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Mystery caller...

I was riding my way home in a bus when all these mellow music kept playing on and on and on…

I was so desperately depressed….and sad…and tormented…

I would constantly ask God why I still can’t forget him and move on if he’s not for me after all, but then I’d hear Him speak from the back of my mind saying… “You have learned a valuable lesson dear child, but it is time for you now to go through your own life. Stop dwelling on the past for you are closing your heart to the person I have really sent for you after all…”
How I wish it is that easy to do…who am I kidding? If it was, I could have done it a long time ago… but here I am, thinking of the what-could-have-beens and stuck with a bunch of what-ifs……

I have long wanted to let go…but I so fear that by letting go of the rope of the past…I might just end up falling in a deeper, much colder and darker well…or hole…or a scary pit of which I would never know escape. Yes, I don’t know what trust is anymore…even to trust my own self is as well a hard thing for me to do.

Meanwhile, I’ve been receiving this bunch of “consistent” yet strange phone calls for like almost…five months already. The phone will ring twice or thrice and before I could even pick it up to answer…the line dies. Sometimes, I match up to his timing…I had raised the mouth piece but…gosh, he would never speak up! He’s just there…listening to my voice…probably half bursting into laughter for my silliness. He’s like that for so long, like everyday…and he does it 2 or 3 times a day…in similar fashion! I don’t know what his problem is…hmm…. I’m already suspecting that it is someone I know…I guess. But why won’t he talk??? Only a few people know my number so…who could it be?

Sometimes I wish that…it was him. But….nah! Silly thought, why would he even bother.

One thing is just clear to me right now…I miss him. I miss him sooooo muchhhhh!!!! It kills me. I know I’ll never love this much again…not when I have been loving him this much still. I even wonder for sometimes…what would happen if we see each other again? Will there be a difference? What would he feel? How would I feel? Will I feel the same kind of feeling I had for him before?…would I realize then that he’s not for me after all or would the feeling only grow stronger?

Perhaps the reason why I can’t give my heart yet to somebody else, to the many of guys out there waiting for me…is because until this very moment, I’m still holding on. I’m still waiting for him…somehow. I know it’s not good but…I have nothing else to do. I wouldn’t want to commit to someone whom I am not sure about my feelings yet. I would only hurt him…and that of all, is the least thing I would want to do…and that I would never even want to do.

I just want “him”, the only person I love, to be happy now…somehow, that’s all that I always pray for. Hey, maybe he’s happy now. It was only this foolish heart of mine that is so perplexed and torn. And yet, he’d always remain a special part of me…something that makes my life complete.


  • Dear Anne
    First I'd like to thank u so much 4 responding coz it is really great to find someone out there interested in knowing others, so they can share whatever they want and what ever they can't share with close friends "if they had!"
    Second: U don't have to re-introduce urself coz I know ur blog very well and I'm happy 2 know u had the same hope as mine. I know u r one of the first contributers in this community and before I stopped checking the community I used to read ur blog, and U can find replies 4 previous posts of urs.
    Third: Would u please allow me to talk 2 u honestly about the situation u r havin'? This is exactly what friends 4, I guess, isn't it?
    Before I speak please 4give my honisty but I can't c such a situation without saying what I really think:
    I was hoping I can know more details about what happened so I might be able 2 help. This is exactly a situation I passed through like 5 or 6 years ago!! Exactly the same. Please if u r interested in knowing my opinion about this situation let me know. Please feel free 2 mail me.
    Fourth: Wow! I am really amazed about the huge changes that u added 2 ur blog, amazed 2 the limit that I am clearly asking 4 ur help, coz I tried many times to add such a staff 2 my blog but I failed, I am hoping if u can mail me some books to read or kindly some scripts u used coz I found some scripts over the net before but couldn't use them coz I didn't know how! Remember we r within the same community!
    I am qiet sure there r tons of guys dyin' just wanna talk 2 u, and I can't hide it, I'm one 2! ;)
    But I am not that kinda annoyin' as much as people out there so please consider mailing me, at least help me designing my blog better.
    Please forgive me coz interfering within ur problems but I really like 2 help.
    U have a whole life to live, and Future is Bright

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