Sentiments of Moonlight Butterfly

Ginawa niya na naman. Ang nakikita ko ngayon ay madilim pa sa nakasanayan. Ang makakita, makapagtype sa harap ng pc, huminga….lahat parang ang hirap hirap gawin. Kanina tinitingnan na naman ako ng maraming tao ngunit hindi katulad ng karaniwan ko ng nararanasan…dahil ba nakashades ako ng black gayong makulimlim naman? Naisip ko, bagay pala sa akin ang magshades. Dahil hindi nila halos napansin ang mugto kong mga mata. Nakakatawa. Hanggang ngayon nga nangangatog pako. Ngayon ko lang naranasan sa buong buhay ko na wala ako halos maramdaman. Na miski ang sarili kong katawan hindi ko maramdaman, at para akong nakalutang sa daan habang naglalakad. Iniisip ko kung epekto lang ba ito ng shades kaya bigla akong nagkaron ng problema sa depth perception ko at ang hirap estimahin ng distansya ng bawat yapak ko. Parang katulad niya…ang hirap parin timplahin. Sa tagal na panahon na kasama ko siya… Mabait kung mabait. Ngunit kapag galit na…hindi ko na siya halos makilala. At katulad ng dati, eto na naman… naisip ko, hindi ko parin kaya. Ang hirap parin magsalita. Sa matagal na panahon…ang hirap maintindihan ka ng iba. Hindi makalabas yung totoong ikaw..hindi mo masabi o maipahayag yung gusto mo.. at kahit na ganon, siya parin naman ang inisip ko ah. Nung dali-dali akong umakyat ng kwarto at nagkulong ng sarili…ano kaya kung hindi ko binuksan yon. Ano kaya kung hindi ko na binuksan… Sa wakas, malalaman kaya nila na eto na yung panahon para ako naman yung pakinggan? Napakagandang tingnan ng maliliit na piraso ng salamin na basag… Kumikislap.. parang maliliit na bituin na gusto kong hagkan… Hindi ko alam kung ano yung nabasag. Basta ang alam ko, napakasarap pakinggan ang tunog ‘non. Pero… parati na lang ako yung mali. Nakakapagod na. Tapos ngayon, heto siya, yayakapin ako ng mahigpit at hihingi ng tawad. Ngayon, ilang oras na ang nakalipas…parang walang nangyari para sa kanila…pero para sa akin, hanggang ngayon… ang hirap parin huminga. Ang hirap parin magsalita. Hindi ako makalingon para tumingin sa iba pang bagay na nasa paligid. Hindi ako makapag-isip. At hindi ko parin maramdaman ang aking sarili… Hindi ba niya nakikita na…sa bawat pangyayari…mabababaw na mga pangyayaring katulad nito..ay unti-unti akong napapalayo sa kanya…hindi niya nalalaman kung papaano ako nababago ng mga ganitong pangyayari na kahit anong materyal na bagay ang ibigay niya bilang kapalit… hinding-hindi nito matutumbasan ang mga sugat na nagawa niya sa akin. Mga imortal na sugat na sa paglipas ng panahon ay hindi pa lubusang humihilom at napapatungan pa ng mga panibagong sugat sa aking pagkatao. Pero ang lahat ng ito’y hindi ko maramdaman. Malapit ko na tuloy pagdudahan kung…. Totoo ba ako? Dahil sa kabila ng lahat, eto parin ako…patuloy na naghahanap ng kakampi…ng taong magpapakita sa akin ng totoong halaga ko, at magpaparamdam sa akin na kahit papaano…kahit minsan…tama rin ako.



*for the record, nabawasan na naman ang lifeline ko. Heheheh., okay nailabas ko na ang sama ng loob ko. OK nako. ;)

haay...ang sarap ng hangin...ang lamig.. kapag mga ganitong panahon ginaganahan ako lalong magsulat...

I miss writing now these days... when I was cleaning my room earlier this day, I stumbled with my previous literary works – stories, poems, quotes, musings to name a few… I realized I have not been writing three years now! That’s when I begin to realize that as time goes by, some things really has to go… I don’t want to let go of writing, or doing anything that I had previously been doing, but now…there’s hardly enough time. It seems like, time is really running out for me. If there could only be more time for me to do the things I want to do without having to get all cranked up, messed up.. I hate cramming my life. I have always hated the idea that I would have to do something, but the quality gets compromised just because I have a deadline to follow. I hate how my life’s slowly becoming clock-driven.. Now, just to be able to do one thing, something else has to be compromised, overlooked, or worse, neglected. Slowly, I’m turning out to be delinquent. Not that I wanted to be one. Sometimes, it all just fall into place.

I miss my old buddies…

Yesterday morning, Jade, one of my closest high school pals texted me with a very unusual news. She was so bothered with this dream that’s why the instant she woke up, she sent me a message asking how I’ve been doing lately. Actually, I didn’t quite know how to react then. Not that the news is nothing new to me, or is it true, but it’s really no big deal to me. She said that she dreamed that I was terribly sick, that I have a leukemia, and I was dying… Weird but I wasn’t at all surprised. I just told her then not to worry because I am perfectly fine and healthy, even if I’m not getting enough sleep lately. I’m definitely in good shape and still functioning well.=) I was deeply touched then, how worried she really was, even if it was just a dream. She used to be my closest pal back in high school…she was the one I met first and got along with first during my first year, when I had not been talking with anyone yet because I hardly know anybody then. We’re both shy and as they call it “maria claras” back then. I wonder how we both have changed now.. he he. Darn, I miss her.. =p
Last night, still, I was talking with Joan about my present dilemma and…he he..it’s funny how she suddenly changes her views, and how her previous advices changes as compared to her opinions regarding that matter now.. I couldn’t post it yet here in my blog…perhaps, someday, I could be more at ease to talk about it once I finally resolved it. It’s something only I and Joan know as of the moment.. And later this afternoon, she’s dropping by to visit, well.. to talk about it…and to talk about so many things! We haven’t seen nor heard of each other for long and, darn, how I miss her so bad as well! =)

At home with Ward 5…

I don’t know how my fellow blockmates are going to react regarding the heading of this article, he he. Perhaps they’re going to react sarcastically or probably, astonished. Partly because, Ward5 is our most toxic rotation in internship and a lot of people have been failing in this affiliation center. It’s just that, I’ve been enjoying doing patient care in a hospital setting, and I especially enjoy doing bedside treatments at the ward. I don’t care how many demerits I get, I’m more concerned with the quality of patient care I provide with my patients. Last Monday I arrived almost 1 hour late just because of the deadliest traffic I encountered in zapote throughout my entire college life! I was literally stuck in one place for 2 hours! From what I’ve heard, the reason for it was because an airconditioned bus (I would not mention the name) fell out of the ply-over and literally turned upside down. A lot of people died due to that incident. The bus blocked the way, it took hours before it got finally removed and the traffic restored to its normal flow. It was even heart-felt when I got home that day with my dad so worried that I might have been involved in the tragedy. I left the house that day at 5:30am and it was a good thing even that I got late then, because the big crash happened at five in the morning. Going back…it’s just sad that I arrived at ward 5 late. It was considered absent even. I was thankful anyhow that my 9am patient didn’t arrive. Anyway, I had already endorsed him to one of my colleagues in case he arrives. I was just unable to inform the center that I’m going to be late because I was never really aware that I’m going to be late until I was stuck in the heavy traffic and heard of the accident from my boyfriend. So there… My co-interns even told me, “kung ako ikaw hindi na lang sana ako pumasok, absent narin naman ako” I just said jokingly, “bakit ba, eh gusto ko pumasok eh” hehehe. The truth is, I really wanted to still attend to my patients, especially my rehab-in patients. They were the ones who truly got attached to me. Imagining being confined in a hospital for so long, with not much to do, ailing from pain… it’s dull, boring..it’s sad. And I would not take away that one treatment session that I could provide them with at least a functional thing to do. I could never forget how grateful my one bedside patient that he finally gets to receive OT treatment. “Yes! May OT narin ako!”, he said. It’s really touching to see him how enthusiastic he is with the little things I do…that is why I’m more than willing to help him in any way I can. My friends were even kidding me by saying, “Naku, baka magselos na si albert niyan!” Hahaha! These are just one of the cases where I get to appreciate more my role as an OT…that I get to be thankful that I am an OT.
Waaahh… anyway, not that I am not at all worried about my grade in Ward5.. I am! It’s just that…often times, my obsessive-compulsiveness and perfectionist-idealist nature get in the way that I want everything in place and done accordingly ALL THE TIME! Sometimes, it’s just not possible. Now, I’m haggard, stressed and…partly bargaining with my hours of sleep.. It’s hard ‘coz half of my life I spend with my travel time to and from manila. Hahaha!

Love, love, love…it always gets too complicated…

Well, I could say that I am happy with my status in love as of the moment. I am contented and happy. Though sometimes, when I do a lot of things, it is the aspect of my life that gets compromised first. Nonetheless, I’m trying to make both ends meet. I’ve been constantly struggling to manage my time well to make sure that my responsibilities as a daughter, as a student, as a friend, and as a girlfriend gets all fulfilled.
One time, I greeted my ex in advance for his upcoming birthday and I can’t believe how thankful he is that I first greeted him. Haha, it’s funny.. He was also the very first to greet me during my last birthday. He even complimented me with how beautiful I am in my photos in Friendster. Then he asked me, if ever I cried because of him.. I just answered, “yes, perhaps because I never expected that everything would turn out that way..” Then again, he’s constantly saying sorry for everything he has done and was not able to do for me before.. He also said that he regrets what happened to us..that it didn’t work out well. I even joked by saying, “why would you be? You even told me you never loved me.” And he replied with, “Oh, did I say that? Maybe I was just so messed up that time.. I miss how everything were before…If only it could happen again.. but, that’s life. Hehe..” I don’t know how I’m going to react then. I’d lie if I say I don’t miss him and how everything were before. But just as he said, so much has changed now. I can no longer sing to him whenever he’d ask me to sing to him over the phone. I can no longer talk with him over the phone for hours just like before. I can no longer see him or be with him… I just wish that he’s at least happy with his life now, especially when the day of his birthday comes. We are bestfriends anyway. We promised to never cease to care for each other. After all, he’s my first love. =) But I love my boyfriend now more than anything else, and I would never hurt him in any way. He deserves the best. =)