Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

"Wait for as long as you can, but don't wait forever. The real winners are the ones who know how to stop when they have to, and not those who continue to live in the shadows of the people who stopped loving them...:" 

"When The Last Teardrop Falls"

It's so hard to lose the one you love
To finally have to say goodbye
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holdin' on
And all that you can do is cry
Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on
When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone

[Chorus:]
When the last tear drop falls
I'll still be holdin' on to all of our memories
And all of what used to be

When the last tear drop falls
I will stand tall
And know that you're here with me in my heart
When the last tear drop falls

So now I'm alone and life keeps movin' on
But my destination still unknown, oh yeah
Will there be a time when I'll fall in love again?
When I was meant to walk these streets alone
If there was just one wish I could be granted here tonight
It would be to have you right back by my side

[Chorus]

Now it's time for me to find my happiness again
And the emptiness from missin' you
Will never ever end, baby

paramdam. yup. parang title ng post na ito.. para kang ghost na nagpaparamdam saken sa araw-araw. ang pinagkaiba nga lang, hindi ka pa patay. buhay na buhay ka at nasa paligid lang. pero pag naiisip kita, parang ang lapit mo..parang magkatabi lang tayo.

4... pang-apat na snowbear na ngayong araw.. araw-araw bago ko pumasok ay bumibili ako ng snowbear para sa koleksyon ko na sinimulan ko nung biyernes..nung nanghingi ako ng sign kay god at nag-iwan sya ng snowbear sa harapan ko..tsktsk...

pagpasok ko sa clinic kanina bumungad saken yung maliit na stufftoy ng spongebob na nakabitin sa itaas ng pintuan.. aba? chime? kelan pa naging wind chime si spongebob? at ang mas matindi dun..nagmamadali ka na't lahat dahil late ka na..at naghihintay na ang pasyente mo sayo..pero nung makita mo yun tila tumigil yung mundo mo.. naaalala mo pa ba... 1st monthsary... parang ganun ang unang binigay niya sayo.. favorite mo kasi si spongebob. at mahilig ka sa uber liit o uber laki na stuff toys.. (putsa, uber... pausong word niyo nga pala yun).. at nung nakita mo yun naalala mo lahat.. ang unang baby niyo na pinangalanan niyong "spongey"...shet ang corny!!! at kada monthsary nga ay nadadagdagan ang koleksyon niyo ng iba-ibang mini stuff toys..

okay kalimutan na yun.. tuloy lang ang araw... malapit na matapos ang duty ng biglang yung huling pasyente mo...umaalingasaw sa afficionado.. naalala mo na naman sya.. pambihira! batang-bata pinapabanguhan ng matapang tsktsk.. ayun nga...nakakapanghina bigla...kasi pag pinikit mo yung mga mata mo baka isipin mong nandyan sya... op, teka, anne kelangan magfocus muna sa session.. pagkatapos na pagkatapos nga ng work mo ay biglang sugod ka sa mall at hinanap ang pabangong yun.

"..people laugh coz i smell like a man. but i dont care. i was wearing your scent so i could feel like you're just around ;p hehe..."

haay...signs...  kanina nakatunganga na talaga ko sa langit habang nakadungaw sa bus ko pauwi..nag-aabang ng falling star.. nagbabakasakaling maka-wish... hahah asa!

bakit ganun noh...kung kelan sinabi mo na sa sarili mong handa ka ng kalimutan sya...biglang lahat ng bagay na lang ng may koneksyon sa kanya sasampal sa mukha mo..magpapaalala ng lahat... ng nakaraan... o siguro dahil lang ngayon mas napapansin mo ito dahil nga may kahulugan na sila sayo... dati naman wala lang.. e ano ngayon kung nakasabit si spongebob sa pinto? e ano naman kung kaamoy niya yung pasyente mo? wag mo kasing isiping may kahulugan ang lahat ng iyon...ang buhay ay hindi isang malaking teleserye.. hindi yan episode sa MMK na ang title ay "snowbear"....

haay... ewan. bahala na nga!

la lng.. i miss him... i miss my ex... kaya lang hindi ko na talaga alam gagawin ko..o kung ano pang dapat gawin.. gusto kong iconvince yung sarili ko na hindi sya yung guy para saken at na eventually makakalimutan ko rin sya...kaso ang hirap.. ang hirap talaga... bawat araw na lang pag gising pa lang maiisip ko sya.. at bago matulog maaalala ko lahat ng masasayang memories nung magkasama pa kami..at makakatulog na naman akong maga ang mata.... pero haay....anu nga bang dapat gawin.... naiipit ako sa sitwasyon kung saan gusto ko ng maggive up..o kelangan magpursigi pako lalo dahil baka dumating yung time na bumalik ulit sya at maging ok ulet kami.... lord give me a sign.... ano ba talagang gusto mong gawin ko, kalimutan na sya o magpatuloy pa..?

gumising ako kaninang handa nang kalimutan sya....papasok ako ng masaya at magaan ang pakiramdam...kaya lang tinugtog bigla sa bus yung theme song namen.. tapos umulan pa...binuksan ko yung payong kong purple na masisira na halos pero hindi ko magawang paltan dahil bigay niya yun.... o shet pagkakataon nga naman!... tapos... yung patient ko sa clinic na adolescent, na may crush saken, putek buong araw akong kinukulit kung sino ang boyfriend ko..lagi ko na nga lang sinasabi, "it's rude to talk to your teacher that way.."

nung undas naman.. yung mga walang magawa kong mga kamag-anak ang bungad agad saken pagdating ko nung reunion, "o kamusta na kayo ng boyfriend mo?".. "c albert kilala ko yun e nakikita ko un.." .."tga camella yun diba?" .."wala na kayo??"..

pota...buong araw un ang usapan....

minsan pauwi ako galing work ko sa mandaluyong..nakasakay ako ng fx... ang lungkot talaga...ewan ko ba..palagi ko parin naiisip at twing maiisip ko nasasaktan ako... parang paulit-ulit na rumirindi sa utak ko lahat ng masasakit na salita na binitawan niya..at ang pinakamasakit nga dun ay nung sinabi niyang hindi niya nako mahal.... maya-maya bumaba na yung pasaherong nasa tapat ko.. hindi ko napansin agad, nung tinitigan ko tsaka ko lang nakita...nakaiwan pala sya ng isang candy.... snowbear.... haay, lord ang kulit mo talaga hehe...matagal ko ring hindi nakita yung candy na yun ah... naalala ko tuloy nun nung hindi pa kami...sya yung matalik kong kaibigang lalake..at lagi ko sya binibigyan ng wrapper ng snowbear dahil sabi nia kinukulekta niya yun.. minsan nakakatawa kasi bibili pa talaga kami ng snowbear na candy para lang sa wrapper...lucky charm niya daw kasi yun...

kaninang umaga nagising ako iyak ng iyak dahil sa bad dream... napanaginipan ko kasi na nagupdate na sya ng profile sa friendster at inalis niya na lahat ng pictures namen dun.. kaya nga pagbangon ko kating-kati ako maginternet..buti na lang dream lang..kung nagkataong totoo yun...shet sobrang sakit nun pag nagkataon...kasi pag yun nawala...ibig sabihin wala na talaga...wala ng pag-asa... 

akala ko nun im falling out of love na dahil lagi syang walang time para saken at hindi sya makapgexert ng effort para iparamdam saken kung gaano ako kaimportante sa kanya..akala ko nun hindi ko na sya mahal kaya nakipagdate aq sa iba.. akala ko nun hindi cia yung guy na para saken at merong iba na mas deserving para saken... pero akala ko lang yun. mahal ko parin sya. sobrang mahal na mahal.. malapit ko na ngang isumpa ang word na mahal....haayy...akala ko dati hindi ko na sya mahal..akala ko dati ako yung madaling makakapagmove on...hindi pala. nagkamali ako. mas madali niya ko nalimutan. mas madaling nawala yung love nia para saken.. alam ko nagkamali ako..nasaktan ko sya..at sobrang pinagsisisihan ko na yun.. pero may mali din naman sya ah. hindi sya perpekto. at hindi rin ako perpekto. kung si god nga marunong magpatawad bakit sya hindi... bakit hindi niya ko mabigyan ng pangalawang pagkakataon.... pakiramdam ko tuloy nakapatay ako ng tao..o nakadroga ako..o nagmassacre ako ng isang buong syudad.

sabi niya saken dati.. "nag-aalala parin naman ako para sayo kaya wag mong isiping balewala ka na. may gusto lang akong ituro sayo.." ngayon alam ko na kung ano yun. gusto niyang ituro saken na.... malalaman mo lang talaga kung gaano kaimportante sayo ang isang tao kapag nawala na sya sayo....

haay blog.. akalain mo.. sa mga ganitong panahon lang kita napapansin... hehe.. siguro naimbento nga talaga ang blog para may hingahaan ng sama ng loob ang mga taong emo... mga taong mapagpanggap.. ok narin to diba? at least isipin na lahat ng tao ang gusto nilang isipin...pero ikaw blog..ikaw lang ang tunay na nakakakilala saken..ang tunay na nakakaintindi ng nararamdaman ko.. hehe hindi ko nga alam kung may nakakabasa ba nito... well, ok narin na wala...kasi baka isipin ng mga tao sobrang loser ko na....

kanina kausap ko sya...haay...ang hirap...bumabalik na naman yung sakit ko...yung episodes ng paghyhyperventilate..sakit sakit sa dibdib...kaso hindi naman maiwasang sumama ng loob...minsan kasi mamimili ka.. ano sasaktan mo na naman ang sarili mo sa pakikipagusap sa kanya? o dedma na lang sa pride..

minsan hindi ko lang talaga matanggap siguro sa sarili ko na wala na... wala na talaga... paulit-ulit na naman niyang sinabi diba ann? maniwala ka na kasi. tanggapin mo na. wala ka na talagang magagawa... sumuko ka na. tanggapin mo na na ngayon wala ka na talagang puwang sa puso niya at kahit kailan, kahit ano pang gawin mo hindi na ulit magkakaron..isang katotohanang hindi mo na mababago.. hindi sa lahat ng panahon panalo ka.. hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon makukuha mo yung gusto mo..

sana matapos na lahat.... sana makalimutan ko narin sya.... sana makaalis nako agad.. siguro sa ibang lugar, mas madali ako makakapagpatuloy sa buhay.....

ito ang unang beses, in almost 2 months na nakatulog ako ng maaga..at ng hindi umiiyak.. it was quite unusual actually.. pero mas magaan ang pakiramdam ko ngaun.. sobrang dami ng nangyari... mga pagbabago sa buhay ko na nakakaoverwhelmed talaga...pero ngayon maganda ang gising ko.. dahil nakatulog ako kagabi...dahil sya ang huling kausap ko bago ako natulog...nakakapanibago.. pero nakakamiss din.. alam mong kausap mo yung taong pinakaimportante sa buhay mo pero alam mong sadyang hindi na maibabalik ang lahat sa dati.. parang napakatagal na panahon na ang lumipas..simula nung nakasama mo sya..nahahawakan ang mga kamay niya..at nayayakap at nahahalikan sya... hindi ko na maalala kung anong pakiramdam ng hawak niya..ng higpit ng yakap niya... gusto kong matandaan...ayokong makalimutan....
haay anne... isa kang malaking tanga.. ang tanga tanga mo talaga....
bakit mo hinayaang mangyari ang lahat ng ito? bakit mo hinayaan syang mawala? bukas imimeet ko yung photographers ko para sa shoot ko sa sunday...sa saturday naman may aattendang go-see for an event.. kahit na busy ako sa work at sa shoots or rakets..bakit ganun...may panahon parin ako para isipin sya... at alam mo na kahit gaano kasaya o kaperpekto na ang buhay mo ngayon.. nasa iyo na lahat ng hinihiling mo o pinapangarap mo.. parang may kulang parin.. hindi ka parin masaya.. kasi alam mong yung taong dahilan kung bakit ginagawa mo ang lahat ng ito..ung nagbibigay ng saysay o katuturan sa lahat ng ginagawa mo ay wala na.. hindi mo na kasama.. at malaking bahagi nito ay kasalanan mo.. naisip ko nga.. gagawin ko na lang ang lahat para ayusin ang buhay ko..tuparin ang mga pangarap ko..tapusin ang mga planong hindi natapos, o hindi pa nasisimulan.. unti-unting magmove on sa buhay..siguro darating din ung panahon na mas gagaan din ang lahat... at makakalimutan ko rin sya.. malay mo sa susunod na magkita kami, mas magiging madali na ang tumawa at kausapin sya.. guso ko pagdating ng panahon na yon maging proud sya saken... gusto ko maging crush niya ko ulet...ung taong hinangaan niya sa pagiging simple at maprinsipyo sa buhay.. o kung hindi man nya ko maging crush ulet, at least hindi nmn niya ikahiya na minsan nya akong minahal.. mahal na mahal ko sya..sobra.. sa buong buhay ko ngayon ko lang naramdaman to...ung sinasabi nila na nagmamahal ng walang kasiguraduhan..o hinihintay na kapalit.. kahit alam kong nawala na yung love nia para saken.. at darating ung time na may makikilala sya na magbibigay sa kanya ng higit pa sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya...masakit..oo..pero magiging masaya ko makita ko lang sya na masaya.. dahil alam kong nabago ko sya..nasira ko yung pagkatao nya dahil sa nagawa ko sa kanya...at ako ang pinakaunang taong magiging masaya pag nakita ko uli yung dating masayahin, malambing at pinakamabait na sya...
ngayon nakakausap ko sya..hindi ko maiwasang mangulila.. ngayon ko naiintindihan yung tunay na kahulugan ng katagang "so near yet so far"... ngayon na hanggang picture ko na lang sya nakikita.. at gabi-gabi paulit-ulit kong binabasa yung huling sulat nya saken na halos masaulo ko na dahil ginawa ko nang bedtime story..hehe.. at tanging yung stuff toy na lang na bigay nya saken yung nayayakap ko parati at iniimagine na sya...hindi ko alam kung mas payat o mas mataba na sya ron.. haays..ang sakit...sobrang sakit parin.. pero kasalanan kong lahat ng ito...iniisip ko na lang na.. i deserve everything that happened..dahil naging tanga ako...
kanina bago ko umuwi galing work, pinag-iisipan ko kung bibili ako ng polvoron...favorite kc ni papa un naisip kong uwian sya..pero naisip ko rin, bawal yun sa kanya..dahil high-blood sya at diabetic..pero gustong-gusto niya un eh.... kung minsan bakit kc kelangan pang magdesisyon ng tao..kelangan pa mamili kung yung bagay ba na tama..o yung bagay na nagpapasaya sayo..

haay ewan.. basta ngayon gusto ko magpakamiserable..heheh... after nito, hopefully..mejo ok nako.

5 years.. ..3 years that you waited.. ..2 years that we’ve been together.. It’s October 20, 2009 today… it’s supposed to be our 27th monthsary that we will celebrate together…. I hated myself. I hate myself until now… I always wanted more…not realizing that I once had the best… only to realize it all now that he already left…and now, a great part of myself was missing, and I’m afraid that I would just never be whole again…. I miss him.. I still love him.. I have always loved him. It has always been him. There was no one really. How could he know? He never listened to me. And he never listens now.. There were a lot of things that came…and grew…between us that set us apart. Things we had no power or control over. I just miss the person who made me believe in the real me.. the person who I first turn to when I want to cry… the person who I vowed to be with for the rest of my life.. I know he is happier now with someone else… he doesn’t have to tell me that.. and I can’t bear to see that… I would have fought for him… I would have done everything to set things right.. I would have done everything for my parents to really like him and fall in love with him… I would have done it all…. But what’s the use of trying when he no longer wants me…when he no longer believes in me…when every word he says now stabs me to death.. I know.. I made him that way. He was indifferent because of me. I’m letting him go.. even if I don’t really want to.. even if it means crying my heart out every night…spending all those sleepless nights watching nonsense dvd films.. or drinking and smoking.. nothing was ever worth it. I love you albert.. I always will…even if it means setting you free.. I’m giving you up..if it’s what makes you happy. .even if it means having me out of the picture.. Remember when I once told you that I’ll only leave you if I ever hear it straight from you that you no longer love me? Well… you said it last night… on our supposed to be 27th “love day”…so I guess.. goodbye…

well.. it's been a while since i wrote about something.. how i feel... it's raining hard last night, the power's off.. and i couldn't do anything hahah.. it's still raining now but there's no more floods and the power's back.... but i'm still bored..stuck in front of my pc..literally wasting time. well, not really.. i'm trying to reflect on things.. about my life... now i just turned 22, my life just suddenly turned all upside down.. like i don't know myself anymore..

well,, it started when my 2-year relationship ended.. just like that. really, i'm still amazed of everything that happened... back then i was always complaining of him not giving time..of not being with him..and now, that all has ended.. it just happened so fast.. everything happened so fast that it's quite inexplicable.. how anyone could forget a love like that. surprisingly i did. i moved on rather so fast and i jumped from one short-term relationship to another.. and now i wasn't so happy..

i'm tired of people who come and go... people you thought would stay..for long.. but then they'd just disappear. without prior notice. without even giving you decent explanations..  i admit, i wasn't at all hurt or shattered when my 2-year relationship ended. it was kind of a long and slow process of falling out of love...where both parties agreed. i was all the more devastated when the guy i fell in love with after disappeared just when i thought we really had it going on.. i felt left out.. i felt denied. i felt dumped. and i'm not used to being rejected. since then..i don't mind going on from one date to another... of kissing on the first date..getting intimate with an actual stranger and not keeping in touch afterwards.. but i miss him..the guy who left me. maybe because he was the one who actually left...unannounced.

"leaving someone, you have the right.. but you could have at least tell the reason why.. coz what's worse, what's even more painful.. is knowing that you don't even deserve an explanation.."

Right now, I’m just overwhelmed with a mixture of feelings… I was never used to writing at the height of my emotions because then I would be irrational. It happened yesterday, right when I’m starting to get used to the hang-ups of what has been starting to turn out to be my daily work routine. You wake up on a Monday…go to work. You wake up on a Tuesday…and go to work. Then it’s Wednesday. Then it’s Thursday and so on. Next week it will be Monday again, Tuesday again, so on and so forth. Until yesterday, I was shaken up or should I say beaten up by one of my ‘big’ kids that it served as a point of realization for me.



I was riding on the fx bound home and, really, I couldn’t help but cry. Good thing it’s dim as tears are welling up beneath my eyes. It just feels so sad… Earlier that day, my ‘big’ kid as I have said threw tantrums because of a petty thing – I didn’t fix her hair into a “pigtail” just because I have only one rubber band with me at that time and she doesn’t want a “ponytail”. She got really agitated, she was hurting herself, and she almost broke the wooden tables and chairs inside the room. She banged and pushed all the things on the table that they scattered all over the floor. Worse, she broke the aircon, and she almost broke the window. I was trying to restrain her, as any OT would do, but I just can’t. I can’t remember how many times I hit my head on the wall just because I was trying to protect her from getting harmed or from hurting herself during the incident. I admit she was so much stronger, taller and faster than I am that I can’t contain her. Finally, her nanny came in and she tried to calm her. When she finally relaxed, and her nanny was out already, we continued with our session. I tried my best to control my emotions, I didn’t want to cry as she performs the activities… I was crying not because I got hurt. Really, it was nothing to me. I’ve seen or handled worse. Her nanny even told me that it was not the worst yet that she did. As an OT, I was used to handling kids with behavioral problems ranging from mild to severe – from simple pinching, biting, kicking to almost ruining the entire therapy room. I cried because…I felt worthless during that time. I wasn’t able to do anything. Being a licensed occupational therapist…who am I to lecture caregivers and parents regarding behavioral modification techniques when I can’t even restrain or control this kid from throwing tantrums?or from wrecking the room? After 4 years of college, I felt like I’ve learned nothing. I definitely felt terribly awful… Before our session ends, right when she’s about to finish our coloring activity, I gave her a blank sheet of paper where she could scribble or what we call in psychiatry, “sublimate” her aggressiveness. I was surprised to see her drawing circles which later on turned out to be “smiley faces”, and she filled out the entire sheet of paper. She colored them and after that she folded the paper into four. I was watching her as she does it and I was shocked that she handed it to me then kissed me on the cheek. Oh I get it! She actually made a sorry card for me. *aww..* This kid is non-verbal and she has autism. Although she can imitate verbally the words “sorry” when her nanny asked her to say so after she threw tantrums…this is really a big deal for me - to think that she actually thought of making a card to make up for what she has done? Isn’t that sweet! =)



When I’m finally bound home…that’s when I pondered over the things that happened. Now I realized, all those “clinical reasoning” and “self-reflection” lectures by Mam Cabatan really come in handy in the real work setting. You begin to notice your mistakes and at the end of the day, you learn from them. How could I forget our psych lectures during internship?that to manage an aggressive patient, it’s not always best to confront him. If he’s mad to death, be calm and objective. That’s what I should have done during that incident. I should have tried to calm her down instead right when I see that being firm no longer works - that is what Behavioral Modification Technique is all about.



“I’ll be happy when…” Now I realize how sad that sounds and how many people commit that same mistake. According to the book I’ve read entitled “Being Happy” - If we’re unhappy, it’s because life is not as we want it. Life is not matching our expectations of how it “ought” to be and so we’re unhappy. Happiness is a decision.” Like what the father of one of my patients told me, I’ve been living a fast-tracked, clock-driven life, I should take a break every once in a while. Wu-wei…just go with the flow. I think that’s how other happy people’s lives are. Hoff said: “When we learn to work with our Inner nature, and with the natural laws operating around us, we reach the level of Wu Wei. Then we work with the natural order of things and operate on the principle of minimal effort. Since the natural world follows that principle, it does not make mistakes. Mistakes are made – or imagined – by man, the creature with the overloaded Brain who separates himself from the supporting network of natural laws by interfering and trying too hard.” I’m always setting standards for myself. I’ve always been obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist-idealist type of person…and now it has consumed me. It’s starting to set boundaries of what I could measure up for happiness. “I’ll be happy when…” Now I know I should be happy because I’m blessed for all these. And just like Winnie the Pooh’s philosophy – while Eayore frets, and Piglet hesitates and Owl pontificates…Pooh just is. I am what I am now, and it’s exactly what I need to be happy. I commit mistakes, I learn from them, and everyday I grow as a better person.



Right now, my head still aches during that incident...but it doesn't matter. It would continue to remind me of my desire to shape the behavior of my kid, to fulfill my wish if it's ever possible, to see her live as normally as any individual could. ^_^

It's quite amusing when you're with someone for quite some time and you find yourself wondering..how long am i going to stick with this person? Then you wake up all of sudden thinking why everything seems to have changed, and that something felt a lot stronger..

There are days when i'm at my lowest that i couldn't even paste a smile..that i want to get mad at him, i get so irritated of him for no apparent reason and yet, i just want to embrace him..that every mistake is a strong blade tearing you worlds apart and you get weaker every time..

There are times when i want to give up...and yet i don't want to let go.

There are times when he tells me the silliest of jokes and i find myself smiling..

There are nights when i can't sleep all just because i can't get him off my mind..

I just hugged him a minute ago and yet i already miss him..

It has just been 5 minutes when i last heard his voice and yet it seems like it was so long ago..

It's when you are together and you're always afraid for time to pass by..

It's when you speak in silence, and you just stare at his face through his eyes and he asks you why..all you say is "nothing, i just want to remember you.."

It's when he smiles and it makes you see the beauty of each coming tomorrow..

It's his grip that makes you never want to let go..

It's every moment that you lost him and you're filled with all the regrets..and one pang of guilt never leaves you and makes it all seem different..

It's when you say "I love you" and it felt like you've said all the words you could possibly say and it never seemed enough..

He's everything and so much more..

How can I love him like i've never done so before?

It's when...you look at him..and you're always afraid of losing him..and it threatens you about the uncertainty of forever and the consistency of the here and now..

How can i look at him and see something i couldn't hold up into the palms of my hands and yet i never want to lose grip of..

It's like feeling like crying even when you have nothing to cry about..

It's like you want to have all the reasons just to be with him...to be one with him..and then you'd wish the world would just stop turning..

It's like.....he's all you think about..and he's all that matters.

It's like a habit you've been trying to break and now you're just hooked..

It's like meeting someone ordinary...who turns out to be all you'll ever ask for in your life..someone who could mean so much that it hurts to think about..someone who stole you of yourself and yet you just gained anew.. someone..... just someone...

Someone i love

Like everyday's the last.....