Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

it's getting more and more difficult each time..it's as if i missed something, and now i'm losing everything..i can no longer function well....my time management sucks...myself sucks..

these past few days i've been eating a lot..been sleeping a lot...i was asking myself..am i stressed? darn...hold on anne...few to go and you're through... not now... not just now... so succumbed with anhedonia...i can no longer pull myself through..i can't think right..start with my day right...start with my work right..

Earlier this day, as usual, i woke up early, got on the bus early hoping to catch up on time with my 8am duty at our school clinic. I was constantly thinking then, what if i get involved in a crash? i would at least have a break. what more fascinating could it get than having to stay all day without ever thinking of anything or doing anything at all.. unfortunately enough, it came true. The bus that i am currently riding to school hit another car by accident..bad thing it belongs to the cops..but our driver is on the right lane! so there we had to pull over..as they talk things through..but i don't know..as people get down from the bus one by one, i was literally stuck on my seat and i was there..30 minutes still before my class, and i didn't even bother to get up. i just let things flow..and i went with the flow..blunted affect...anhedonic...1 hour has lapsed still...and another 30 minutes more...funny how the other teenagers on the bus that remained just took pictures instead. Another 30 minutes, the talk was over, the whole thing was resolved at the police station, and our bus was back on the road. After i reached my destination, i got down the bus, bought some food, and hurried off to another bus that would take me home. I no longer wanted to go to school.. what's the point? I was more than 1 hour late and it's considered absent even...really, what's the use? I admit, i wanted everything that happened. I wanted to let time lapse..i wanted not being able to attend my duty for the day, which is by the way equivalent to 2 more days of make up duties. I don't know... it's just that...i'm not myself lately...and i hate the way it is.. but i just can't do anything about it..

i'm just..tired of everything.... i would appreciate putting a halt to it all....... and i was asking myself, would it be better if i no longer wake up from sleep one day? i guess everything would be better......

*year-ender post about looking back and all.. ngaun ko lng uli magagawa to eh, ehehhe

Guy 2002-2004

my first love, heheh.. how could i forget ba. Though i doubt if nalaman mo until now na ikaw nga ang first love ko, oo ikaw nga! I bet masshock ka... we used to be buds back then,, very very close friends... naalala mo ba how people would used to joke about us? and kung papaano miski ako pinagselosan ng gurl na nililigawan mo? Love mo ang friend ko. Alam mo nman na crush ko ang bestfriend mo, pero ang totoo love kita.. hehehe.. ikaw ang first dance ko sa prom...longest conversation ko sa phone....at naalala mo ba nung nagtapat ka na "yata" saken in the middle of Filipino class at ang tanging nasabi ko lang ay, "oh?" hehehe..kahit na madalas kang nagpaparamdam about the possibility na maging tayo, hindi ko inisip yon..ayokong isipin kc iba ang alam kong mahal mo.. hindi ko makakalimutan yung pagtambay natin sa labas ng physics, nakakatawa kc nagkukwento ka nun tungkol sa favorite mong Kill Bill with matching sound effects., sa sobrang engaged naten sa ginagawa naten ndi naten namalayan na nagsisimula n pla ang class at wla man lng tumawag saten sa labas para papasukin tau s classroom. hahah! Dati binabasa mo pa saken sa phone ang laman ng card na ibibigay mo sa nililigawan mo...at kung gaano ko gusto umiyak nung tumawag ka saken, umiiyak dahil binasted ka ulit niya...sa loob-loob ko.. kung ako na lang sana... *haha! kanta yun diba* kamuka mo pa yung bidang lalake dun,=p at yung personalized card na binigay ko sau? na may drawing ko pa ng mukha mo? lam mo bng gnwa ko yun nung bakasyon..habang iniisip lang kita...=p hehehe...nweiz, namimiss kc kita. Gusto ko lng mgpasalamat sa lahat..sa friendship...sa pagtawag saken kpg tinetxt kta at 12 o'clock kpag ndi ako mktulog..sa paniniwla saken nung nasangkot ako sa isyu na binabadmouth ko yung crush mo..sobrang saya ko kc ako yung pinaniwalaan mo... basta, im happy kc ikaw ang naging first ideal guy ko. At hindi mo lng alam gaano kita minahal at iniyakan nun. Heheh! Oh heck, basta, thanks for the memories! ^^,

Guy 2004-2007

hmpf, wla lng..hehehe..khit na hanggang ngaun hinahabol parin ako ng mga nagulo mo ang buhay dahil..anlabo mo kc! ang nagustuhan ko lng sau eh yung khit bad guy ang porma mo,, sweet guy and sentimental ka pla beneath.. masaya ako na naging honest ka saken all through out..honesty in a sense na hindi mo na nga ata alam magsinungaling para hindi nmn ako masaktan, hehehe.. hndi ko iniisip na niloko mko..pakiramdam ko kc, problema mo na talaga yan, heheh kaya wish ko sau dis xmas ay mahanap mo na sya...yung totoong siya, yung makakapagpasaya sau at hindi mo pagsasawaang mahalin..alam mo namang yun yung gusto ko para sau ever since diba? pero skbla ng lhat, may pinagsamahan parin nmn tau..malilimutan ko b nmn ang first serious bf ko? for the first time i planned na hindi na maglaro at magseryoso.. ikaw ang first hug ko, first date, first ka-holding hands, sau ako naniwala noon na posible pala ang "love at first sight"..hehehe! ang cute mo kc, kalog at vain! pero hindi ko malilimutan nun ay kung gaano tau ka-open sa isa't-isa nun, na miski kalokohan at weird na bagay napag-uusapan naten..pati ba nmn yung different types of kiss? hahah! kaya lng hindi na matutuloy ang plans naten...si baby ashley.. marriage at 27...work abroad etc.. nweiz,, we're like best buds diba? until now. Kaya im thankful anyhow,, na takbuhan mo parin ako kapag malungkot ka, alone at namimiss mko.. na kapag kausap mko feeling ko ako ang prettiest girl sa mundo sa sweetness at compliments mo...at ikaw ang number one fan ko sa aking career sa pagkanta! hehehe muntik na taung makabuo ng banda eh,, ikaw ang bassist at drummer, ako ang vocalist (yuck, hehe)..pero kilig kpag tinutugtugan at kinakantahan mko sa fone...tatawag ka dhil wla lng namiss mo ko, yung voice ko..na ikaw narin ang ngsbing wlang katulad sa lhat ng naging gf mo...hehehe...kaya nasaktan man ako b4 dhil minahal kita ng sobra.... hindi nman ako ngstop mahalin ka. Mahal parin kita...as a friend na nga lng.

*special guy in between (July-January..)

hmm... ikaw ang unang nagmulat (yuck ang lalim) saken sa mundo kung saan nageexist pla ang ideal guy, ideal love..at mala-high school na tipo ng ligawan etc. hahaha!! sa lahat ng guys na nanligaw saken, ikaw lang yata yung nagbigay sken ng gifts in a unique way...origami...butterflies...lego blocks..letters and poems... ang cute! at ang romantic mo nga... naalala ko kung gaano ako niloloko ng mga blockmates ko na, "andaya mo! lahat nlng ng ok na guy nagkakagusto sau!" nweiz,, ndi ko nmn ineexpect na mangyayari un..na magiging close tau...saka..hindi tau pwede dahil meron ka...meron din ako nun... basta, hindi ko lng makakalimutan yung mga personalized poems na lgi mong "patagong" binibigay saken dhil bka may makakitang clasm8s naten at maisyu tau..sa pagtetext mo saken in the middle of the class pra lng sbhing ang ganda ng aus ko.. sa pagbibitbit ng mabibigat kong gamit kpg ngkakasabay tau s pgtwid sa faura...sa pagtitinginan naten sa lib...sa pagkakaroon naten ng "sariling mundo" kaya niloloko tau lgi ng groupm8s naten.. sa pagtatampo mo dhil tinulugan kita pagmagkatext tau... sa pagmimiscol mo pra lng mgparamdam na andyan k lng s tbi-tbi...sa pagdamay saken sa mga problema ko...sa pagiging ideal guy ko.... salamat sa lahat...sa pagiging super caring na kuya"....thanks..lab na lab kita!

Guy 2007-present

heheh...ano nga bang masasabi ko dito sa guy nato..well, siya ang present bf ko... hmm..napansin ko lang,..lahat pla ng naging love ko ay almost 3 years nagtagal...pero sana si love ko ngaun ay hindi lng 3 years magtagal..sana magtagal pa kami ng as in uber tagal..heheh.. etong guy nato, sa totoo lng, hindi ko maimagine dati na magkakagusto ako sa kanya at na magiging kmi.. Madalas naiinis ako sknya kc "ano ba nmn to, gusto nia lagi kming sbay umuwi o pumasok..lagi nagtetext...may gusto daw sya saken pero prng wla nmn..ayoko nga sknya, ang chubby chubby pa..".. hehehe!..akalain mong bumaliktad ang mundo. Siya yung opposite ata ng ideal guy ko na long hair, maputi, matangkad, sporty, singkit at average built. Although singkit nmn sya, hehehe..pero cute din nmn. Pero dhil love ko na siya ngaun, wla eh..may something tlga dun sa red na dot na nasa noo nia (siopao) hahaha!! Basta ang nagustuhan ko sa guy nato,, super sweet at malambing, at napakagentleman..corny, oo proven na yan..at dhil ok n ok nmn sya s family and friends ko.. ok na ok din sya for me. I love the way kung papaano niya ko pinapatawa parati,, kung paano nia pinaparamdam na special ako in his own little ways..kung papano nagiging unpredictable ang takbo ng relationship namen dhil sa kanyang mga surprises...at kung papano...smooth sailing lang ang lahat, na sana wla na kaming maging problema...=)
5 months have lapsed....at sana, marami pa kaming memories na mabuild! yey!

**next tym ulet, sakit na daliri ko ;p (parang linya niya to ah,, bully!**

Lyrics: UMBRELLA
(performed by Mandy Moore)

You had my heart
We'll never be worlds apart
They be in magazines, but you'll still be my star
Baby 'cause in the dark you can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share because

When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more then ever know that we'll still have

eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey ey ey ey)

These ... things
will never come in between
You're apart of my entity
Here for infinity
When the war has delt it's part
When the world has delt it's card
If the hand is hard
together we'll mend your heart because

When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more then ever know that we'll still have

eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey ey ey ey)

You can run into my arms
It's okay, don't be alarmed
Come into me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more because

When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more then ever know that we'll still have

eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey)
Under my umbrella (ella ella ey ey ey ey ey ey)


>>theme song namin ni 'love' ko..=) <<


                                                       

**update daw para kay mamy elle..heheh..well, so far ok naman ako, happy these past few days kahit na toxic at ngarag sa mga paperworks, thesis, exams, at kung anu-ano pang requirements...at ang masaklap pa nito, wala kaming sembreak, huhuhu....(>_<)

haay, septemeber na naman...it's one of these months na I so vividly recall last years' chains of events..yung mga ber months din of the past year yung sobrang naging one of the stressful ones for me...i don't know, bakit ko pa nga ba binabalikan pa yung past...siguro as a sort of self-assessment? a bunch of self-realizations... grabe, it's been a year narin pala....ang bilis, and in the next couple and more days i'd be one year older...hmpf. hahaha! Well, as I recall, ito din yung month before na sobrang ang labo ko. Magkaron ka ba naman ng malabong bf before, hehehe., and i admit sobrang i've not been a good gf. May bf ako nun and at the same time, i'm also in love with someone else, and i'm still entertaining a couple of suitors or so.. hahaha! Mean! empre, when a girl is not satisfied with one thing she seeks another diba, hindi lang yun nag-aaply sa boys!=p Right now nga, the tables have turned. My ex is wanting to see me again...well, maybe someday I might have the time to think it over but for now...there's just not enough room for old time's trash. Like I always say, "I never believed in second chances".

Time has changed. Now i'm currently in a relationship, again, and i would have to say...this is one of the 'serious' ones i had.=) I once told myself na i'd wait for my 'love' (the name i'd call my future husband), and I wonder why I call my boyfriend now that way...hehehe..I love him naman eh, as in so much. It's weird kc nasanay nakong parati ko syang kasama kaya when I go home alone...ang weird na, parang may kulang, rather, hindi nako sanay...heheheh.. may nadiscover akong another weird thing about boys...ganun na ba sila ngayon? pag may bf ang girl lalo silang mangungulit? ang odd.. I know some boys na parati na lang kakamustahin ang status namin ng bf ko as if hinihintay nila na magbreak kami., hmpf ang bad. One suitor I had before, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganun siya ka-persistent that he even told me, "kahit sagutin mo at maging kayo na ni *toot*, maghihintay parin ako., pag nagbreak kayo manliligaw ulit ako sayo"... shet, it's so annoying talaga. Spells out to me like "desperado". Hahaha..ewan ko ba, andami ko na yatang naencounter na iba't-ibang kulay ng boys and sobrang, most of them, are disappointing talaga. Kaya siguro people often say na i'm too picky with boys. Hindi naman..Hindi rin naman ako perfectionist or idealist, i just don't want to end up with a crappy one., what I hate the most is having to regret in the future one thing I've done in the past..

Now, I'm so happy with the choice I made. I got the perfect man, and I'm sticking with him for long...=)

IM HAPPY NOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!

**well, it's been a while since I last posted in my blog, hehe.. for the record a lot of nice things happened to me these past few days and now I couldn't be more relieved. I'll go through it one by one..

Volunteer Work as a Therapist

While I'm on vacation, I was constantly checking on something productive to do until I've decided to pursue this 'volunteering' stuff as an occupational therapist in Therapy Works in Parañaque and Ables Center in Makati. On Thursdays I go to T-works where I was able to assist in a group session of toddlers for a school hardening class, and of which I was able to follow through. First, we had a bunch of school-related tasks, then we do mural paintings, dancing and cooking. So far, I can say it's a pretty nice training in preparation for internship this coming semester. I was really fuzzy about internship for reasons that: we don't know our assignment of rotations yet - whether I'd start off at Ward 5 or Ward 7 in PGH, at Clinic for Therapy Services - pedia/adult section in our school ground, or Community-based Rehabilitation at San Mateo, Rizal. And I'm not so sure whether we're going to have rotations in ELKS or PCPI and NCMH. And boy, am I not reading any of my notes! Well..not yet.=)
On Saturdays, however, I go to Ables Center in Makati to assist in the group sessions in community integration. It differs from that in T-works in that in T-works, it's more of academic and school-based stuff. Most of the kids' problems are in terms of social interaction, work behaviors (waiting in turn, paying attention etc.) so what we do is more of behavioral modifications, social skills training and working in groups. In Ables, on the other hand, our concern is more of the child's transitioning from a classroom setting to the wider community per se. It's interesting not just because we get to go to Salcedo Park, Rockwell, Manila Zoo or La Mesa Eco Park, it's interesting in the sense that, of course, children with developmental delay and behavioral problems would encounter difficulties in facing the real world outside. Our main concerns would be socialization, appropriate behaviors corresponding certain situations, safety awareness and basically, being more comfortable in engaging in activities in a variety of settings portraying consistent set of behaviors. I really really enjoy doing OT works, yeah! Hehe.. though I know, surely, it's not as easy as it looks...oh yeah, the dreaded paper works (eval, treatment plan, running notes, re-evals, progress notes, SOAP notes etc etc) and you got to have that creative mind to come up with a number of activities that would target specific skills and problem areas of a particular client! Anyways, most of the cases that I was just able to deal with during my volunteer works are Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Autism, Speech delays, Global Developmental Delay, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Down Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy and some clients with poor socialization skills. ::sigh:: I wish there are also clinics or hospitals who looks for volunteers to work in a Phys-Dys or adult setting..I would want to sharpen my skills and enhance my knowledge in dealing with stroke patients, mentally-disabled, SCI patients and others. I also want to master splinting!!! Darn, I badly need to practice and practice working with thermoplastics if only given an opportunity so.

Removals, oh la la

Yay! Yay! Well, that's all that I can say about it. Hehe..though I admit, it's still traumatic for me to have gotten into the point of taking a removal exam but I was just glad that it's finally over and, I passed! ::sigh:: Now, it would no longer haunt me..gah, those sleepless nights (T_T) heheh. I'm just so happy! I feel great about it!

About my dad..

Well, relatively he's been okay these past few days. He's continuing his medications, mainly for maintenance, and he has his regular check-ups and monitoring of ECG. Although there would still be at times that he would suffer from angina, now he's more functional and a lot better than he previously was. ^_^
However, it is I who has been having problems with my health lately., I don't know, occasionally I still suffer from the consequences of my anemia. Like one time while I was riding in the bus home bound, again, I fainted. It was really embarassing but at the same time...heart-felt, to see all those people around you who are total strangers, to actually care for you a whole lot. I just can't imagine why it has to happen again..I've been consistent with taking my Iron supplements and multivitamins.. anyway, maybe I just got really tired on that day. Well, I easily get tired and I easily get dizzy or suffer from orthostatic hypotension. It's just that on that day I am damn tired. I also had a volunteer work at T-works on that day and I was literally submerged in the pool for almost a day for our aqua therapy. It's doubly tiring, you know, performing therapy, games etc on the pool..plus the pool's a little extra cozy with warm water. It's solar-heated that's why.

Love - hold no more grudges

It's one of, I think, the major highlights of my vacation tale, hehe.. People keep telling me that I had the most colorful and rollercoaster love life. Well..I couldn't agree more. My friends are actually surprised when I told them I've finally forgiven him. Knowing what he did to me, "grabe sobrang bait mo.." they'd say. Okay, so he cheated on me with two other girls which I found out only after our breakup had not the other girl sent me an email. I was hurt at first, definitely, but surprisingly, I got over it. What's more surprising is that, the other girl and I eventually got along well. I hold no grudges anymore. I've given up 'plotting for revenge' what-not. First: what's the point? Okay, so I get even, then what? Second: no matter what I do, the truth remains that...the guy whom I once loved with all my life loves somebody else now and there's nothing I could do to change that. While we were talking back then I told him, "you must have really loved her to decide to change for the better" and then he answered, "I love her". Painful, yes it is, to actually hear it straight from him. Hearing him say to me "sobrang bait mo, wala kang katulad..you deserve someone better.." - I've heard it from a lot of people already, but to actually hear him speak those words, it's different. It just feels different. But reality does hurt and I've had enough of the hurts already. And it didn't do me any good. Instead, it has transformed me into someone whom I've never known - someone dark, twisty, mean and...I was never really that mean. I'm not at all bad. And I would never want to become one any time soon or ever. My ex apologized, I forgave him. I apologized to his gf and I was hoping she'd forgive me too, for every bad thing I've said about her. I shouldn't have said those things, I mean, being hurt no matter how bad it is, still doesn't make up for an excuse to do any harm to other people. After all, she doesn't have any fault. I wanted to set things right and I know, the only way for me to feel better is to let go of the anger, to let go of the grudge. True enough, I feel much much better now. I could say, I've really accepted everything, how things are and I've finally moved on. Sabi ko nga sa ex ko, "mahalin mo yung gf mo ngaun, she's a wonderful person and you're lucky to have her..", that's the only thing he could do to finally make it up for all the hurt he has caused me. I hope he really did change now as he was telling me. Whenever I get to talk with him, or anyone connected to him, I just don't feel anything anymore...hurt, anger, sadness...all of a sudden, they are all gone. Perhaps, part of the reason is because, a lot of people is helping me to heal myself. And someone has actually helped me to feel better about myself, to feel stronger and to realize all of my mistakes. After all, I'm in the grown-ups' world now. No room for childish stuff. I have a lot of things, far more important things to focus on and accomplish. I simply have a lot of things in mind that I am wanting to do.

Now I'm out of the shell once more, this time, different, more matured.. a better person and.....happy.

haay...what can I say... this past few days i've been like what, stressed out. burned out. and worse, i've been missing him so bad!!!!!!!!

i know.. katangahan na after all this time to even think about everything that happened.. and in such a very wrong timing in my life... ngayon pang wala akong tulog, ngarag ako sa exams, fieldworks sa malalayoooonnnngggggg lugar! putek, ang hirap mag-aral!

when my blockmate, days after our "break up", confronted me surprisingly.. "huwaat!!?? wala na kayo??? ok ka lang?"

most of them were really shocked to know for reasons: una, bago pa lang kami. 2nd, it was on valentine's day. 3rd, i acted as if it was all nothing to me and that i wasn't even affected at all.. haay, if they only saw how badly I cried back then at the cr... and 4th, they saw us and thought we were really happy as a couple, na para bang hindi kami magkakaproblema...

it's kind of funny, really... what do they expect me to say? "O, of course i'm ok! why wouldn't i be??" but then, I could only lie to others as much as I want to, but never to myself..

i miss him.. i miss him too, just as he'd been telling me that he misses me..and we miss what we used to have in the past... how come everything's just so complicated!

I miss our kulitan days... how he laughs over the phone when we talk like I was the only person in the world who could make him happy...

Everyone knows i've moved on, that i'm okay when in fact I really am not. Siguro kasi, nung nagbreak kami, naapakan yung ego ko nung natuluyan na talaga at hindi na nagawan ng paraan.. masakit, sobra as in.

i want to see him again...at least to figure out what this feeling that I have for him now..of what has been left..

as of now, we're friends. as in, we're very good friends that it almost seems as if we're better off this way..then again, i cannot deny to myself that this guy, whom I am calling a friend, was that guy whom I loved so much..and im afraid I love still..

marami ng nagbago....marami ng nag-iba...................... 

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(...patayin kaya ako ng baby ko nito, eheheh...)

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