Silhouette of Time
By Moonlight Butterfly
Life, for all I can remember, has never been bitter to anyone. Live your life to the fullest, they say, because nothing really lasts forever. And so life slowly fades away as the sand pours down the bottom of the hourglass. That’s when the thought of trying to make every minute of my life worth the while came up to me, especially when I found out about my sickness.
“The stage of your cancer of the liver progressed. I’m sorry to say but you only have twenty-four hours to live. .” I almost crashed down in astonishment when I heard the doctor spoke. I could hardly believe that that is all that was left to me and that I only have twenty-four hours to spend in my life. I have gotten so pale and slender since I got ill and it has been very difficult for me and for my family to accept the news. But it’s no use dwelling in the depths of fear in facing reality. I only have a day to live and that is all, and I wont waste it. I promised myself not to die without having been able to accomplish all of my goals in life, all of my dreams that I’ve been trying to pursue and all the things I still want to do. The next day would be the end of it all and I want to brave.
I woke up this day at exactly six o’clock in the morning. After going to the hospital and being able to hear that dreaded news, the first thing that I wanted to do was to visit our church. I requested for my family’s company as we listened to the holy mass. Entering the church was truly a different feeling. It was really a great help. I felt lighter, as if another minute has been added to my countdown timer. All this time I’ve been searching for that something missing in my life without knowing that it is Him that I’ve forgotten all along.
I felt so happy coming back to Him. By tomorrow I will leave and I will be with Him forever. And I couldn’t help myself but cry for everything that I am going to miss. I am going to miss my family, my relatives and my friends. As much as I don’t want them to see me go, all we have to do is to be stronger and to at least try to smile amidst the pain. I’ve been with my parents for so long and I never felt so near to them and so in love with them as today. They were my priceless treasures that I will keep wherever I go.
The mass ended at almost nine o’clock and I found myself taking the last embrace of my family – my mother, my father, my brothers and sisters. It all seemed solemn. After that, we went back home where my friends had gathered up to see me. They were all there. My buddies back in high school, my friends in college and even some close friends I had during my grade school. They were all there waiting for me. Delighted, I hurried off to kiss them and hug them one by one. The laughter is back, those some tears and worries got in the way; all of us exerted some effort not to show the weakness of the situation. How sad it is to realize that you only know the ones who really care for you right when you have no time left to show them how you care in return. And isn’t it sad to know that everything you had wished for all your life only comes because you are going to die soon. People will only see you and appreciate you when you’ve banished already. That’s what life is. That is reality.
After eating lunch together, my friends and I watched my favorite movie in my room and it was fun. Afterwards, they shared their wishes for me. They voiced out what they feel about me and how they wish they could still see me tomorrow. How sweet of them to think of me during this crucial moment of my life though I know they wouldn’t even bother to see me if I had been okay. But I’m grateful of it then. They left at five o’clock in the afternoon. After that, I began arranging my special belongings. I took out our family picture because I wanted to hold it until the very last breath run out of me. I also pulled out some things from my drawer, which I wanted to hand out to my family and friends. Some of which are my clothes, the disk containing the collection of my favorite songs, all of my literary works – poems, novels, short stories which I requested my parents to have it published, and the letters from the people that I love that I still keep in a special box that I want to be read on my funeral.
When I finished sorting out all of the things I want to be done before I pass away, I saw the phone at the side of my bed and an idea came up to me. There is still someone that I am hoping to talk with even for the last time so I phoned my old friend, the only man that I loved in my whole life. He was home and we talked for almost an hour. I’m glad that he has no idea of what is going on with me right now and of what is going to happen to me tomorrow so I managed to talk with him casually and at ease as I did before. I know he had been very surprised when I told him how much I love him but it’s the only time I know to finally admit it to him and there will be no other time. He has been the only person I had loved so dearly besides my family and I’ve been a coward not to tell him so, letting so many years passed by without him knowing about it. We have been very close friends and I don’t want to lose it just like that by saying something I know would prove so wrong because he loves someone else. And yet, it was the only right I’ve known. Loving him was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. And as much as I have feared the thought of losing him but now, I’m losing him. Only, it was I that will go. I hung up leaving a trail of questions of which I cannot answer anymore. It was too excruciating for me that I can’t help but cry.
My mother called for me at eight o’clock in the evening and I met her at the foot of the stairs, teary-eyed. I can’t take the look of it, leaving all those people I had loved. I asked my mom and dad not to cry when I’m finally gone because where I am going is so much like a home where I will be happy through eternity. I would never really leave, I would only remain in the hearts of the people I cared for reminding them of the memories we had together. And so I said my farewell to my family and bade them goodbye. They wanted to hold my hands until the very last minute but I refused. I don’t want anyone of them to see me die instead I want to leave them with the thought that I had just gone off to sleep. I want to spend the remaining time, alone, reminiscing all that has happened and everything that I’ve done in my life. Now, it was almost time to leave, one last hour before the call of departure.
I went up to my room and stared outside my window to see the world, the world that I would trade for life in heaven, and the world I once been part of, the world that helped me become who I am today. Now, I’m spending the remaining hour of my life writing all this for the people I love to read before the moment arrive. This one moment in my life that is about to come when I will finally meet the silhouette of time.