Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

Alas! I finally have the time to sit back, think of all the years that gone by…update my blog (darn, after like what – gazillion years! Nah,, just an overstatement..;p) here I am, alone, doing my regular “reflections..” Indeed, it kind of help me a lot applying all those “thinking back”, reflecting over the things I had done…and had not done, or was not able to do so due to a number of reasons; making a sense out of my shallow life.

In my life now, transition is really a big word. At first I was wondering how I would ever get out into college life struggles, not because I did not enjoy my college life, but the hours and hours I spend inside the four corners of our classrooms get longer and longer.. and it only gets harder every time. Now that I am finally out of it all, I wonder, what now?

I always find myself stuck on one corner of my room...looking back…I never understand why it feels so great to reminisce all those memories of younger years until I realize why - simply because those are the days when everything was better.

Now that I’m beginning the life of a working individual…I’m having a lot of apprehensions.. First, should I work and use my diploma? Or should I use my diploma and work? Haha! What I really mean is that, I know some of my classmates who’d resort to working in a call center instead of using everything they have learned to do what they ought to do…to practice what they really worked hard for, and most importantly, to help other people.

I was grateful and I really appreciate everything that I learned from internship. Not only did it help me apply all the theoretical knowledge we have learned from our lectures and discussions but I also get to mingle with different kinds of people…and learn from them. Internship has taught me a lot of things – from the “what-to-dos” to “what-not-to”. I had the opportunity to get along with various kind of people – from my colleagues to the parents and caregivers and patients with which we offer our services.

It’s amazing how I do this technique and then it works in an actual patient, you realize, hey that’s evidence-based practice. Haha! One example of which was when I handled a 60-something year-old patient with Parkinson’s disease. I was pretty amazed by how I see before my eyes how a cog-wheel rigidity looks or feels like, how a masked fascies looks like, how an intention tremor differs from resting tremor, and the like…stuff I only get to read from books before; and a lot more conditions I got to handle that I was only able to hear and read from medical books and online reference materials.

A big bulk of what I learned was on how to relate with other people. I admit I was never that loud or outgoing person. I was rather shy. But an experience from one affiliation center served as an eye opener for me. I remember one professional that I worked with told me, “kailangan marunong kang makisama sa mga magulang ng mga pasyente…kasi sila ang maaaring makatulong o makasira sayo..” Indeed it’s true. For me, OT as a profession, lives on because of: the parents/caregivers who trust you, and the occupational therapist who has the skills and competency to practice. Establishing rapport is not that difficult for me. I have learned along the way how to interact and get to the level of my kids and their caregivers. But to stay in the profession means you have to be tough. One life-changing incident that could almost crash down my level of self-esteem was when I worked with my colleagues (who were supposed to grade me for my performance), thought we got along well but then all of a sudden, they failed me for reasons I never understood. For one thing, you cannot make all people like you. Even if I grew that way, that I always get what I want…I never argued with anyone or had a fight with someone before…no matter what you do, or how goody-two-shoes you are, you cannot please everyone. And sometimes, you just have to bear with that. If you’d get yourself affected, you’ll only suffer. You’d only prove them that they are right all along. The best counter-attack is to always do the best that you can, prove to them what your real worth, and never settle for a substandard or “okay” performance. When in every circumstances you have the chance to shine and leave a mark. Fortunately, I got the sympathy of my clinical supervisor, he believed in my potentials and he took my side. I couldn’t put into words how thankful and how grateful I was of him then. Coming from a different university than us, I thought he would be bias and all, but then, he fulfilled his job as a clinical supervisor – fair and objective when it comes to all his interns no matter what school they come from.

I remember when another clinical supervisor from one of our affiliation centers talked with me personally about my strengths and weaknesses as an OT. One thing that really marked to me then was when she said, “I think you have the skills…you just have to get out of your nutshell..” I never really understood what she meant until I was undergoing this volunteership program that I applied for to keep me busy during summer, while I was reviewing for the boards this July and my menthor reiterated that to me. Sometimes, it really helps when you have that someone who would make you realize what’s lacking, and what you already have that you need to polish. I know what we have learned and practiced during internship was not enough, and it’s not an excuse that you are not able to give your best shot. I was talking with one parent one time and she was asking me of the summary of the re-evaluation I had done for her child. I was not able to make the summary of re-evaluation because it was no longer required of me by my clinical supervisor since it was only a make-up duty. The parent told me, “hindi mo naisip na kailangan ng anak ko yun pag magpapacheck-up kami sa doctor..” Although it was stated in a manner as a joke, I felt terrible. She has a point. I was no longer doing this to graduate…I am now doing this for my patients. I admit, at some point in my life, I was also like the others who were conscious of their grades…to meet the deadlines of their papers… and what gets compromised? The quality of the service you deliver. It feels sad seeing patients not improving…just because their treatment was not well planned and carried out. Why? Because there’s a rapid transition (not even a transition) or change from one intern to another and kids find it difficult to adjust that’s why they regress; because every OT intern has a different treatment plan from the other even though they handle a similar kid; because the OT intern’s priority is: “basta matapos lang..” Duh, patients are not guinea pigs of the internship, they are people seeking for help and because they get there, found you, they deserve at least a decent intervention to address their problems properly! Who cares if you have no or little make-up days? who cares if you have an average of 1 or 2 in your transcript? Parents don’t have to know your GWA every time they’d walk into the clinic. What they see is your performance, how you handle their kids, and how their child improves even at home because you offered them the help they needed.

I am not saying all these because I do very well in my craft. I, as a practicing OT in the future, have my own flaws and inadequacies. This doesn’t mean that I’d stop here once I realized what’s wrong for we always have the option to do better every time. And before you know it, you’ll feel that you are really happy once you realized that everything is in its place…and a major part of it is because of YOU.

Performed by: Everything But A Girl

Now and then
Do you wash your hands of me again?
Wish me anywhere but home
Drunk and on the end of your phone

From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind?
Guess that "How you keeping now?"
Means "Where are you sleeping now"

But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did you might reply
That I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die

You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing
When you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
Always end up wondering

Will it ever be alright
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write,
Of course I don't have the time,
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my hear and hope to die

I hope we never die

ndi q kayang maging ung gurl na parating maghihintay sayo sa twing male-late ka..
ndi ka nmn nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ko..

ndi q kayang maging ung gurl na kayang maintindihan ka at maunawaan parati..dahil may mga bagay na sadyang ndi ko naiintindihan..

ndi ko kayang maging makulet at ngumiti parati gaya ng gusto mo kung ndi nmn un ung nararamdaman ko..

ndi ko kayang maging ung gurl na parating magpapaliwanag sayo ng mga bagay na dapat naiintindihan mo na..

ndi ko kayang maging yung gurl na mag-aadjust sa oras mo..na parating nandyan kung kelan ka lang may panahon para saken..

at higit sa lahat..

ndi ko kayang tanggapin na hahayaan mo lang ako halimbawang lumayo na ako at sumama sa iba..nasasaktan akong isipin na ndi ako kayang ipaglaban ng taong minahal ko ng buong buhay ko ngunit wla namang ibang ginawa kundi palayain ako..

ndi sukatan ng pagmamahal sa isang tao ang pagpaparaya..aanhin mo pa yung pagmamahal na yan kung wala ka ng paglalaanan..

"i love u".. "i promise"..lahat ng ito ay pawang mga salita..ano pang silbi nito kung ndi ko naman maramdamang mahal mo pa ako..

cguro nga nagkamali ka lng ng pagkakakilala saken..ndi ko kayang maging yung gf na gus2 mko maging..

mali nga cguro na pilitin kong baguhin ka at maging yung bf na gusto kong maging..

ok pb tau?... o pinipilit lang nateng maging "ok"..

mali ba na umasa at subukang paglapitin ang sadyang magkaiba nating mundo..

..dahil ndi na tau masaya at nasasaktan lang tayo...


................. ='(

A couple of hours ago, after surfing the net and all..i fell asleep. And as what usually happens to me, i think i had another "episode" of not that i know of yet. I started having this condition since high school, if i am not mistaken, and until now i keep having it every once in a while. There are even times that it happens twice or thrice a day. Sometimes it doesn't happen to me for quite a long time. It occurs more frequently whenever i am stressed. Whatever it is, i have yet to find out.

Whenever i sleep, i kind of awaken in the middle of my deep slumber.. i mean, i don't entirely wake up it's just that, i know i'm already awake and yet my body is kept immobile. It's not a nightmare for i did not have a scary dream whatsoever, it's just that, when i try to wake up i just can't... I want to move my body but i can't, i want to scream but not a sound comes out of my mouth.. And sometimes, i even see the people or things around me and yet they don't seem to notice me struggling beneath my "still sleeping" facade. And when i do manage to get out of it, my head hurts like hell and my heart palpitates crazily. I had not yet sought for a medical consultation regarding this because i never really take it as a big deal. And i've always believed that it's just normal and it happens to virtually everyone. Although, not as frequent as mine.. Some incidence of it before, indeed, was presided by a bad dream that is why i thought it's just a nightmare, although a lot of people have died already of not being able to wake up from a bad dream..hehe.. I have been living a healthy lifestyle, and i know i am. I do not drink or smoke often, and i am even anemic... Recently, it happens even without a dream.

There was one instance when it occured at school, when i fell asleep while my other blockmates that i'm with were still chatting.. same thing happened, i awoke..i can't move my body.. excpet that i think my eyes are open because i could actually see my blockmate beside me laughing at me.. i want to open my mouth and shout, hoping that she could hear me..i want to shout "help! wake me up, please..slap me or anything.." but there..i was stoned for almost 10 or 15 minutes. When i finally recovered, my blockmate was asking me about what's going on with me because my eyes kept moving expeditely but she never bothered waking me up because she thinks i'm still asleep. I told her, "of course i'm having my REM ok..i'm asleep.. but please shake me to get back because i'm having a nightmare already.."

Whenever it happens..there's always this fear that i would no longer wake up.. that i would no longer recover or get back to the real world. I once asked my mom about it, surprisingly, she also had the same condition back when she was still in high school. She told me that she gets so scared before and she struggles to really wake up from sleeping..but it's tiring...so she just said to herself, "bahala na..kung hindi magising eh di hindi.." Fortunate enough, she's still alive up to now, married had raised a family..and she's still with us!=)

The last "episode" was a bit creepy when, i was sleeping in my room in the middle of the night..i don't know if i am dreaming or what but i keep hearing this strange sound as to an airplane. It's just weird that the sound seems to have been coming from just above my ceiling?! And it is slowly drawing nearer.. I awoke from my sleep and still the same thing, i can't move..i can't speak..i want to shut my eyes wide open but i just can't...and then, i feel so light i could feel like my soul is slowly leaving my body.. that's when i felt scared and i was really determined to, hey! move!!! So i finally woke up, hardly catching my breath..my head aching as to a migraine of some sort. A lot of times, it's accompanied by a weird sound like a sound of a malfunctioning wirings or electrical connection inside my head..

I remember one of my classmates before told me that there is a type of seizure that occurs during sleep... i was thinking then, am i having seizures all this time? NO, i don't want to think of it that way... aren't all the skills and knowledge of a person zeros down below after a seizure attack??

As i was saying, just an hour ago, i had this "episode" again. It's so darn scary 'coz in the middle of it, i hear a male voice..a full and deep male voice saying "hello"... i was so scared...really damn scared...and i really pushed myself to wake up, determined not to sleep again, for now, until the evening. Am i hallucinating already? Of hypnopompic type? Although, it's nonpathological anyway..it's just quite disturbing.. 

*....grabe ang dami ko namang sakit! just when i grew up algophobic.. hahahah ;p

it's getting more and more difficult each time..it's as if i missed something, and now i'm losing everything..i can no longer function well....my time management sucks...myself sucks..

these past few days i've been eating a lot..been sleeping a lot...i was asking myself..am i stressed? darn...hold on anne...few to go and you're through... not now... not just now... so succumbed with anhedonia...i can no longer pull myself through..i can't think right..start with my day right...start with my work right..

Earlier this day, as usual, i woke up early, got on the bus early hoping to catch up on time with my 8am duty at our school clinic. I was constantly thinking then, what if i get involved in a crash? i would at least have a break. what more fascinating could it get than having to stay all day without ever thinking of anything or doing anything at all.. unfortunately enough, it came true. The bus that i am currently riding to school hit another car by accident..bad thing it belongs to the cops..but our driver is on the right lane! so there we had to pull over..as they talk things through..but i don't know..as people get down from the bus one by one, i was literally stuck on my seat and i was there..30 minutes still before my class, and i didn't even bother to get up. i just let things flow..and i went with the flow..blunted affect...anhedonic...1 hour has lapsed still...and another 30 minutes more...funny how the other teenagers on the bus that remained just took pictures instead. Another 30 minutes, the talk was over, the whole thing was resolved at the police station, and our bus was back on the road. After i reached my destination, i got down the bus, bought some food, and hurried off to another bus that would take me home. I no longer wanted to go to school.. what's the point? I was more than 1 hour late and it's considered absent even...really, what's the use? I admit, i wanted everything that happened. I wanted to let time lapse..i wanted not being able to attend my duty for the day, which is by the way equivalent to 2 more days of make up duties. I don't know... it's just that...i'm not myself lately...and i hate the way it is.. but i just can't do anything about it..

i'm just..tired of everything.... i would appreciate putting a halt to it all....... and i was asking myself, would it be better if i no longer wake up from sleep one day? i guess everything would be better......

*year-ender post about looking back and all.. ngaun ko lng uli magagawa to eh, ehehhe

Guy 2002-2004

my first love, heheh.. how could i forget ba. Though i doubt if nalaman mo until now na ikaw nga ang first love ko, oo ikaw nga! I bet masshock ka... we used to be buds back then,, very very close friends... naalala mo ba how people would used to joke about us? and kung papaano miski ako pinagselosan ng gurl na nililigawan mo? Love mo ang friend ko. Alam mo nman na crush ko ang bestfriend mo, pero ang totoo love kita.. hehehe.. ikaw ang first dance ko sa prom...longest conversation ko sa phone....at naalala mo ba nung nagtapat ka na "yata" saken in the middle of Filipino class at ang tanging nasabi ko lang ay, "oh?" hehehe..kahit na madalas kang nagpaparamdam about the possibility na maging tayo, hindi ko inisip yon..ayokong isipin kc iba ang alam kong mahal mo.. hindi ko makakalimutan yung pagtambay natin sa labas ng physics, nakakatawa kc nagkukwento ka nun tungkol sa favorite mong Kill Bill with matching sound effects., sa sobrang engaged naten sa ginagawa naten ndi naten namalayan na nagsisimula n pla ang class at wla man lng tumawag saten sa labas para papasukin tau s classroom. hahah! Dati binabasa mo pa saken sa phone ang laman ng card na ibibigay mo sa nililigawan mo...at kung gaano ko gusto umiyak nung tumawag ka saken, umiiyak dahil binasted ka ulit niya...sa loob-loob ko.. kung ako na lang sana... *haha! kanta yun diba* kamuka mo pa yung bidang lalake dun,=p at yung personalized card na binigay ko sau? na may drawing ko pa ng mukha mo? lam mo bng gnwa ko yun nung bakasyon..habang iniisip lang kita...=p hehehe...nweiz, namimiss kc kita. Gusto ko lng mgpasalamat sa lahat..sa friendship...sa pagtawag saken kpg tinetxt kta at 12 o'clock kpag ndi ako mktulog..sa paniniwla saken nung nasangkot ako sa isyu na binabadmouth ko yung crush mo..sobrang saya ko kc ako yung pinaniwalaan mo... basta, im happy kc ikaw ang naging first ideal guy ko. At hindi mo lng alam gaano kita minahal at iniyakan nun. Heheh! Oh heck, basta, thanks for the memories! ^^,

Guy 2004-2007

hmpf, wla lng..hehehe..khit na hanggang ngaun hinahabol parin ako ng mga nagulo mo ang buhay dahil..anlabo mo kc! ang nagustuhan ko lng sau eh yung khit bad guy ang porma mo,, sweet guy and sentimental ka pla beneath.. masaya ako na naging honest ka saken all through out..honesty in a sense na hindi mo na nga ata alam magsinungaling para hindi nmn ako masaktan, hehehe.. hndi ko iniisip na niloko mko..pakiramdam ko kc, problema mo na talaga yan, heheh kaya wish ko sau dis xmas ay mahanap mo na sya...yung totoong siya, yung makakapagpasaya sau at hindi mo pagsasawaang mahalin..alam mo namang yun yung gusto ko para sau ever since diba? pero skbla ng lhat, may pinagsamahan parin nmn tau..malilimutan ko b nmn ang first serious bf ko? for the first time i planned na hindi na maglaro at magseryoso.. ikaw ang first hug ko, first date, first ka-holding hands, sau ako naniwala noon na posible pala ang "love at first sight"..hehehe! ang cute mo kc, kalog at vain! pero hindi ko malilimutan nun ay kung gaano tau ka-open sa isa't-isa nun, na miski kalokohan at weird na bagay napag-uusapan naten..pati ba nmn yung different types of kiss? hahah! kaya lng hindi na matutuloy ang plans naten...si baby ashley.. marriage at 27...work abroad etc.. nweiz,, we're like best buds diba? until now. Kaya im thankful anyhow,, na takbuhan mo parin ako kapag malungkot ka, alone at namimiss mko.. na kapag kausap mko feeling ko ako ang prettiest girl sa mundo sa sweetness at compliments mo...at ikaw ang number one fan ko sa aking career sa pagkanta! hehehe muntik na taung makabuo ng banda eh,, ikaw ang bassist at drummer, ako ang vocalist (yuck, hehe)..pero kilig kpag tinutugtugan at kinakantahan mko sa fone...tatawag ka dhil wla lng namiss mo ko, yung voice ko..na ikaw narin ang ngsbing wlang katulad sa lhat ng naging gf mo...hehehe...kaya nasaktan man ako b4 dhil minahal kita ng sobra.... hindi nman ako ngstop mahalin ka. Mahal parin kita...as a friend na nga lng.

*special guy in between (July-January..)

hmm... ikaw ang unang nagmulat (yuck ang lalim) saken sa mundo kung saan nageexist pla ang ideal guy, ideal love..at mala-high school na tipo ng ligawan etc. hahaha!! sa lahat ng guys na nanligaw saken, ikaw lang yata yung nagbigay sken ng gifts in a unique way...origami...butterflies...lego blocks..letters and poems... ang cute! at ang romantic mo nga... naalala ko kung gaano ako niloloko ng mga blockmates ko na, "andaya mo! lahat nlng ng ok na guy nagkakagusto sau!" nweiz,, ndi ko nmn ineexpect na mangyayari un..na magiging close tau...saka..hindi tau pwede dahil meron ka...meron din ako nun... basta, hindi ko lng makakalimutan yung mga personalized poems na lgi mong "patagong" binibigay saken dhil bka may makakitang clasm8s naten at maisyu tau..sa pagtetext mo saken in the middle of the class pra lng sbhing ang ganda ng aus ko.. sa pagbibitbit ng mabibigat kong gamit kpg ngkakasabay tau s pgtwid sa faura...sa pagtitinginan naten sa lib...sa pagkakaroon naten ng "sariling mundo" kaya niloloko tau lgi ng groupm8s naten.. sa pagtatampo mo dhil tinulugan kita pagmagkatext tau... sa pagmimiscol mo pra lng mgparamdam na andyan k lng s tbi-tbi...sa pagdamay saken sa mga problema ko...sa pagiging ideal guy ko.... salamat sa lahat...sa pagiging super caring na kuya"....thanks..lab na lab kita!

Guy 2007-present

heheh...ano nga bang masasabi ko dito sa guy nato..well, siya ang present bf ko... hmm..napansin ko lang,..lahat pla ng naging love ko ay almost 3 years nagtagal...pero sana si love ko ngaun ay hindi lng 3 years magtagal..sana magtagal pa kami ng as in uber tagal..heheh.. etong guy nato, sa totoo lng, hindi ko maimagine dati na magkakagusto ako sa kanya at na magiging kmi.. Madalas naiinis ako sknya kc "ano ba nmn to, gusto nia lagi kming sbay umuwi o pumasok..lagi nagtetext...may gusto daw sya saken pero prng wla nmn..ayoko nga sknya, ang chubby chubby pa..".. hehehe!..akalain mong bumaliktad ang mundo. Siya yung opposite ata ng ideal guy ko na long hair, maputi, matangkad, sporty, singkit at average built. Although singkit nmn sya, hehehe..pero cute din nmn. Pero dhil love ko na siya ngaun, wla eh..may something tlga dun sa red na dot na nasa noo nia (siopao) hahaha!! Basta ang nagustuhan ko sa guy nato,, super sweet at malambing, at napakagentleman..corny, oo proven na yan..at dhil ok n ok nmn sya s family and friends ko.. ok na ok din sya for me. I love the way kung papaano niya ko pinapatawa parati,, kung paano nia pinaparamdam na special ako in his own little ways..kung papano nagiging unpredictable ang takbo ng relationship namen dhil sa kanyang mga surprises...at kung papano...smooth sailing lang ang lahat, na sana wla na kaming maging problema...=)
5 months have lapsed....at sana, marami pa kaming memories na mabuild! yey!

**next tym ulet, sakit na daliri ko ;p (parang linya niya to ah,, bully!**

I don't need a lot for christmas
There is just one thing i need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
All i want for christmas is you...

haay... ang lamig na kc, lapit na ng christmas, sarap tuloy magsenti, muni-muni lang, heheh.. pero unlike nung previous christmas, this christmas happy ako..=)

it's been 4 months narin, sa totoo lang, achievement na para saken yun. I was the type kc na madali ring magsawa..hindi ako sanay na pare-pareho na lang., yun at yun na lang.. i always seek for novelty, for something unique and exciting. Cguro it just happens that this time, mahal ko na nga talaga siya..unlike how i ever loved anyone before.. sa kanya kc, pakiramdam ko ang dami-dami ng nabago sa sarili ko. Nasanay ako before na nakukuha lagi ang gusto ko, when it comes to relationships kumbaga, "i am the captain of my ship, i am the master of my fate.." cguro kya narin hindi masydo nagwork yung mga previous relationships ko is because, i thot i have given my best shot, yun pla hindi. Ako rin yung may pagkukulang... ngayon kasi iba na..

Waiting...it is what i hate the most. I was always punctual kc, i rarely become late.. I remember before when i was to meet up with a guy sa mall, na-late lng siya ng wala pang 30 minutes, umalis na ako. And it ended up pa na siya yung super nagsosorry when i was the one who wasn't patient enough to wait. Pero this time, miski ako nagugulat rin sa sarili ko...how i manage to wait for 2 or even 3 hours for him.. pero pag naghihintay ako, parang napakabilis lang ng oras..maya-maya naman makikita ko narin sya.. and he said he managed to wait for me for 3 years...i just didn't ask him,"bakit, sa 3 years ba na yun ako lang talaga yung mahal mo?ako lang yung laman ng isip mo?" Dahil pag sinabi niyang oo, hindi na talaga ako maniniwala sa kanya..

Whenever i am with him, i know i am at peace, secured and contented. Cguro nung mga first months lang namin na i didn't totally trust him all at once...andun pa yung doubts ko sa feelings ko.. I admit, i didn't immediately fell for him. Gusto ko siya..pero during those times, i was still in love with my ex..i still miss him..i'm still longing for him to beg me to come back. Pero nung nangyari yun, I was more inlove na with my present bf.. however, may doubts din ako...sa bf ko..na baka hindi pa sya nakakaget-over talaga sa ex niya..alam ko kung gaano niya minahal yun...kahit hindi niya sabihin saken, naramdaman ko nun sa tuwing magkukwento siya saken dati nung hindi pa kmi, sa maraming beses na nababanggit niya saken yun..nakita ko kung gaano niya yun kamahal at kung gaano siya nasaktan...kaya nga dati, kapag dumarating yung point na, pinaiyak na naman ako ng ex ko, at siya yung nandiyan para makausap, at kung kelan malapit ko na siyang magustuhan...mababanggit niya uli yung ex niya...at nabubura lahat sa isipan ko lahat ng pag-asang pwede ring maging kami. At minsan pag naiisip ko yun, naiiyak na lang ako, thinking na baka i'm facing another heartache na naman and, one more pa talaga hindi ko na kakayanin.. I was never the strong one. The last time my heart was broken, my health almost gave me away.. Kaya nga cguro nung nagtapat siya saken, at inamin niyang mahal niya ko..hindi ako nagulat. Pero hindi rin ako naniwala agad. Cguro gusto niya ko, pero mahal? Masyadong mabigat yung salitang yun para gamitin ng basta-basta..Or cguro ang hirap na lang kc magtiwala.. I was born with the thinking na, i don't need men, or at least be dependent on one man to live happy.. Now, the tables have turned...i am starting to depend on him more than i thought i would.

Whenever i have a new suitor, i was fond of putting them off to a test, but all of them failed. Simpleng pagsagot lang sa tanong na,"bakit mo ko mahal? at bakit ikaw ang kailangang piliin ko?" hindi pa nila maibigay saken yung sagot na hinihingi ko. At yung isa pang test na madalas kong ginagawa, yung pinakahindi nila magawa...ang maghintay ng hindi nila alam kung ano bang standing nila saken.. madalas kc naiinip sila, meaning, hindi sila ganun kasincere. O kaya, sincere sila pero hindi naman willing maghintay. Kaya i was disappointed most of the time, hopeless na hindi ko na makikita yung right guy for me. But now, the guy that i currently love...he fits the position almost more than perfectly...(he he, the sentence was poorly constructed by the way). There's just no way that i could describe in concrete words how much he grew to become such a precious part of me.. When we kiss, i could hardly feel him, parang ang bilis bilis ng oras..and when i hug him...there's a feeling inside of me never wanting to ever let go, dahil baka pag bumitaw ako, mawala siya at hindi ko na siya makita...

Kaya ngayon, natatakot ako... takot kasi, habang tumatagal, lalo ko siyang minamahal and natatakot ako na baka may mangyari at matapos na lang bigla ang lahat. Bukod pa dun, hindi niya pako talaga kilala...marami pa siyang hindi alam..and i wonder if he would still want to spend the rest of his life with me after.. Pero... siya yung gusto kong makasamang maghintay ng sunset sa baywalk, magkahawak-kamay, sweet and still in love at the age of 70 or 80.... I always say to myself, hindi importante kung nakailang relationships ka, or how many times you've been in love...what's most important is that, there is one person, just one man, who is willing to stick it out with you until the end...yung may makakasama ka in the remaining half of your life. At sa panahong iyon, ayokong mag-isa.. Kung iisipin, almost a quarter of my life narin ang naglapse... 7 innocent years plus, 13 years in the four corners of the classroom.. and there, nothing new. After i graduate in college, hindi ko parin alam what would become of me then..

Going back, cguro i'm just the type of person who needs constant reassurance... kaya lang, when he asks me how to prove how much he loves me, actually hindi ko rin alam kung papaano..

Kahapon, nung pinapanood ko yung favorite kong Jdorama, "Long Vacation", kakaiyak grabe, heheh..patapos na kasi. Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Minami,
"Mas mabuti pa nung magkaibigan kami ni Sena.. andito si Sena nakatayo, dito naman si Minami nakatayo sa tabi ni Sena..ang saya-saya namin nun. Pero kapag hinarap niyo na yung nararamdaman niyo para sa isa't-isa..ang hirap pala. Kahit yung maliliit na bagay nagiging malaking problema. At hindi maiiwasang may isang masasaktan.."

tama, may point si Minami. Pero mas may point yung bestfriend niya nung sinabi nya kay Minami na,
"Kaya lumalaki ang maliliit na bagay, at nagsisimula na kayong magselos at mag-away, dahil mahal niyo nga ang isa't-isa. Gusto niyong gawin parati ang tama na kahit na maliliit na bagay lang napapansin niyo na at sinisigurong nasa ayos ang lahat. Dahil importante ang tingin mo sa kanya, at ganun din siya sayo. At ayaw niyong masaktan ang isa't-isa. Pero minsan hindi naiiwasan talaga.."

..at ang cute niya pa habang sinasabi yun, haha! Ang cute talaga ng mga hapon..kahit Jdorama, nagmumukang anime. =p

Anyway, ang point ko lang is..kung minsan nagiging ang babaw pala ng tao, paranoid at sobrang sensitive kapag nasa isang relationship.. dahil may isa ka pang taong kinoconsider parati..dahil ngayon hindi ka na lang nagdedesisyon para sa sarili mo, dahil may isang taong posibleng masaktan o maapektuhan sa kung anumang gagawin mo. Sabi ni Shinji kay Ryouko,
"Hindi ako naniniwalang kailangan mong i-give up ang isang bagay na nagpapaligaya sayo para sa taong mahal mo."
Pero sabi nga ni Sena,
"Kung mahal mo ang isang bagay, gagawin mo lahat para hindi siya mawala sayo..kahit mahirapan ka..kahit nasasaktan ka na. Hinding-hindi ka aalis sa tabi niya. Ipaglalaban mo parin siya."

..ang sweet ni Sena!! Hahaha!! La lang, grabe kung saan-saan na nauwi itong post na 'to. Heheh, cge nood muna ulit ako "Long Vacation". Final episode na ngayon. buh-bye!

Shux, habang tumatagal nararamdaman kong tumatanda na nga ako… waahhhh, twenty na ako! Pag may nakikipagkilala saken na guy at sasabihing 21 or 22 sila…naiisip ko, “yoko mas matanda saken,” feeling ko naman 18 lang ako! Wahaha!! Anyway, ifufulfill ko parin ang balak naming ni ellie…to grow old gracefully and beautifully hahah! Cheers! Ever since talaga idol ko si cory quirino., who would have guessed what her exact age is? Miski aq hindi ko mahulaan, hihihi..;p

Nweiz, gaya nga ng title ng post na ito…cge “looking back”…. (grabe lakas ng loob ko nu, ngaun pako nagganito kung kelan tambak ang papers ko…wahahaha obsessive-compulsive talaga ako. Hindi ako makapagmove on o makapag-isip hangga’t hindi ko nafufulfill ang compulsion ko…at ngaun nga, ang maipost sa blog ko ang mga pangyayari nung…err…bata pa ako? Yuck! Hahahah!)

Elem days…

Bata pa lang ako achiever nako…pero di dahil gusto ko…napilitan lang, hahaha hanggang sa magtuloy-tuloy na… kung pwede lang ibenta ang mga medals at certificates…yabang! Heheh, pero totoo…aanhin ko ba yung mga un ngaun? Naaalala ko first contest yata na napanaluhan ko yung 2nd placer ako sa division level ng poster-making contest, nung grade3 heheh.. sayang din kasi sinabi mismo ng mga judges na ako dapat ang first, mas magaling daw kasi ako magdefend as compared dun sa nagfirst, kulang lang yung ginawa ko. Ang theme kc nun “Noon at Ngayon” eh malay ko bang kelangan ding lagyan ng “Bukas” or future yun. Hahaha! Sayang umabot sana ng regional level! Hahah,, asa!

Nung elem ko nakilala ang first bestfriend ko. Though hindi ko nga masyado naenjoy at nafeel ang pagkakaron ng bestfriend dahil magkakumpetensya rin kami sa first honor ever since. Super tight kami nun grade 1 pa lang na miski mga naging puppy loves naming eh bestfriends din. Hahah! Weird pero…sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi, yun ang first bf ko. Hahaha! Syempre hindi seryoso. Ano bang alam ko sa love nun. Parang mga bata na..”uy crush ko sya..” eh nagkataong crush namin ang isa’t-isa..eh di yun! Hahah! Wag ka nagsusulatan pa kami nun kahit nung nagtransfer nako ng ibang school nung grade2. Natigil lang yun nung nagbigay siya saken ng letter one time na may kasamang singsing…nakita ng mama ko. Lagot! Ngayon nga nakakasabay ko sya paminsan-minsan sa bus…walang pansinan. Hiya ako eh.=p ewan ko if naaalala niya pako. =)

Hehehe..at kasabay nga ng pagtransfer ko ay nagtransfer din ang bestfriend ko sa parehong school. Ang reason namin…takot sa terror na teacher. Haha! Pero empre nalungkot ako nung nagtransfer uli sya ng school nung grade3 at yun tuluyan na talaga kaming naghiwalay…

Nakakainis lang yung mga classmates kong lalaki nun kc lagi nila akong pinagtritripan, lagi nila akong pinapaiyak…pero wag ka, ako parin binibigyan nila parati ng flowers kapag valentines, kahit mga gumamela at santan lang yun. Hahaha! Hmpf, tapos nililigawan nila ko nun?? Hmpf.hmpf. Yung isa pa naaalala ko, napakapersistent,, mula kinder ata hanggang grade 6 crush niya ko na mismong nanay niya kinakausap ang mama ko tungkol samen. Hahahah!! Naalala ko pa nung 1 time, dalawang classmate kong guy ang sumunod saken pauwi para malaman kung san ako nakatira, nalaman ni papa, ayun todo sermon sila sa school kinabukasan. Hahaha! Mahigpit talaga si papa ever since.

Tuwing United Nations…hmpf, lagi akong nagtatago nun kaso wala eh, no choice, ako parin lagi nilang ninonominate na muse kaya ang nangyayari,,,ako lagi sa Mr. and Ms. UN… bad trip talaga. Pero once lang ako nanalo ng Miss UN, naalala ko New York ata ako nun., yung mga sumunod runner-ups na lang. Kaw ba namang hindi pagsawaan ng tao, taon-taon na lang? hahaha!

Bibo talaga ako nung elem eh..lahat ng contests sinasalihan ko. Declamation, oration, quiz bees, journalism,… ako ang class president parati, ako parin ang president ng SBO namin nun at editor in chief ng “D Builders” ung school organ namin, scout leader ng GSP… puro responsibilities kaya hindi ko talaga masyado naenjoy kabataan ko nun. (yuck feeling ang tanda na). Tapos tuwing may performance sa school, andali-dali nila kong mahatak para tumula, kumanta o sumayaw. Hahaha, naaalala ko may dance group pa kami nun. (-_-)

Ayun, nakagraduate naman…millennium batch pa..at valedictorian. Maraming naiinis ata saken nun kc karamihan ng teachers namin favorite ako. Pero okay lang, hindi ko na lang sila pinapansin. Pero wag ka, kami-kami rin magkakalaro palagi sa piko, Chinese garter at kung anu-ano pa. Hahahah!!

Nakakamiss…… pero ayoko ng balikan yung mga bad memories..yung mga bullying days…

Haay…skul…

Ewan ko ba kung bakit, kung gaano ako kabibo nung elem eh ganun ako ka-shy type at “maria clara” DAW nung hayskul. Enjoy ako nung high school, super. Mga tropa ko nga nun, tropa ko parin hanggang ngaun… syempre..first love (na hindi niya nalaman hahah) Bry! Peace! Heheheh. High school ko tinuloy ang lyre ko..nung elem kc majorette ako. Mas gugustuhin ko namang tumugtog kesa kumembot-kembot ng may maiksing palda nu!! Dito ko rin pinagpatuloy ang badminton…though hindi nako sumasali masyado ng contests unlike before. Grabe nagregress talaga social skills ko! Hahahah!! Kahit madalas ako tinutukso ni tonix na crush ng bayan daw ako nung hayskul…dko tlg na-feel yun as in. Hindi kc ako socialite eh. Nung tinanong nga ko ng CS ko sa Ward 5 na… “tga-CNHS din ako. Kami ang first batch ng Limestone dun. Kilala mko?” naisip ko….shux, madi-DM ba ko dahil dko sya nakilala nun? Wahahah!! I admit, wla tlg ko masyado nakilala nung hs, unlike nung elem na lahat ng estudyante kilala ako at ate ang tawag saken. Hehehe. Tska nung hs, ilan lang naman yung “nalaman” kong nanligaw saken ah… yung iba magugulat na lang ako sasabihing nanligaw pla sila saken?? Weird!

Basta, basta…maraming isyus nung hs pero malaking bulk tlg ng memory ko nun ay naconcentrate sa moments namin ng first love ko na first dance ko din nung JS Prom. Hahaha! Dko makakalimutan yun.

College days…

Tabula rasa. Wala eh. Haha. Nakapagpost na yata ko nung tungkol sa college dito before.. ayun!

Natatandaan ko lang, nung nag-18 ako di nako nagdebut. yuck! hahaha.. yun yung mga panaho na namulat nako sa gender sensitivity na babae ka lang kapag nakadress ka! hahaha =p

Eto na lang.. totoo nga ang saying: “kung gaano kahirap makapasok sa UP, ganun din kahirap makaalis” whahaha!!!

**Ciao! Gawa muna papers… >_<

Ginawa niya na naman. Ang nakikita ko ngayon ay madilim pa sa nakasanayan. Ang makakita, makapagtype sa harap ng pc, huminga….lahat parang ang hirap hirap gawin. Kanina tinitingnan na naman ako ng maraming tao ngunit hindi katulad ng karaniwan ko ng nararanasan…dahil ba nakashades ako ng black gayong makulimlim naman? Naisip ko, bagay pala sa akin ang magshades. Dahil hindi nila halos napansin ang mugto kong mga mata. Nakakatawa. Hanggang ngayon nga nangangatog pako. Ngayon ko lang naranasan sa buong buhay ko na wala ako halos maramdaman. Na miski ang sarili kong katawan hindi ko maramdaman, at para akong nakalutang sa daan habang naglalakad. Iniisip ko kung epekto lang ba ito ng shades kaya bigla akong nagkaron ng problema sa depth perception ko at ang hirap estimahin ng distansya ng bawat yapak ko. Parang katulad niya…ang hirap parin timplahin. Sa tagal na panahon na kasama ko siya… Mabait kung mabait. Ngunit kapag galit na…hindi ko na siya halos makilala. At katulad ng dati, eto na naman… naisip ko, hindi ko parin kaya. Ang hirap parin magsalita. Sa matagal na panahon…ang hirap maintindihan ka ng iba. Hindi makalabas yung totoong ikaw..hindi mo masabi o maipahayag yung gusto mo.. at kahit na ganon, siya parin naman ang inisip ko ah. Nung dali-dali akong umakyat ng kwarto at nagkulong ng sarili…ano kaya kung hindi ko binuksan yon. Ano kaya kung hindi ko na binuksan… Sa wakas, malalaman kaya nila na eto na yung panahon para ako naman yung pakinggan? Napakagandang tingnan ng maliliit na piraso ng salamin na basag… Kumikislap.. parang maliliit na bituin na gusto kong hagkan… Hindi ko alam kung ano yung nabasag. Basta ang alam ko, napakasarap pakinggan ang tunog ‘non. Pero… parati na lang ako yung mali. Nakakapagod na. Tapos ngayon, heto siya, yayakapin ako ng mahigpit at hihingi ng tawad. Ngayon, ilang oras na ang nakalipas…parang walang nangyari para sa kanila…pero para sa akin, hanggang ngayon… ang hirap parin huminga. Ang hirap parin magsalita. Hindi ako makalingon para tumingin sa iba pang bagay na nasa paligid. Hindi ako makapag-isip. At hindi ko parin maramdaman ang aking sarili… Hindi ba niya nakikita na…sa bawat pangyayari…mabababaw na mga pangyayaring katulad nito..ay unti-unti akong napapalayo sa kanya…hindi niya nalalaman kung papaano ako nababago ng mga ganitong pangyayari na kahit anong materyal na bagay ang ibigay niya bilang kapalit… hinding-hindi nito matutumbasan ang mga sugat na nagawa niya sa akin. Mga imortal na sugat na sa paglipas ng panahon ay hindi pa lubusang humihilom at napapatungan pa ng mga panibagong sugat sa aking pagkatao. Pero ang lahat ng ito’y hindi ko maramdaman. Malapit ko na tuloy pagdudahan kung…. Totoo ba ako? Dahil sa kabila ng lahat, eto parin ako…patuloy na naghahanap ng kakampi…ng taong magpapakita sa akin ng totoong halaga ko, at magpaparamdam sa akin na kahit papaano…kahit minsan…tama rin ako.



*for the record, nabawasan na naman ang lifeline ko. Heheheh., okay nailabas ko na ang sama ng loob ko. OK nako. ;)

haay...ang sarap ng hangin...ang lamig.. kapag mga ganitong panahon ginaganahan ako lalong magsulat...

I miss writing now these days... when I was cleaning my room earlier this day, I stumbled with my previous literary works – stories, poems, quotes, musings to name a few… I realized I have not been writing three years now! That’s when I begin to realize that as time goes by, some things really has to go… I don’t want to let go of writing, or doing anything that I had previously been doing, but now…there’s hardly enough time. It seems like, time is really running out for me. If there could only be more time for me to do the things I want to do without having to get all cranked up, messed up.. I hate cramming my life. I have always hated the idea that I would have to do something, but the quality gets compromised just because I have a deadline to follow. I hate how my life’s slowly becoming clock-driven.. Now, just to be able to do one thing, something else has to be compromised, overlooked, or worse, neglected. Slowly, I’m turning out to be delinquent. Not that I wanted to be one. Sometimes, it all just fall into place.

I miss my old buddies…

Yesterday morning, Jade, one of my closest high school pals texted me with a very unusual news. She was so bothered with this dream that’s why the instant she woke up, she sent me a message asking how I’ve been doing lately. Actually, I didn’t quite know how to react then. Not that the news is nothing new to me, or is it true, but it’s really no big deal to me. She said that she dreamed that I was terribly sick, that I have a leukemia, and I was dying… Weird but I wasn’t at all surprised. I just told her then not to worry because I am perfectly fine and healthy, even if I’m not getting enough sleep lately. I’m definitely in good shape and still functioning well.=) I was deeply touched then, how worried she really was, even if it was just a dream. She used to be my closest pal back in high school…she was the one I met first and got along with first during my first year, when I had not been talking with anyone yet because I hardly know anybody then. We’re both shy and as they call it “maria claras” back then. I wonder how we both have changed now.. he he. Darn, I miss her.. =p
Last night, still, I was talking with Joan about my present dilemma and…he he..it’s funny how she suddenly changes her views, and how her previous advices changes as compared to her opinions regarding that matter now.. I couldn’t post it yet here in my blog…perhaps, someday, I could be more at ease to talk about it once I finally resolved it. It’s something only I and Joan know as of the moment.. And later this afternoon, she’s dropping by to visit, well.. to talk about it…and to talk about so many things! We haven’t seen nor heard of each other for long and, darn, how I miss her so bad as well! =)

At home with Ward 5…

I don’t know how my fellow blockmates are going to react regarding the heading of this article, he he. Perhaps they’re going to react sarcastically or probably, astonished. Partly because, Ward5 is our most toxic rotation in internship and a lot of people have been failing in this affiliation center. It’s just that, I’ve been enjoying doing patient care in a hospital setting, and I especially enjoy doing bedside treatments at the ward. I don’t care how many demerits I get, I’m more concerned with the quality of patient care I provide with my patients. Last Monday I arrived almost 1 hour late just because of the deadliest traffic I encountered in zapote throughout my entire college life! I was literally stuck in one place for 2 hours! From what I’ve heard, the reason for it was because an airconditioned bus (I would not mention the name) fell out of the ply-over and literally turned upside down. A lot of people died due to that incident. The bus blocked the way, it took hours before it got finally removed and the traffic restored to its normal flow. It was even heart-felt when I got home that day with my dad so worried that I might have been involved in the tragedy. I left the house that day at 5:30am and it was a good thing even that I got late then, because the big crash happened at five in the morning. Going back…it’s just sad that I arrived at ward 5 late. It was considered absent even. I was thankful anyhow that my 9am patient didn’t arrive. Anyway, I had already endorsed him to one of my colleagues in case he arrives. I was just unable to inform the center that I’m going to be late because I was never really aware that I’m going to be late until I was stuck in the heavy traffic and heard of the accident from my boyfriend. So there… My co-interns even told me, “kung ako ikaw hindi na lang sana ako pumasok, absent narin naman ako” I just said jokingly, “bakit ba, eh gusto ko pumasok eh” hehehe. The truth is, I really wanted to still attend to my patients, especially my rehab-in patients. They were the ones who truly got attached to me. Imagining being confined in a hospital for so long, with not much to do, ailing from pain… it’s dull, boring..it’s sad. And I would not take away that one treatment session that I could provide them with at least a functional thing to do. I could never forget how grateful my one bedside patient that he finally gets to receive OT treatment. “Yes! May OT narin ako!”, he said. It’s really touching to see him how enthusiastic he is with the little things I do…that is why I’m more than willing to help him in any way I can. My friends were even kidding me by saying, “Naku, baka magselos na si albert niyan!” Hahaha! These are just one of the cases where I get to appreciate more my role as an OT…that I get to be thankful that I am an OT.
Waaahh… anyway, not that I am not at all worried about my grade in Ward5.. I am! It’s just that…often times, my obsessive-compulsiveness and perfectionist-idealist nature get in the way that I want everything in place and done accordingly ALL THE TIME! Sometimes, it’s just not possible. Now, I’m haggard, stressed and…partly bargaining with my hours of sleep.. It’s hard ‘coz half of my life I spend with my travel time to and from manila. Hahaha!

Love, love, love…it always gets too complicated…

Well, I could say that I am happy with my status in love as of the moment. I am contented and happy. Though sometimes, when I do a lot of things, it is the aspect of my life that gets compromised first. Nonetheless, I’m trying to make both ends meet. I’ve been constantly struggling to manage my time well to make sure that my responsibilities as a daughter, as a student, as a friend, and as a girlfriend gets all fulfilled.
One time, I greeted my ex in advance for his upcoming birthday and I can’t believe how thankful he is that I first greeted him. Haha, it’s funny.. He was also the very first to greet me during my last birthday. He even complimented me with how beautiful I am in my photos in Friendster. Then he asked me, if ever I cried because of him.. I just answered, “yes, perhaps because I never expected that everything would turn out that way..” Then again, he’s constantly saying sorry for everything he has done and was not able to do for me before.. He also said that he regrets what happened to us..that it didn’t work out well. I even joked by saying, “why would you be? You even told me you never loved me.” And he replied with, “Oh, did I say that? Maybe I was just so messed up that time.. I miss how everything were before…If only it could happen again.. but, that’s life. Hehe..” I don’t know how I’m going to react then. I’d lie if I say I don’t miss him and how everything were before. But just as he said, so much has changed now. I can no longer sing to him whenever he’d ask me to sing to him over the phone. I can no longer talk with him over the phone for hours just like before. I can no longer see him or be with him… I just wish that he’s at least happy with his life now, especially when the day of his birthday comes. We are bestfriends anyway. We promised to never cease to care for each other. After all, he’s my first love. =) But I love my boyfriend now more than anything else, and I would never hurt him in any way. He deserves the best. =)