 20, 2009 today… it’s supposed to be our 27th monthsary that we will celebrate together…. I hated myself. I hate myself until now… I always wanted more…not realizing that I once had the best… only to realize it all now that he already left…and now, a great part of myself was missing, and I’m afraid that I would just never be whole again…. I miss him.. I still love him.. I have always loved him. It has always been him. There was no one really. How could he know? He never listened to me. And he never listens now.. There were a lot of things that came…and grew…between us that set us apart. Things we had no power or control over. I just miss the person who made me believe in the real me.. the person who I first turn to when I want to cry… the person who I vowed to be with for the rest of my life.. I know he is happier now with someone else… he doesn’t have to tell me that.. and I can’t bear to see that… I would have fought for him… I would have done everything to set things right.. I would have done everything for my parents to really like him and fall in love with him… I would have done it all…. But what’s the use of trying when he no longer wants me…when he no longer believes in me…when every word he says now stabs me to death.. I know.. I made him that way. He was indifferent because of me. I’m letting him go.. even if I don’t really want to.. even if it means crying my heart out every night…spending all those sleepless nights watching nonsense dvd films.. or drinking and smoking.. nothing was ever worth it. I love you albert.. I always will…even if it means setting you free.. I’m giving you up..if it’s what makes you happy. .even if it means having me out of the picture.. Remember when I once told you that I’ll only leave you if I ever hear it straight from you that you no longer love me? Well… you said it last night… on our supposed to be 27th “love day”…so I guess.. goodbye…

Right now, I’m just overwhelmed with a mixture of feelings… I was never used to writing at the height of my emotions because then I would be irrational. It happened yesterday, right when I’m starting to get used to the hang-ups of what has been starting to turn out to be my daily work routine. You wake up on a Monday…go to work. You wake up on a Tuesday…and go to work. Then it’s Wednesday. Then it’s Thursday and so on. Next week it will be Monday again, Tuesday again, so on and so forth. Until yesterday, I was shaken up or should I say beaten up by one of my ‘big’ kids that it served as a point of realization for me.



I was riding on the fx bound home and, really, I couldn’t help but cry. Good thing it’s dim as tears are welling up beneath my eyes. It just feels so sad… Earlier that day, my ‘big’ kid as I have said threw tantrums because of a petty thing – I didn’t fix her hair into a “pigtail” just because I have only one rubber band with me at that time and she doesn’t want a “ponytail”. She got really agitated, she was hurting herself, and she almost broke the wooden tables and chairs inside the room. She banged and pushed all the things on the table that they scattered all over the floor. Worse, she broke the aircon, and she almost broke the window. I was trying to restrain her, as any OT would do, but I just can’t. I can’t remember how many times I hit my head on the wall just because I was trying to protect her from getting harmed or from hurting herself during the incident. I admit she was so much stronger, taller and faster than I am that I can’t contain her. Finally, her nanny came in and she tried to calm her. When she finally relaxed, and her nanny was out already, we continued with our session. I tried my best to control my emotions, I didn’t want to cry as she performs the activities… I was crying not because I got hurt. Really, it was nothing to me. I’ve seen or handled worse. Her nanny even told me that it was not the worst yet that she did. As an OT, I was used to handling kids with behavioral problems ranging from mild to severe – from simple pinching, biting, kicking to almost ruining the entire therapy room. I cried because…I felt worthless during that time. I wasn’t able to do anything. Being a licensed occupational therapist…who am I to lecture caregivers and parents regarding behavioral modification techniques when I can’t even restrain or control this kid from throwing tantrums?or from wrecking the room? After 4 years of college, I felt like I’ve learned nothing. I definitely felt terribly awful… Before our session ends, right when she’s about to finish our coloring activity, I gave her a blank sheet of paper where she could scribble or what we call in psychiatry, “sublimate” her aggressiveness. I was surprised to see her drawing circles which later on turned out to be “smiley faces”, and she filled out the entire sheet of paper. She colored them and after that she folded the paper into four. I was watching her as she does it and I was shocked that she handed it to me then kissed me on the cheek. Oh I get it! She actually made a sorry card for me. *aww..* This kid is non-verbal and she has autism. Although she can imitate verbally the words “sorry” when her nanny asked her to say so after she threw tantrums…this is really a big deal for me - to think that she actually thought of making a card to make up for what she has done? Isn’t that sweet! =)



When I’m finally bound home…that’s when I pondered over the things that happened. Now I realized, all those “clinical reasoning” and “self-reflection” lectures by Mam Cabatan really come in handy in the real work setting. You begin to notice your mistakes and at the end of the day, you learn from them. How could I forget our psych lectures during internship?that to manage an aggressive patient, it’s not always best to confront him. If he’s mad to death, be calm and objective. That’s what I should have done during that incident. I should have tried to calm her down instead right when I see that being firm no longer works - that is what Behavioral Modification Technique is all about.



“I’ll be happy when…” Now I realize how sad that sounds and how many people commit that same mistake. According to the book I’ve read entitled “Being Happy” - If we’re unhappy, it’s because life is not as we want it. Life is not matching our expectations of how it “ought” to be and so we’re unhappy. Happiness is a decision.” Like what the father of one of my patients told me, I’ve been living a fast-tracked, clock-driven life, I should take a break every once in a while. Wu-wei…just go with the flow. I think that’s how other happy people’s lives are. Hoff said: “When we learn to work with our Inner nature, and with the natural laws operating around us, we reach the level of Wu Wei. Then we work with the natural order of things and operate on the principle of minimal effort. Since the natural world follows that principle, it does not make mistakes. Mistakes are made – or imagined – by man, the creature with the overloaded Brain who separates himself from the supporting network of natural laws by interfering and trying too hard.” I’m always setting standards for myself. I’ve always been obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist-idealist type of person…and now it has consumed me. It’s starting to set boundaries of what I could measure up for happiness. “I’ll be happy when…” Now I know I should be happy because I’m blessed for all these. And just like Winnie the Pooh’s philosophy – while Eayore frets, and Piglet hesitates and Owl pontificates…Pooh just is. I am what I am now, and it’s exactly what I need to be happy. I commit mistakes, I learn from them, and everyday I grow as a better person.



Right now, my head still aches during that incident...but it doesn't matter. It would continue to remind me of my desire to shape the behavior of my kid, to fulfill my wish if it's ever possible, to see her live as normally as any individual could. ^_^

It's quite amusing when you're with someone for quite some time and you find yourself wondering..how long am i going to stick with this person? Then you wake up all of sudden thinking why everything seems to have changed, and that something felt a lot stronger..

There are days when i'm at my lowest that i couldn't even paste a smile..that i want to get mad at him, i get so irritated of him for no apparent reason and yet, i just want to embrace him..that every mistake is a strong blade tearing you worlds apart and you get weaker every time..

There are times when i want to give up...and yet i don't want to let go.

There are times when he tells me the silliest of jokes and i find myself smiling..

There are nights when i can't sleep all just because i can't get him off my mind..

I just hugged him a minute ago and yet i already miss him..

It has just been 5 minutes when i last heard his voice and yet it seems like it was so long ago..

It's when you are together and you're always afraid for time to pass by..

It's when you speak in silence, and you just stare at his face through his eyes and he asks you why..all you say is "nothing, i just want to remember you.."

It's when he smiles and it makes you see the beauty of each coming tomorrow..

It's his grip that makes you never want to let go..

It's every moment that you lost him and you're filled with all the regrets..and one pang of guilt never leaves you and makes it all seem different..

It's when you say "I love you" and it felt like you've said all the words you could possibly say and it never seemed enough..

He's everything and so much more..

How can I love him like i've never done so before?

It's when...you look at him..and you're always afraid of losing him..and it threatens you about the uncertainty of forever and the consistency of the here and now..

How can i look at him and see something i couldn't hold up into the palms of my hands and yet i never want to lose grip of..

It's like feeling like crying even when you have nothing to cry about..

It's like you want to have all the reasons just to be with him...to be one with him..and then you'd wish the world would just stop turning..

It's like.....he's all you think about..and he's all that matters.

It's like a habit you've been trying to break and now you're just hooked..

It's like meeting someone ordinary...who turns out to be all you'll ever ask for in your life..someone who could mean so much that it hurts to think about..someone who stole you of yourself and yet you just gained anew.. someone..... just someone...

Someone i love

Like everyday's the last.....

The Lord really has a wonderful way of amusing us…and today, I was deeply touched. I got home today at around 8:30PM, instead of around 7PM on regular days. The reason for it is because my 2PM patient couldn’t make it on their allotted time for therapy session for some reasons so they requested if they could have it at 7 or 8PM instead. I was hesitant to give them the 8PM schedule because a 3-year old boy should have been sleeping at that time, or may be sleepy to say the least. Fortunately, the parents of my 7PM patient cancelled their therapy session for today because they have other things to take care of, so I placed them at 7PM. After our session, the father of my kid offered me a ride home and a dinner. I rode with them on the way, they just dropped me off at the corner of our street, and I no longer agreed with the offer of dinner for my family is also waiting for me for dinner. Besides, it’s too much already. =) While on our way, the father of my patient told me how denial he was at first regarding their son’s condition; that he cried so hard when they found out that his child has autism. It was an expected baby and they prepared for it for almost 11 years. They’ve given the best of everything to have this kid delivered and brought up as a healthy normal child.. Well I guess you can never really tell… At the back seat, I can’t help but wonder…this man…the father of my patient, of whom I’ve handled for only 3 sessions now, has been pouring his heart out to me that I could almost see tears welling up beneath his eyes.


“You’ve been such a blessing to us and for my child. The fact that you gave us your time, the time when you should have been already home with your family...I can never be grateful enough that you’re sharing yourself with our child..”


His words have deeply touched me that I wanted to cry right at that moment, hehe..


“Nitong mga nakaraang linggo ko lang medyo natatanggap na ang lahat…Ngayon nga naiiwan na naming syang nakaupo mag-isa sa front seat, dati ang likot-likot niyan, karga-karga ng yaya sa likod..It was actually our first time to go out together without his yaya.”


I wanted to say…”it was nothing, really.” When I started to work as an OT, I’ve conditioned myself already that I am here to help other people…that’s why I never really take it as a big deal because it is my job. I wanted to find the right words then, to comfort him, to make him better understand his child…and that God has better plans for him, but I choke on my words.


What moved me more was when he said, “there’s a book on the seat, beside you…it’s for you.” I reached for the book. I was amazed when I saw it, and It was entitled: “Why this lady can laugh (A Portrait of a Virtuous Woman).” I could hardly believe that someone appreciates me that much…the simple things that I do.


When I said this day was quite among the strangest that I’ve had, I mean it. I woke up this morning getting a little tired of what have been becoming my usual routine every day, of every week, of every month…and tomorrow is already October by the way. This past few weeks, I’ve been doubting what I do…I get a little paranoid on how the parents of my kids perceive me…on how the quality of my treatment has been affecting my kids. I get easily frustrated if I don’t get the progress I want to see from my kids, or that I don’t see a little improvement from their previous level. Then again, I spoke to soon. I realized just now that I’ve been hurrying my life so much, now I can no longer enjoy it. All of a sudden, things like this happen, sweeps me off my feet that I can’t help but say, “..the Lord loves me so much because He makes me love other people…and they love me back.” =)

ndi q kayang maging ung gurl na parating maghihintay sayo sa twing male-late ka..
ndi ka nmn nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ko..

ndi q kayang maging ung gurl na kayang maintindihan ka at maunawaan parati..dahil may mga bagay na sadyang ndi ko naiintindihan..

ndi ko kayang maging makulet at ngumiti parati gaya ng gusto mo kung ndi nmn un ung nararamdaman ko..

ndi ko kayang maging ung gurl na parating magpapaliwanag sayo ng mga bagay na dapat naiintindihan mo na..

ndi ko kayang maging yung gurl na mag-aadjust sa oras mo..na parating nandyan kung kelan ka lang may panahon para saken..

at higit sa lahat..

ndi ko kayang tanggapin na hahayaan mo lang ako halimbawang lumayo na ako at sumama sa iba..nasasaktan akong isipin na ndi ako kayang ipaglaban ng taong minahal ko ng buong buhay ko ngunit wla namang ibang ginawa kundi palayain ako..

ndi sukatan ng pagmamahal sa isang tao ang pagpaparaya..aanhin mo pa yung pagmamahal na yan kung wala ka ng paglalaanan..

"i love u".. "i promise"..lahat ng ito ay pawang mga salita..ano pang silbi nito kung ndi ko naman maramdamang mahal mo pa ako..

cguro nga nagkamali ka lng ng pagkakakilala saken..ndi ko kayang maging yung gf na gus2 mko maging..

mali nga cguro na pilitin kong baguhin ka at maging yung bf na gusto kong maging..

ok pb tau?... o pinipilit lang nateng maging "ok"..

mali ba na umasa at subukang paglapitin ang sadyang magkaiba nating mundo..

..dahil ndi na tau masaya at nasasaktan lang tayo...


................. ='(

I don't need a lot for christmas
There is just one thing i need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
All i want for christmas is you...

haay... ang lamig na kc, lapit na ng christmas, sarap tuloy magsenti, muni-muni lang, heheh.. pero unlike nung previous christmas, this christmas happy ako..=)

it's been 4 months narin, sa totoo lang, achievement na para saken yun. I was the type kc na madali ring magsawa..hindi ako sanay na pare-pareho na lang., yun at yun na lang.. i always seek for novelty, for something unique and exciting. Cguro it just happens that this time, mahal ko na nga talaga siya..unlike how i ever loved anyone before.. sa kanya kc, pakiramdam ko ang dami-dami ng nabago sa sarili ko. Nasanay ako before na nakukuha lagi ang gusto ko, when it comes to relationships kumbaga, "i am the captain of my ship, i am the master of my fate.." cguro kya narin hindi masydo nagwork yung mga previous relationships ko is because, i thot i have given my best shot, yun pla hindi. Ako rin yung may pagkukulang... ngayon kasi iba na..

Waiting...it is what i hate the most. I was always punctual kc, i rarely become late.. I remember before when i was to meet up with a guy sa mall, na-late lng siya ng wala pang 30 minutes, umalis na ako. And it ended up pa na siya yung super nagsosorry when i was the one who wasn't patient enough to wait. Pero this time, miski ako nagugulat rin sa sarili ko...how i manage to wait for 2 or even 3 hours for him.. pero pag naghihintay ako, parang napakabilis lang ng oras..maya-maya naman makikita ko narin sya.. and he said he managed to wait for me for 3 years...i just didn't ask him,"bakit, sa 3 years ba na yun ako lang talaga yung mahal mo?ako lang yung laman ng isip mo?" Dahil pag sinabi niyang oo, hindi na talaga ako maniniwala sa kanya..

Whenever i am with him, i know i am at peace, secured and contented. Cguro nung mga first months lang namin na i didn't totally trust him all at once...andun pa yung doubts ko sa feelings ko.. I admit, i didn't immediately fell for him. Gusto ko siya..pero during those times, i was still in love with my ex..i still miss him..i'm still longing for him to beg me to come back. Pero nung nangyari yun, I was more inlove na with my present bf.. however, may doubts din ako...sa bf ko..na baka hindi pa sya nakakaget-over talaga sa ex niya..alam ko kung gaano niya minahal yun...kahit hindi niya sabihin saken, naramdaman ko nun sa tuwing magkukwento siya saken dati nung hindi pa kmi, sa maraming beses na nababanggit niya saken yun..nakita ko kung gaano niya yun kamahal at kung gaano siya nasaktan...kaya nga dati, kapag dumarating yung point na, pinaiyak na naman ako ng ex ko, at siya yung nandiyan para makausap, at kung kelan malapit ko na siyang magustuhan...mababanggit niya uli yung ex niya...at nabubura lahat sa isipan ko lahat ng pag-asang pwede ring maging kami. At minsan pag naiisip ko yun, naiiyak na lang ako, thinking na baka i'm facing another heartache na naman and, one more pa talaga hindi ko na kakayanin.. I was never the strong one. The last time my heart was broken, my health almost gave me away.. Kaya nga cguro nung nagtapat siya saken, at inamin niyang mahal niya ko..hindi ako nagulat. Pero hindi rin ako naniwala agad. Cguro gusto niya ko, pero mahal? Masyadong mabigat yung salitang yun para gamitin ng basta-basta..Or cguro ang hirap na lang kc magtiwala.. I was born with the thinking na, i don't need men, or at least be dependent on one man to live happy.. Now, the tables have turned...i am starting to depend on him more than i thought i would.

Whenever i have a new suitor, i was fond of putting them off to a test, but all of them failed. Simpleng pagsagot lang sa tanong na,"bakit mo ko mahal? at bakit ikaw ang kailangang piliin ko?" hindi pa nila maibigay saken yung sagot na hinihingi ko. At yung isa pang test na madalas kong ginagawa, yung pinakahindi nila magawa...ang maghintay ng hindi nila alam kung ano bang standing nila saken.. madalas kc naiinip sila, meaning, hindi sila ganun kasincere. O kaya, sincere sila pero hindi naman willing maghintay. Kaya i was disappointed most of the time, hopeless na hindi ko na makikita yung right guy for me. But now, the guy that i currently love...he fits the position almost more than perfectly...(he he, the sentence was poorly constructed by the way). There's just no way that i could describe in concrete words how much he grew to become such a precious part of me.. When we kiss, i could hardly feel him, parang ang bilis bilis ng oras..and when i hug him...there's a feeling inside of me never wanting to ever let go, dahil baka pag bumitaw ako, mawala siya at hindi ko na siya makita...

Kaya ngayon, natatakot ako... takot kasi, habang tumatagal, lalo ko siyang minamahal and natatakot ako na baka may mangyari at matapos na lang bigla ang lahat. Bukod pa dun, hindi niya pako talaga kilala...marami pa siyang hindi alam..and i wonder if he would still want to spend the rest of his life with me after.. Pero... siya yung gusto kong makasamang maghintay ng sunset sa baywalk, magkahawak-kamay, sweet and still in love at the age of 70 or 80.... I always say to myself, hindi importante kung nakailang relationships ka, or how many times you've been in love...what's most important is that, there is one person, just one man, who is willing to stick it out with you until the end...yung may makakasama ka in the remaining half of your life. At sa panahong iyon, ayokong mag-isa.. Kung iisipin, almost a quarter of my life narin ang naglapse... 7 innocent years plus, 13 years in the four corners of the classroom.. and there, nothing new. After i graduate in college, hindi ko parin alam what would become of me then..

Going back, cguro i'm just the type of person who needs constant reassurance... kaya lang, when he asks me how to prove how much he loves me, actually hindi ko rin alam kung papaano..

Kahapon, nung pinapanood ko yung favorite kong Jdorama, "Long Vacation", kakaiyak grabe, heheh..patapos na kasi. Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Minami,
"Mas mabuti pa nung magkaibigan kami ni Sena.. andito si Sena nakatayo, dito naman si Minami nakatayo sa tabi ni Sena..ang saya-saya namin nun. Pero kapag hinarap niyo na yung nararamdaman niyo para sa isa't-isa..ang hirap pala. Kahit yung maliliit na bagay nagiging malaking problema. At hindi maiiwasang may isang masasaktan.."

tama, may point si Minami. Pero mas may point yung bestfriend niya nung sinabi nya kay Minami na,
"Kaya lumalaki ang maliliit na bagay, at nagsisimula na kayong magselos at mag-away, dahil mahal niyo nga ang isa't-isa. Gusto niyong gawin parati ang tama na kahit na maliliit na bagay lang napapansin niyo na at sinisigurong nasa ayos ang lahat. Dahil importante ang tingin mo sa kanya, at ganun din siya sayo. At ayaw niyong masaktan ang isa't-isa. Pero minsan hindi naiiwasan talaga.."

..at ang cute niya pa habang sinasabi yun, haha! Ang cute talaga ng mga hapon..kahit Jdorama, nagmumukang anime. =p

Anyway, ang point ko lang is..kung minsan nagiging ang babaw pala ng tao, paranoid at sobrang sensitive kapag nasa isang relationship.. dahil may isa ka pang taong kinoconsider parati..dahil ngayon hindi ka na lang nagdedesisyon para sa sarili mo, dahil may isang taong posibleng masaktan o maapektuhan sa kung anumang gagawin mo. Sabi ni Shinji kay Ryouko,
"Hindi ako naniniwalang kailangan mong i-give up ang isang bagay na nagpapaligaya sayo para sa taong mahal mo."
Pero sabi nga ni Sena,
"Kung mahal mo ang isang bagay, gagawin mo lahat para hindi siya mawala sayo..kahit mahirapan ka..kahit nasasaktan ka na. Hinding-hindi ka aalis sa tabi niya. Ipaglalaban mo parin siya."

..ang sweet ni Sena!! Hahaha!! La lang, grabe kung saan-saan na nauwi itong post na 'to. Heheh, cge nood muna ulit ako "Long Vacation". Final episode na ngayon. buh-bye!