Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

The Lord really has a wonderful way of amusing us…and today, I was deeply touched. I got home today at around 8:30PM, instead of around 7PM on regular days. The reason for it is because my 2PM patient couldn’t make it on their allotted time for therapy session for some reasons so they requested if they could have it at 7 or 8PM instead. I was hesitant to give them the 8PM schedule because a 3-year old boy should have been sleeping at that time, or may be sleepy to say the least. Fortunately, the parents of my 7PM patient cancelled their therapy session for today because they have other things to take care of, so I placed them at 7PM. After our session, the father of my kid offered me a ride home and a dinner. I rode with them on the way, they just dropped me off at the corner of our street, and I no longer agreed with the offer of dinner for my family is also waiting for me for dinner. Besides, it’s too much already. =) While on our way, the father of my patient told me how denial he was at first regarding their son’s condition; that he cried so hard when they found out that his child has autism. It was an expected baby and they prepared for it for almost 11 years. They’ve given the best of everything to have this kid delivered and brought up as a healthy normal child.. Well I guess you can never really tell… At the back seat, I can’t help but wonder…this man…the father of my patient, of whom I’ve handled for only 3 sessions now, has been pouring his heart out to me that I could almost see tears welling up beneath his eyes.


“You’ve been such a blessing to us and for my child. The fact that you gave us your time, the time when you should have been already home with your family...I can never be grateful enough that you’re sharing yourself with our child..”


His words have deeply touched me that I wanted to cry right at that moment, hehe..


“Nitong mga nakaraang linggo ko lang medyo natatanggap na ang lahat…Ngayon nga naiiwan na naming syang nakaupo mag-isa sa front seat, dati ang likot-likot niyan, karga-karga ng yaya sa likod..It was actually our first time to go out together without his yaya.”


I wanted to say…”it was nothing, really.” When I started to work as an OT, I’ve conditioned myself already that I am here to help other people…that’s why I never really take it as a big deal because it is my job. I wanted to find the right words then, to comfort him, to make him better understand his child…and that God has better plans for him, but I choke on my words.


What moved me more was when he said, “there’s a book on the seat, beside you…it’s for you.” I reached for the book. I was amazed when I saw it, and It was entitled: “Why this lady can laugh (A Portrait of a Virtuous Woman).” I could hardly believe that someone appreciates me that much…the simple things that I do.


When I said this day was quite among the strangest that I’ve had, I mean it. I woke up this morning getting a little tired of what have been becoming my usual routine every day, of every week, of every month…and tomorrow is already October by the way. This past few weeks, I’ve been doubting what I do…I get a little paranoid on how the parents of my kids perceive me…on how the quality of my treatment has been affecting my kids. I get easily frustrated if I don’t get the progress I want to see from my kids, or that I don’t see a little improvement from their previous level. Then again, I spoke to soon. I realized just now that I’ve been hurrying my life so much, now I can no longer enjoy it. All of a sudden, things like this happen, sweeps me off my feet that I can’t help but say, “..the Lord loves me so much because He makes me love other people…and they love me back.” =)

ndi q kayang maging ung gurl na parating maghihintay sayo sa twing male-late ka..
ndi ka nmn nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ko..

ndi q kayang maging ung gurl na kayang maintindihan ka at maunawaan parati..dahil may mga bagay na sadyang ndi ko naiintindihan..

ndi ko kayang maging makulet at ngumiti parati gaya ng gusto mo kung ndi nmn un ung nararamdaman ko..

ndi ko kayang maging ung gurl na parating magpapaliwanag sayo ng mga bagay na dapat naiintindihan mo na..

ndi ko kayang maging yung gurl na mag-aadjust sa oras mo..na parating nandyan kung kelan ka lang may panahon para saken..

at higit sa lahat..

ndi ko kayang tanggapin na hahayaan mo lang ako halimbawang lumayo na ako at sumama sa iba..nasasaktan akong isipin na ndi ako kayang ipaglaban ng taong minahal ko ng buong buhay ko ngunit wla namang ibang ginawa kundi palayain ako..

ndi sukatan ng pagmamahal sa isang tao ang pagpaparaya..aanhin mo pa yung pagmamahal na yan kung wala ka ng paglalaanan..

"i love u".. "i promise"..lahat ng ito ay pawang mga salita..ano pang silbi nito kung ndi ko naman maramdamang mahal mo pa ako..

cguro nga nagkamali ka lng ng pagkakakilala saken..ndi ko kayang maging yung gf na gus2 mko maging..

mali nga cguro na pilitin kong baguhin ka at maging yung bf na gusto kong maging..

ok pb tau?... o pinipilit lang nateng maging "ok"..

mali ba na umasa at subukang paglapitin ang sadyang magkaiba nating mundo..

..dahil ndi na tau masaya at nasasaktan lang tayo...


................. ='(

I don't need a lot for christmas
There is just one thing i need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
All i want for christmas is you...

haay... ang lamig na kc, lapit na ng christmas, sarap tuloy magsenti, muni-muni lang, heheh.. pero unlike nung previous christmas, this christmas happy ako..=)

it's been 4 months narin, sa totoo lang, achievement na para saken yun. I was the type kc na madali ring magsawa..hindi ako sanay na pare-pareho na lang., yun at yun na lang.. i always seek for novelty, for something unique and exciting. Cguro it just happens that this time, mahal ko na nga talaga siya..unlike how i ever loved anyone before.. sa kanya kc, pakiramdam ko ang dami-dami ng nabago sa sarili ko. Nasanay ako before na nakukuha lagi ang gusto ko, when it comes to relationships kumbaga, "i am the captain of my ship, i am the master of my fate.." cguro kya narin hindi masydo nagwork yung mga previous relationships ko is because, i thot i have given my best shot, yun pla hindi. Ako rin yung may pagkukulang... ngayon kasi iba na..

Waiting...it is what i hate the most. I was always punctual kc, i rarely become late.. I remember before when i was to meet up with a guy sa mall, na-late lng siya ng wala pang 30 minutes, umalis na ako. And it ended up pa na siya yung super nagsosorry when i was the one who wasn't patient enough to wait. Pero this time, miski ako nagugulat rin sa sarili ko...how i manage to wait for 2 or even 3 hours for him.. pero pag naghihintay ako, parang napakabilis lang ng oras..maya-maya naman makikita ko narin sya.. and he said he managed to wait for me for 3 years...i just didn't ask him,"bakit, sa 3 years ba na yun ako lang talaga yung mahal mo?ako lang yung laman ng isip mo?" Dahil pag sinabi niyang oo, hindi na talaga ako maniniwala sa kanya..

Whenever i am with him, i know i am at peace, secured and contented. Cguro nung mga first months lang namin na i didn't totally trust him all at once...andun pa yung doubts ko sa feelings ko.. I admit, i didn't immediately fell for him. Gusto ko siya..pero during those times, i was still in love with my ex..i still miss him..i'm still longing for him to beg me to come back. Pero nung nangyari yun, I was more inlove na with my present bf.. however, may doubts din ako...sa bf ko..na baka hindi pa sya nakakaget-over talaga sa ex niya..alam ko kung gaano niya minahal yun...kahit hindi niya sabihin saken, naramdaman ko nun sa tuwing magkukwento siya saken dati nung hindi pa kmi, sa maraming beses na nababanggit niya saken yun..nakita ko kung gaano niya yun kamahal at kung gaano siya nasaktan...kaya nga dati, kapag dumarating yung point na, pinaiyak na naman ako ng ex ko, at siya yung nandiyan para makausap, at kung kelan malapit ko na siyang magustuhan...mababanggit niya uli yung ex niya...at nabubura lahat sa isipan ko lahat ng pag-asang pwede ring maging kami. At minsan pag naiisip ko yun, naiiyak na lang ako, thinking na baka i'm facing another heartache na naman and, one more pa talaga hindi ko na kakayanin.. I was never the strong one. The last time my heart was broken, my health almost gave me away.. Kaya nga cguro nung nagtapat siya saken, at inamin niyang mahal niya ko..hindi ako nagulat. Pero hindi rin ako naniwala agad. Cguro gusto niya ko, pero mahal? Masyadong mabigat yung salitang yun para gamitin ng basta-basta..Or cguro ang hirap na lang kc magtiwala.. I was born with the thinking na, i don't need men, or at least be dependent on one man to live happy.. Now, the tables have turned...i am starting to depend on him more than i thought i would.

Whenever i have a new suitor, i was fond of putting them off to a test, but all of them failed. Simpleng pagsagot lang sa tanong na,"bakit mo ko mahal? at bakit ikaw ang kailangang piliin ko?" hindi pa nila maibigay saken yung sagot na hinihingi ko. At yung isa pang test na madalas kong ginagawa, yung pinakahindi nila magawa...ang maghintay ng hindi nila alam kung ano bang standing nila saken.. madalas kc naiinip sila, meaning, hindi sila ganun kasincere. O kaya, sincere sila pero hindi naman willing maghintay. Kaya i was disappointed most of the time, hopeless na hindi ko na makikita yung right guy for me. But now, the guy that i currently love...he fits the position almost more than perfectly...(he he, the sentence was poorly constructed by the way). There's just no way that i could describe in concrete words how much he grew to become such a precious part of me.. When we kiss, i could hardly feel him, parang ang bilis bilis ng oras..and when i hug him...there's a feeling inside of me never wanting to ever let go, dahil baka pag bumitaw ako, mawala siya at hindi ko na siya makita...

Kaya ngayon, natatakot ako... takot kasi, habang tumatagal, lalo ko siyang minamahal and natatakot ako na baka may mangyari at matapos na lang bigla ang lahat. Bukod pa dun, hindi niya pako talaga kilala...marami pa siyang hindi alam..and i wonder if he would still want to spend the rest of his life with me after.. Pero... siya yung gusto kong makasamang maghintay ng sunset sa baywalk, magkahawak-kamay, sweet and still in love at the age of 70 or 80.... I always say to myself, hindi importante kung nakailang relationships ka, or how many times you've been in love...what's most important is that, there is one person, just one man, who is willing to stick it out with you until the end...yung may makakasama ka in the remaining half of your life. At sa panahong iyon, ayokong mag-isa.. Kung iisipin, almost a quarter of my life narin ang naglapse... 7 innocent years plus, 13 years in the four corners of the classroom.. and there, nothing new. After i graduate in college, hindi ko parin alam what would become of me then..

Going back, cguro i'm just the type of person who needs constant reassurance... kaya lang, when he asks me how to prove how much he loves me, actually hindi ko rin alam kung papaano..

Kahapon, nung pinapanood ko yung favorite kong Jdorama, "Long Vacation", kakaiyak grabe, heheh..patapos na kasi. Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Minami,
"Mas mabuti pa nung magkaibigan kami ni Sena.. andito si Sena nakatayo, dito naman si Minami nakatayo sa tabi ni Sena..ang saya-saya namin nun. Pero kapag hinarap niyo na yung nararamdaman niyo para sa isa't-isa..ang hirap pala. Kahit yung maliliit na bagay nagiging malaking problema. At hindi maiiwasang may isang masasaktan.."

tama, may point si Minami. Pero mas may point yung bestfriend niya nung sinabi nya kay Minami na,
"Kaya lumalaki ang maliliit na bagay, at nagsisimula na kayong magselos at mag-away, dahil mahal niyo nga ang isa't-isa. Gusto niyong gawin parati ang tama na kahit na maliliit na bagay lang napapansin niyo na at sinisigurong nasa ayos ang lahat. Dahil importante ang tingin mo sa kanya, at ganun din siya sayo. At ayaw niyong masaktan ang isa't-isa. Pero minsan hindi naiiwasan talaga.."

..at ang cute niya pa habang sinasabi yun, haha! Ang cute talaga ng mga hapon..kahit Jdorama, nagmumukang anime. =p

Anyway, ang point ko lang is..kung minsan nagiging ang babaw pala ng tao, paranoid at sobrang sensitive kapag nasa isang relationship.. dahil may isa ka pang taong kinoconsider parati..dahil ngayon hindi ka na lang nagdedesisyon para sa sarili mo, dahil may isang taong posibleng masaktan o maapektuhan sa kung anumang gagawin mo. Sabi ni Shinji kay Ryouko,
"Hindi ako naniniwalang kailangan mong i-give up ang isang bagay na nagpapaligaya sayo para sa taong mahal mo."
Pero sabi nga ni Sena,
"Kung mahal mo ang isang bagay, gagawin mo lahat para hindi siya mawala sayo..kahit mahirapan ka..kahit nasasaktan ka na. Hinding-hindi ka aalis sa tabi niya. Ipaglalaban mo parin siya."

..ang sweet ni Sena!! Hahaha!! La lang, grabe kung saan-saan na nauwi itong post na 'to. Heheh, cge nood muna ulit ako "Long Vacation". Final episode na ngayon. buh-bye!

Ginawa niya na naman. Ang nakikita ko ngayon ay madilim pa sa nakasanayan. Ang makakita, makapagtype sa harap ng pc, huminga….lahat parang ang hirap hirap gawin. Kanina tinitingnan na naman ako ng maraming tao ngunit hindi katulad ng karaniwan ko ng nararanasan…dahil ba nakashades ako ng black gayong makulimlim naman? Naisip ko, bagay pala sa akin ang magshades. Dahil hindi nila halos napansin ang mugto kong mga mata. Nakakatawa. Hanggang ngayon nga nangangatog pako. Ngayon ko lang naranasan sa buong buhay ko na wala ako halos maramdaman. Na miski ang sarili kong katawan hindi ko maramdaman, at para akong nakalutang sa daan habang naglalakad. Iniisip ko kung epekto lang ba ito ng shades kaya bigla akong nagkaron ng problema sa depth perception ko at ang hirap estimahin ng distansya ng bawat yapak ko. Parang katulad niya…ang hirap parin timplahin. Sa tagal na panahon na kasama ko siya… Mabait kung mabait. Ngunit kapag galit na…hindi ko na siya halos makilala. At katulad ng dati, eto na naman… naisip ko, hindi ko parin kaya. Ang hirap parin magsalita. Sa matagal na panahon…ang hirap maintindihan ka ng iba. Hindi makalabas yung totoong ikaw..hindi mo masabi o maipahayag yung gusto mo.. at kahit na ganon, siya parin naman ang inisip ko ah. Nung dali-dali akong umakyat ng kwarto at nagkulong ng sarili…ano kaya kung hindi ko binuksan yon. Ano kaya kung hindi ko na binuksan… Sa wakas, malalaman kaya nila na eto na yung panahon para ako naman yung pakinggan? Napakagandang tingnan ng maliliit na piraso ng salamin na basag… Kumikislap.. parang maliliit na bituin na gusto kong hagkan… Hindi ko alam kung ano yung nabasag. Basta ang alam ko, napakasarap pakinggan ang tunog ‘non. Pero… parati na lang ako yung mali. Nakakapagod na. Tapos ngayon, heto siya, yayakapin ako ng mahigpit at hihingi ng tawad. Ngayon, ilang oras na ang nakalipas…parang walang nangyari para sa kanila…pero para sa akin, hanggang ngayon… ang hirap parin huminga. Ang hirap parin magsalita. Hindi ako makalingon para tumingin sa iba pang bagay na nasa paligid. Hindi ako makapag-isip. At hindi ko parin maramdaman ang aking sarili… Hindi ba niya nakikita na…sa bawat pangyayari…mabababaw na mga pangyayaring katulad nito..ay unti-unti akong napapalayo sa kanya…hindi niya nalalaman kung papaano ako nababago ng mga ganitong pangyayari na kahit anong materyal na bagay ang ibigay niya bilang kapalit… hinding-hindi nito matutumbasan ang mga sugat na nagawa niya sa akin. Mga imortal na sugat na sa paglipas ng panahon ay hindi pa lubusang humihilom at napapatungan pa ng mga panibagong sugat sa aking pagkatao. Pero ang lahat ng ito’y hindi ko maramdaman. Malapit ko na tuloy pagdudahan kung…. Totoo ba ako? Dahil sa kabila ng lahat, eto parin ako…patuloy na naghahanap ng kakampi…ng taong magpapakita sa akin ng totoong halaga ko, at magpaparamdam sa akin na kahit papaano…kahit minsan…tama rin ako.



*for the record, nabawasan na naman ang lifeline ko. Heheheh., okay nailabas ko na ang sama ng loob ko. OK nako. ;)

haay...ang sarap ng hangin...ang lamig.. kapag mga ganitong panahon ginaganahan ako lalong magsulat...

I miss writing now these days... when I was cleaning my room earlier this day, I stumbled with my previous literary works – stories, poems, quotes, musings to name a few… I realized I have not been writing three years now! That’s when I begin to realize that as time goes by, some things really has to go… I don’t want to let go of writing, or doing anything that I had previously been doing, but now…there’s hardly enough time. It seems like, time is really running out for me. If there could only be more time for me to do the things I want to do without having to get all cranked up, messed up.. I hate cramming my life. I have always hated the idea that I would have to do something, but the quality gets compromised just because I have a deadline to follow. I hate how my life’s slowly becoming clock-driven.. Now, just to be able to do one thing, something else has to be compromised, overlooked, or worse, neglected. Slowly, I’m turning out to be delinquent. Not that I wanted to be one. Sometimes, it all just fall into place.

I miss my old buddies…

Yesterday morning, Jade, one of my closest high school pals texted me with a very unusual news. She was so bothered with this dream that’s why the instant she woke up, she sent me a message asking how I’ve been doing lately. Actually, I didn’t quite know how to react then. Not that the news is nothing new to me, or is it true, but it’s really no big deal to me. She said that she dreamed that I was terribly sick, that I have a leukemia, and I was dying… Weird but I wasn’t at all surprised. I just told her then not to worry because I am perfectly fine and healthy, even if I’m not getting enough sleep lately. I’m definitely in good shape and still functioning well.=) I was deeply touched then, how worried she really was, even if it was just a dream. She used to be my closest pal back in high school…she was the one I met first and got along with first during my first year, when I had not been talking with anyone yet because I hardly know anybody then. We’re both shy and as they call it “maria claras” back then. I wonder how we both have changed now.. he he. Darn, I miss her.. =p
Last night, still, I was talking with Joan about my present dilemma and…he he..it’s funny how she suddenly changes her views, and how her previous advices changes as compared to her opinions regarding that matter now.. I couldn’t post it yet here in my blog…perhaps, someday, I could be more at ease to talk about it once I finally resolved it. It’s something only I and Joan know as of the moment.. And later this afternoon, she’s dropping by to visit, well.. to talk about it…and to talk about so many things! We haven’t seen nor heard of each other for long and, darn, how I miss her so bad as well! =)

At home with Ward 5…

I don’t know how my fellow blockmates are going to react regarding the heading of this article, he he. Perhaps they’re going to react sarcastically or probably, astonished. Partly because, Ward5 is our most toxic rotation in internship and a lot of people have been failing in this affiliation center. It’s just that, I’ve been enjoying doing patient care in a hospital setting, and I especially enjoy doing bedside treatments at the ward. I don’t care how many demerits I get, I’m more concerned with the quality of patient care I provide with my patients. Last Monday I arrived almost 1 hour late just because of the deadliest traffic I encountered in zapote throughout my entire college life! I was literally stuck in one place for 2 hours! From what I’ve heard, the reason for it was because an airconditioned bus (I would not mention the name) fell out of the ply-over and literally turned upside down. A lot of people died due to that incident. The bus blocked the way, it took hours before it got finally removed and the traffic restored to its normal flow. It was even heart-felt when I got home that day with my dad so worried that I might have been involved in the tragedy. I left the house that day at 5:30am and it was a good thing even that I got late then, because the big crash happened at five in the morning. Going back…it’s just sad that I arrived at ward 5 late. It was considered absent even. I was thankful anyhow that my 9am patient didn’t arrive. Anyway, I had already endorsed him to one of my colleagues in case he arrives. I was just unable to inform the center that I’m going to be late because I was never really aware that I’m going to be late until I was stuck in the heavy traffic and heard of the accident from my boyfriend. So there… My co-interns even told me, “kung ako ikaw hindi na lang sana ako pumasok, absent narin naman ako” I just said jokingly, “bakit ba, eh gusto ko pumasok eh” hehehe. The truth is, I really wanted to still attend to my patients, especially my rehab-in patients. They were the ones who truly got attached to me. Imagining being confined in a hospital for so long, with not much to do, ailing from pain… it’s dull, boring..it’s sad. And I would not take away that one treatment session that I could provide them with at least a functional thing to do. I could never forget how grateful my one bedside patient that he finally gets to receive OT treatment. “Yes! May OT narin ako!”, he said. It’s really touching to see him how enthusiastic he is with the little things I do…that is why I’m more than willing to help him in any way I can. My friends were even kidding me by saying, “Naku, baka magselos na si albert niyan!” Hahaha! These are just one of the cases where I get to appreciate more my role as an OT…that I get to be thankful that I am an OT.
Waaahh… anyway, not that I am not at all worried about my grade in Ward5.. I am! It’s just that…often times, my obsessive-compulsiveness and perfectionist-idealist nature get in the way that I want everything in place and done accordingly ALL THE TIME! Sometimes, it’s just not possible. Now, I’m haggard, stressed and…partly bargaining with my hours of sleep.. It’s hard ‘coz half of my life I spend with my travel time to and from manila. Hahaha!

Love, love, love…it always gets too complicated…

Well, I could say that I am happy with my status in love as of the moment. I am contented and happy. Though sometimes, when I do a lot of things, it is the aspect of my life that gets compromised first. Nonetheless, I’m trying to make both ends meet. I’ve been constantly struggling to manage my time well to make sure that my responsibilities as a daughter, as a student, as a friend, and as a girlfriend gets all fulfilled.
One time, I greeted my ex in advance for his upcoming birthday and I can’t believe how thankful he is that I first greeted him. Haha, it’s funny.. He was also the very first to greet me during my last birthday. He even complimented me with how beautiful I am in my photos in Friendster. Then he asked me, if ever I cried because of him.. I just answered, “yes, perhaps because I never expected that everything would turn out that way..” Then again, he’s constantly saying sorry for everything he has done and was not able to do for me before.. He also said that he regrets what happened to us..that it didn’t work out well. I even joked by saying, “why would you be? You even told me you never loved me.” And he replied with, “Oh, did I say that? Maybe I was just so messed up that time.. I miss how everything were before…If only it could happen again.. but, that’s life. Hehe..” I don’t know how I’m going to react then. I’d lie if I say I don’t miss him and how everything were before. But just as he said, so much has changed now. I can no longer sing to him whenever he’d ask me to sing to him over the phone. I can no longer talk with him over the phone for hours just like before. I can no longer see him or be with him… I just wish that he’s at least happy with his life now, especially when the day of his birthday comes. We are bestfriends anyway. We promised to never cease to care for each other. After all, he’s my first love. =) But I love my boyfriend now more than anything else, and I would never hurt him in any way. He deserves the best. =)

Well, I just turned 20... As I look back to those 20 long years, I could hardly imagine how time seems to fly so fast. It was only yesterday when I was crying over not being allowed to play outside or not being bought of the one toy that I was constantly begging of from my parents. Now, different dilemmas.. same world and yet, if there could be a better word than - "more harsh" - life challenges..

I wonder why it always occur that it's during my birthdays that I experience more stressful situations.. I guess, that's one of the reasons why I've learned not to look forward to or to even appreciate birthdays anymore..or waste time celebrating one day that is not as extraordinary as the other days of the year.

Just this recently, I was literally crashed to death by our IDC presentation.. Even if they tell me it's not entirely my fault, I FEEL LIKE IT IS ENTIRELY MY FAULT.

"..for the record, you did not submit any paper.."

"..you're paper was good, you're explanations were sound. But it's PRESENTATION today.."

Those words kept on bugging me these past few days and that I can't have the guts to get through as if nothing happened. All of my groupmates cried on that day except me, when I have all the reasons to. It's just that, I never really show emotions to anybody. I've never been comfortable crying in front of other people. Besides, we still have treatment sessions for the rest of the day and I don't want to  look wasted in front of my kids. Though, deep inside I feel so torn..guilty.. I felt like I've been so wreckless, lax, stupid.. I hated myself. I hate myself.. I can't even look at my other groupmates as normal as I used to before..without thinking that I was the one who blew our every chances of being the BEST IDC GROUP. Worse, I don't want to be labeled as IRRESPONSIBLE and be known to CAMP as the girl who made such a mess in her entire rotation at CTS-Pedia. I am not like that. I just wonder how I seemed to slowly turn out as such..

Until now, it still bothers me.. Every minute of it.. I wanted to forget everything that happened but, everything's so vivid still in my mind and it suffocates me. I can't function well. I can't finish all my papers.. All I do is sleep...eat...sleep... sleep... By tomorrow, i'll be starting at my next rotation which is at PGH-Ward 5 and i'm not myself yet lately!

On that night after the IDC presentation, I was talking with Crizel, and I wanted to cry then...but I can see that she's not the person who'd know how to comfort a crying bud.. And during those times, I was wondering..if only I could be with my boyfriend..I wanted to hug him so tight and cry it all out because I know he's the only one who can genuinely understand me...and that's when I missed him more..

Thinking about him, still, I was starting to have this feeling that I have not been the best girlfriend for him.. I can't find enough time to be with him, or even text him to tell him how I was so he'd stop worrying about me all the time. I can't quite show him how special he really means to me.. I am not the 'showy' type of person. I am not really good at being sweet and romantic and all..but I'm trying to. Sometimes, I get afraid when I think that one day he might get tired of me simply because I can't return all the favors and special treatment and love he's been giving me. I love him so much...but those words never really seem enough. I wish I could be the perfect girl for him..his idea of a future partner in life as he tries to picture me.

Okay, so now I'm sort of 'back to myself' again. Back to reality. During these past few days I've been in one of the most ravishing turmoils of my life. How I've hated this year...my bf and I broke up, my father had been sick for a while and I...am slowly losing my grip of my academic endeavors..

Last March 29, if my memory serves me right, my father suffered from acute MI. We actually didn't have any idea that he was already suffering from heart attack that  time. Days prior to this, he had been complaining of angina pectoris almost every single minute, and when one day it won't come off..we brought him to the hospital.

I was never really a daddy's girl, but I was hopeless that time and the thought that any minute I may no longer be able to see him again just freaks me out. He may not be the best father I've known but he remains still, my father, and I love him nevertheless. It would just tear me up to realize that I would have lost all the chances of making up to him. Fortunately, the day before his birthday, his heart rate finally stabilized and there were very minimal to no chest pains that he was then discharged. The ECG revealed that he now has 3 blockages in the arteries of his heart. So now, we're very cautious..for any burst of emotion or undue fatigue might finally give him away. Now, he has been taking 6 different medications.. I was teary-eyed when the doctor told us that, had we not brought him to the hospital that night...we could have lost him. My father was constantly saying then, "I wouldn't make it to my birthday.." Surprisingly, and fortunate enough, he did! And I couldn't be thankful enough that we still have him.
So on April 1st, the day of his 59th birthday, we prepared a small gathering and it almost seemed like the reunion of the Torres clan. All of his brothers and sisters were present, they came to check on how's my dad been doing..except for my other two aunt and uncle in the states who, of course, wouldn't be able to come. It was so much fun. My dad said, that day was a sort of his "thanksgiving" for everyone who helped us during his time of need, and of course to the Lord, for giving him another chance to live and to celebrate another day of his life still. Certainly, it was not any joke of April's fools.=)


Sad enough, it didn't turn out well with regards to my studies.. I was to take the removals due next week for one of my subjects. Still, I was thankful enough that IT IS a second chance still. I mean, taking the removals is a lot better than acquiring a grade of five and failing straight right? So this following week, I guess I'd spend my time studying... yes, studying and studying...LOTS of studying... I really can't believe this is happening.. I thought I'm gonna finish through the University of the Philippines without ever taking a removal exam, but I guess, I 'swallowed my own words'. Reality check: I am taking the removals, and there's no way anything is going to happen to change it. I admit, it is my fault anyhow. Because of all the life crises I had gone through within the pasr months, I wasn't able to focus hard on my studies. I've been delinquent...in despair...pathetic. But I am willing to push harder this time. I wouldn't blow the chance, the only chance I'm left with to correct all my mistakes and to even out all my life's creases.

..and about my crappy lovelife...which all the while sucks..
Indeed, revenge is sweet. I admit, I was really pissed off when I found out that he has a new one already and...I hate to be mean but...she's, I mean..she's..she's.. Darn! I would have expected, knowing my ex, that he'd stumble with a super pretty model-type gal, and look what I bump into ravaging his friendster profile, a picture of a girl..Yeah, just a girl. Nothing so unique about her. She's not pretty at all, and she even looks a lot older than her age..than our age. Oh well, I guess he really loves that woman. And he really really likes such kind of biatches.. Heck, I don't want to speak any more bad words about how stupid or ugly that girl looks. But the thing of it is, hey I know I'm not that pretty, but...you know what pisses a lot of girls most? It's when the guy that they love leave them, throw them up like a junk in exchange of a not-so-worthy girl at all! It's just humiliating, so frustrating and oh..stupefying!
Yes, I've plotted for revenge. I know a lot of my friends who know me very well as miss goody-two-shoes would have reacted violently with this remark but, after all he had done to me? Tanga lang ang tanga. haha! That was quite redundant, but what I am really trying to say is that...I've been hurt so much that I need to do something to gratify myself and to at least gain back the pride and sense of confidence I once lost. And I know he and his girl has been checking my friendster profile a lot lately...so now I was pretending that his guy friend and I are on. It is, I think, the most excruciating thing I could do to him. I recall, that guy used to be one of my consistent suitors for almost three years and no matter how many times I would dump him, he keeps on coming back nagging. When my ex and I first got together, my ex told this guy to stay away from me. I don't know but, all this time, this two are in a sort of constant competition of some sort or are very insecure toward each other. My ex were constantly asking me back then if his friend is still texting me, if he's courting me or if I even like his friend. And my ex's friend, on the other hand, would keep on asking about my ex, if we still have a communication up to now et cetera et cetera. Now, my ex's friend is courting me, and because I'm really pissed off by how childish these crappy things are turning out...I said to my ex's friend, okay so we're on. I know this guy really loves me but the truth is, I don't love him the same way and I'm not really taking it seriously in any sense. Darn, I'll never even get to like him. I hate pathetic guys. I hate drama kings. I hate Mr. self-absorbed and Mr. self-conscious. Most of all, I'm just doing this to get even with my ex. I want him to pay for every bit of pain he has caused me. I want him to cry. I want to see him begging on his knees regretting he even thought of messing up with me. Haha! Now that's exaggerated already. But I quit. I admit, I wasn't really that mean at all. I can't. I broke up with him, my ex's friend, four days after.
I'm just afraid of one thing....that for all this, the guy that I currently really like and is starting to love might hate me once he find out about this. He might think I'm such a psychopathic moron who's not worth it. I hope not so... I'm just waiting for him to help me set things right though..... And yes, I already love him. I just wish he knows...and I just wish that I am also the girl he is talking about that he loves...but... I'm not so sure now..............

I am not at all bitter about my ex, well perhaps, slight. I mean, we had our days and I had been at least happy when we were still together. What just stabs me to death is knowing that he never cares a bit...that he never really loved me after all. His friend told me that while we're still on, he has another girl. So that explains him erasing all my friendster testi and comments. That explains him not having to remember to celebrate our monthsaries. That explains him not having to care a bit when I broke up with him. And yet, that girl... his new girl... he had her photo and everything about her all over his friendster profile. And he was never proud when I was his gf.. But I, I knew it all along...that's what women call 'gut feeling.' I wanted to hate him but it hurts so bad. All of this, I just ignored. What I'm just sad the most is that...he disappeared in my life during the times when I needed him, badly needing him the most... he used to be my strength.

Earlier this morning, I went to school to follow-up on my removal exam. Then there was this guy during the ride on the bus bound school - he's older than me but he seemed harmless anyway, who sat beside me. I was all the more surprised when he told me, "if you don't mind me asking...why are you sad?" I was shocked because, I am used to having the guy seated beside me initiating a conversation, asking for my name then my number, bottomline: can I court you? But this guy, he was just...weird. It was rather ironic. I just smiled in reply before he said, "I've been looking at you for a while and it seemed like something's bothering you. Studies? ..your boyfriend? stop thinking about him, after all, he hurt you.."
Well, he's right. I can't believe he's right. This guy, whom I never really knew at all and who knows nothing about what's going on in my life now.... So we talked a bit, he was kind anyway, but I never poured my heart over or anything. I never really enjoyed talking with strangers in the bus. When I came to school to meet my friend..and after finishing our to-do task for the day, she treated me with an overwhelming cup of ice cream, because it's her birthday next week. Yeah, ice cream has always been my best stress-relief, and I really loved Icebergs' serving of luscious cookies 'n cream. Then when I got home, my high school bestfriend came over and, we didn't really talk about you-know matters but it was just nice having her beside me...just there.
And because of all of this, I realized one thing. The Lord has been constantly trying to steer me away from the cliff of uncertainties and despair, he was trying so hard to make me happy through other people but I kept on insisting, "i'm sad, i'm sad, i'm sad!" That's why I never really became happy, because I've been telling myself for so long that I'm sad and that's what I want to believe in. Still, it is never too late to change things and gear up to become a better person right? By then I would be more deserving for a better life.

Pre-valentine breakup…

    It seems a little too soon, when it wasn’t even three months since…but for me, it was rather a little too late. It was something I had long been thinking about and that I wished I had long done so before. The day before valentine’s day, I finally broke up with him. How stupid of me to have grown so irrational and neglected all our differences that, slowly, is building walls between us. Thank God it really is over now. I really have no regrets in doing so but what is just painful is that he never even seemed to care at all. When I said I was breaking up with him, he just complied, went with the flow... it was almost like a casual talk among business partners closing a deal. And was he even thinking when he asked to be friends with me after? How inconsiderate of him to do so. “…how sad, valentines pa naman tomorrow” he said. He even told me he’d respect whatever decision I’ll make. So what if it’s valentine’s day the next day?would it change a thing?would it be less painful then? We won’t even be together on that day, so what’s the point? He hardly has the time for me. Yet, he doesn’t even seem to do anything about it. Why am I breaking up with him? Because never, in the entire time that we are in a relationship, has he made me feel special. He rarely has time for me. We don’t even see each other often. He forgets whenever we set to meet. He doesn’t greet me on holidays, especially on our monthsaries. Some minor stuff would include having him delete all the “cheesy” testimonials and comments I make for him in Friendster. Whenever we talk seriously, he seems to avoid, rather, he’d throw off-tangent replies. Slowly, I grew tired of it all…I’ve had enough. I don’t have to stick with someone who doesn’t appreciates me much for a long time – with someone who’s the only measure of a relationship are the words “I love you”, “I miss you” and “baby.” Indeed, relationships are not only about emotions, it’s also about commitment. And I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know a thing about exerting efforts and taking responsibility for a relationship to work out. I mean, “hindi naman parating ako na lang ang iintindi sa kanya...hanggang kelan?” Like they say, it takes two to tango.

Ophra says: “Leaving a love you’ve suddenly outgrown can be heartbreaking but it also shows you’re strong enough to walk away from a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Moving out of your comfort zone can be downright scary, but it also proves just how brave you are to take on the unknown. Stronger, braver, wiser… You always do a little growing up everytime you do a little letting go…”

My quite happy Valentine…

    I was really, really grateful of all of my blockmates and friends. On valentine’s day I went to school with a pair of baggy eyes because of crying the whole night, and I was even wondering the whole day if people ever notice it. Crizel asked me, “puyat ka ba?” It was somewhat a relief that they only thought of it as that. I just answered: “yeah, niretype ko kasi yung old handouts sa MRL kagabi..” So there, I pulled it through, but not for long. The whole day, all of the people, our medical lecturer even in MRL, kept on babbling about love, valentine’s, blah blah...I can’t take it! Right after class, I dragged carisse right to the bathroom where I poured my heart all over. I cried so hard. I can’t help it. I can no longer contain the pain within myself that I let it loose. I could only be thankful of carisse, and carina who overheard us, for giving me a big warm hug. I was really depressed the whole day; I can’t even smile without that ‘lump in my throat’. Surprisingly, my blockmates had planned for a small valentine program in our classroom. All the boys in the class gave each and every girl in the classroom, as well as the faculty, roses and balloons. It was really, really sweet of them! I know we planned for a Red Ribbon cake for our professors as a treat for valentine’s day (because they have all been sweet to us as well, I would never forget when they gave us a card and bags of Kettle Corns for our performance in CAMP talent show.=p), but we really have no idea about the roses – I mean, us girls. In addition to this, sir archie kind of forgot we had a class in the morning so we had a lot of vacant hours of which we spent singing, rocking the OT lec.=p We almost turned our classroom into a ‘videoke room’, everyone really had fun, and for a moment I forgot all that has been troubling me. I was also touched when carisse gave me donuts to comfort me, and the ‘heart’ card chelley personally made for each one of us. I’m also thankful of adrian for he’s been the one I talked with over the phone the night when I was crying non-stop, as well as christine and crizel, who had been there to listen and to comfort when I was constantly crying. Later that afternoon, after our classes, we had our “group date”, dinner with my blockmates and classmates at Chef ‘d Angelo, and we really had a great night. It was a sort of “singles night out”, and I legally belonged. 

Post-valentine catching up…

    I did another dumb thing – I tried to get things back with him. Because I thought it was my fault that I did not try to understand him, and that I broke up with him in such an imperfect time, and he was even sick that day. He said he still loves me and I still love him too…but I guess things would just never be the same again. He no longer wants me back. Okay, so we’re friends. How ironic. The truth is, I don’t really want him to leave. I just want him to change. Or maybe I was just expecting too much. I was just being too idealist. It was too much to ask of him…then again, am I really? Or did I just have the wrong person all along. If he truly loves me, he’d do something about it. It wouldn’t be so easy for him to let me go. I guess it was just what he wanted all along…he was just waiting for it to come from me, so the entire blame wouldn’t be on him. How stupid.

*This was the only time that I feel comfortable enough to let go of my baggage, and the only chance I have that I could post it in here. =)

Raindrops. Waterfall. Snow.

Welkin. Robins. Rainbow.

Tulips and daisies. Bees and butterflies.

You remind me of everything so sweet and so nice.

Storms. Thunders. Darkness.

You are the brave knight who shields and protects.

Soft. Cold. Momentary aloneness.

You are my comfort and strength to become fearless.

Embraces as though it would break my bones

and yet, everything I needed and more

Kisses I'd miss every bit of tomorrows

Baby, will you always be there in my time of sorrows?

Each time I see you I miss you more and more

I love you so much...

You're all I waited for.