I was riding my way home in a bus when all these mellow music kept playing on and on and on…

I was so desperately depressed….and sad…and tormented…

I would constantly ask God why I still can’t forget him and move on if he’s not for me after all, but then I’d hear Him speak from the back of my mind saying… “You have learned a valuable lesson dear child, but it is time for you now to go through your own life. Stop dwelling on the past for you are closing your heart to the person I have really sent for you after all…”
How I wish it is that easy to do…who am I kidding? If it was, I could have done it a long time ago… but here I am, thinking of the what-could-have-beens and stuck with a bunch of what-ifs……

I have long wanted to let go…but I so fear that by letting go of the rope of the past…I might just end up falling in a deeper, much colder and darker well…or hole…or a scary pit of which I would never know escape. Yes, I don’t know what trust is anymore…even to trust my own self is as well a hard thing for me to do.

Meanwhile, I’ve been receiving this bunch of “consistent” yet strange phone calls for like almost…five months already. The phone will ring twice or thrice and before I could even pick it up to answer…the line dies. Sometimes, I match up to his timing…I had raised the mouth piece but…gosh, he would never speak up! He’s just there…listening to my voice…probably half bursting into laughter for my silliness. He’s like that for so long, like everyday…and he does it 2 or 3 times a day…in similar fashion! I don’t know what his problem is…hmm…. I’m already suspecting that it is someone I know…I guess. But why won’t he talk??? Only a few people know my number so…who could it be?

Sometimes I wish that…it was him. But….nah! Silly thought, why would he even bother.

One thing is just clear to me right now…I miss him. I miss him sooooo muchhhhh!!!! It kills me. I know I’ll never love this much again…not when I have been loving him this much still. I even wonder for sometimes…what would happen if we see each other again? Will there be a difference? What would he feel? How would I feel? Will I feel the same kind of feeling I had for him before?…would I realize then that he’s not for me after all or would the feeling only grow stronger?

Perhaps the reason why I can’t give my heart yet to somebody else, to the many of guys out there waiting for me…is because until this very moment, I’m still holding on. I’m still waiting for him…somehow. I know it’s not good but…I have nothing else to do. I wouldn’t want to commit to someone whom I am not sure about my feelings yet. I would only hurt him…and that of all, is the least thing I would want to do…and that I would never even want to do.

I just want “him”, the only person I love, to be happy now…somehow, that’s all that I always pray for. Hey, maybe he’s happy now. It was only this foolish heart of mine that is so perplexed and torn. And yet, he’d always remain a special part of me…something that makes my life complete.