A very special friend once asked me… “What’s the sense of being in a relationship when the two of you can be the best of friends?”

I just sighed in affirmation though we may have contradicting views on love and relationships.

As I see it… lovers first start off by being friends. And I think that good relationships begin that way. Because they had a longer time getting to know one another so it is easier for them to get along very well.
I remember a gal friend told me before, when she was narrating her breakup with her boyfriend. “How I wish we had started off as friends first…” and so the guy spoke to her and they agreed that they’d be friends first and see if everything could work out well the second time. And later she came back to me crying…it no longer worked.
Lovers can later be best friends. But it’s different when your friends , even more when you’ve learned to consider one another as the best friends you can always count on to…the friendship disappears when love comes in between. Because you don’t know now where to put yourself into position! I know most of you wouldn’t actually agree on this but…going back to the question again… the answer lies to the kiss. A kiss is an involuntary act that connects two people often associated with a mixture of different feelings… (that is if it is true). It is a sort of magic that brought two people together out of the real world for a moment…and some says… the time seems to come into a stop.
Tell me, if the feelings of a man for a woman who happens to be his friend evolved into something more that one day he woke up feeling that he never would want to leave her side anymore… can a man still kiss a woman with the same old feeling…? Would it still be the same kiss? Can friends kiss each other on the lips?? No. because if one of them gave in, the feelings break loose…no matter how they deny to themselves, they cannot erase the fact that indeed things have changed and that everything is no longer the same… so that’s the phase when you experience “weighing situations”….do I love him/her already? But what if this feeling only breaks us apart? I can’t afford to lose him/her… Like in my personal experience - we used to be very dear friends, but when emotions grew between us…I didn’t just lose the man I loved, I also lost my friend.
When you are committed to one another, that then sets the boundary between friendship and romantic love. There are certain things that you can do as a lover that you cannot do as a friend, and vice versa.
And so I believe…

A man and a woman could never ever be just friends… there would always be something that comes in between. Something that is more powerful, more perplex and yet even more. Something that is God-made.

Hmm… the other thing I am talking about… well, I’ll just keep it to myself in the mean time...until I finally figure it out…for sure, that is.

oh well, someday i hope to stand corrected...let's see...

Well…I think I’m just out of my league lately…I’m not even myself.

My friends would often joke about how stupid I stare into nothingness, as if waiting for something to fall from the sky! I guess I am…though nothing that I know of yet.

I’ve always wondered about the purpose of my existence… what in the world am I here for??

But having thought of this…something came up in my mind. Perhaps that is my mission after all…ya’ know, to figure out my purpose. Sounds quite absurd huh? See how a messed up mind works!! Ha-ha! I said so because…my lifelong search for the truth about my existence in this world provided as a fuel that kept me going all along. Just the mere fact of accepting inside me that I have something to live for in this world that I have yet to find out keeps me going on… and this what gives my life its meaning.
Ever since I was a child, I have started wondering: why did I have to live if I would soon have to die? Of course people would answer… “You are here to make the best out of what God has given you.” That I know. But how would I be able to know if my best is already enough? I believe each and one of us has a mission in this world, a mission that we try to fulfill during the course of life. Life, technically, is the span of time from being born to being dead. Whatever path we choose – whether the longest yet safest route or the fastest yet unpredictable path – we all lead to the same end. Death. But the possession of something to look forward to in the future, a sort of vision on how we are going to see ourselves someday gives us at least something to enjoy as we take life’s journey.

Life’s too short. That is if you’re an optimist. Life’s too long… that is if you haven’t figured out yet what drives your life into motion. And that what makes life boring…when you think as if everything’s just the same and nothing unique is going on around you. Life, definitely, without a purpose is dull. That’s why we have family and friends around us. We may all be struggling in our own ways, but together we make a difference. And we realize that life is worth living after all…

And until I finally figure out my purpose in this world…I would remain the same as the person that I always have… I will continue with the quest until I reach the end, attain my final goal and eventually…receive my rewards. Admit it; we do something when we know there is a reward awaiting us in the end.
“I’m going to pass the exam so I could watch the television the whole week!”
“I would try my best to win the match so everyone would be proud of me”…See, that is how people are geared. So it is but healthy to keep something to look forward to always. And lastly, always keep our faith in God, for He will guide us through the right track – toward the destiny He had long set for us.

The leaves of the trees start to shed off...
Of which will soon gather beneath the ground
The next day, it will be but skeletons in the midst of forenoon
And tomorrow still…
New leaves will sprout
Of pure green, healthy and sound. -moonlight butterfly


Letting go may sound complicated…

Yesterday, as had been my habitual custom, I’ve been in one of my favorite chat rooms in Yahoo! >>> Depressed Room, where I have already met a bunch of nice and decent online chatters whom were now my so-called “cyber friends”. A number of ‘depressed’ chatters visit our room where I am one of the “love counselors” and our last topic had been about forgetting…and the art of letting go.

Like the oldest cliché “time heals the wounds” goes…truly, it is only through time that the pain from a broken heart eventually subsides.

Just like the tree shedding off its leaves…so is forgetting someone who had once been a very special part of our lives…

Well, the difference is…

Trees have to let go of its old leaves to make way for the new ones so the trees could continue to live - they need new and healthy leaves that would manufacture its food.

The same is true with people…how can we get on with our lives if we continue to dwell on the past? Yeah, I know it’s always easier said than done but come to think of it… why can’t you let go?? What has been holding you back from moving on…?

Well, that’s the major problem among people. They’d say, “I want to forget. I want to move on…” when in reality they’re just eating everything they say! They want to move on, to get rid off the aches …but deep inside them they know that they are not willing yet to let go. They want to embrace the memories. Somehow, they hope and they long that something might still happen that could perhaps fix the problem…and that they’ll wake up someday and find everything back to normal - how it was back then.

But in many cases, it just no longer works. It’s dead end already and that you have no other choice but to forget and let go.

Love is just like a song. Now, it’s fresh, innovative…a sure fire hit! And tomorrow…it’s no longer that popular and ground-breaking as it has been. But if it’s true and sincere…it could as well be one of the reggaes that are revived and played in the radio over and over again.

As a matter of fact, forgetting is not really possible, most especially when that someone had created a mark on you, a mark that you will carry on for a lifetime. Because the truth is…you may forget the pain but never the person who caused it. For that someone had left us “distinctive” memories in a sense that…it is only with that someone that we share such precious moments, such memories that are indeed uniquely different and apart from the rest. Or you may not even forget everything but through time…eventually, it doesn’t hurt that bad anymore.

It is not the separation of you two that really hurts…it is the sudden stop of the love that you once used to share that is really devastating. Just like the breaking of your everyday routine or your habit...all of a sudden you feel clueless.

Think of it this way…

When someone left you with a scar in your heart…cry. But only for a while. Then smile after…why?
Because at least you found out too soon that he/she was not really the one for you…and that there’s someone better out there waiting for you. It may be your fault for not giving it your best shot…or it may not just worth it.

Why do the withered leaves fall down to the ground?

Sure, because of gravity you fool!

Enghkkkk!!! There is another answer to that.

Answer: Because the Lord now let them serve a different purpose for the tree – as fertilizers that will help nourish the tree. So, the old leaves didn’t leave the tree after all rather, it is one of the reasons why the tree continues to live on healthily.

So, our losses in the love arena are not s*** that only make our lives miserable. Hence, it provides us the lessons we need to learn and the foundation to support us in becoming the strong and sturdy tree that we are. So the next time we get hold of our boxing gloves, we’ll win the match! He he... We know then what and what not to do for our next relationship to be more meaningful and fruitful.

But still, we have to always bear in our minds that…to love is a challenge every one of us faces. There is no assurance of not getting hurt or a happily-ever-after ending…but learning to face the fact that the cycle of the art of letting go continues until you find that someone who is willing to stay.=)



**Sorry for quite another profound article… Argh! Boredom sure does kill me! Ha-ha! =)

I was too dumb to realize it all only now…

Instead of mourning for all the hurts it caused me, for all the pains I’ve been through… here I am, so stupid when I should have been beaming with joy after all.
I know it was almost time to move on. I was almost over him and yet…only “almost”.
But now, it’s about time for me to finally learn how to smile once more.
Why? Because now I know why it hurts this much, why it wounded this deep…and the reason for it is because…I loved almost selflessly.
Acceptance is truly a big part of moving on with your life…realizing that something had indeed went wrong and that it was about the right time for you to get back on track and live the rest of your life.

To love for the sake of being loved is human; to love for the sake of loving is pure.

And humans are naturally born to crave for attention, for love and for security…
I never thought I would love this much without ever asking for something in return. And this is what real love is…when you ignore your ego and you go where your heart longs to go. Oh yes, sometimes I hope I could just be loved back by that most special person in my life but…it’s just not worth it. And I’m tired of it…hoping and wishing…when in reality; it was all just a dream…
But instead of fighting for my own feelings…I gave way. I just let it flow…

If love is not meant to be…it never will.

The season of crying and crying and crying…is over. I’ve had enough. I’d rather laugh, though not real, at least I laugh…at least I try to. It’s one step ahead though.

Destiny may be the one which determines who enters our life…but it is the heart that decides who stays inside.

I let him rent a space in my heart and what did he do? He didn’t do an aftercare. He even messed it all up!
I’ve learned my lessons now… he’s not worth crying for anyway. My friends would even often scold me of loving toooooo muccchhhhh!!!! and otherwise ending up so torn. But, I just can’t help it! When I love, I tend to give all that I could…so that at the end, no one could ever blame me that I didn’t give enough. I let myself get hurt…I know a lot of people out there would think of it as stupidity. But you know what, those who think of it that way…probably had never really loved at all, or perhaps, never felt what real love is – the selfless love that is.
I know you’d say, “O c’mon! quit the crap! Stop this nonsensical talk. No one ever loves selflessly! That’s not even possible!”

Selfless love is not really giving your entire self…a matter of unrequited love, but letting yourself be freed from too much expectations that you will be loved back by the person whom you choose to love. That you should be loved back. Because there never really is assurance of it. Only the solace from the reality that:
Love is not because but inspite of.

If you are really meant for each other..time will come, if God permits it, no matter what happens…you’ll end up to be together! Happy in each other’s arms…
Here’s what I’ve learned in my crazy quest to find love:
1. You don’t set your standards for the ideal person whom you’re going to spend life with; your standards adjust to what qualities your significant other posses.
2. Love is blind, but more often than not do people mistake that it is “us” that are blinded…well, it’s half true. Humans are not really blind when it comes to love. They actually see the truth, the realities but they prefer not to see nor mind. Because such realities bite. But what we do not know is that the truth only hurts when you choose not to empty your heart of self-denials.
3. Small fights are healthy among couples. In that way, you know what each other think.
4. Jealousy is not even a way to show that you love a person and that you care. Well, that’s a common misconception. Jealousy, for me, is having all these “insecurities”, lack of trust and rather an act of selfishness.
5. Understanding is the main ingredient of a fruitful relationship and yet the hardest one to earn.
6. Mr./Ms. Perfect does not necessarily mean Mr./Ms. Right.

***TO YOU:
… I want to thank you…for teaching me of all the lessons I need to learn, so the next time I’ll fall in love again…it’ll be just about perfect. I love you but…goodbye. I’ll never forget though the years we’ve spent together and the moments of us that you’ve given me that I’ll surely treasure forever. I know I wouldn’t forget you…that’s not possible but, what I hope to forget is that I ever get hurt from loving so much. You’ll remain one of the sweetest pieces of puzzle completing my life…***

I was riding my way home in a bus when all these mellow music kept playing on and on and on…

I was so desperately depressed….and sad…and tormented…

I would constantly ask God why I still can’t forget him and move on if he’s not for me after all, but then I’d hear Him speak from the back of my mind saying… “You have learned a valuable lesson dear child, but it is time for you now to go through your own life. Stop dwelling on the past for you are closing your heart to the person I have really sent for you after all…”
How I wish it is that easy to do…who am I kidding? If it was, I could have done it a long time ago… but here I am, thinking of the what-could-have-beens and stuck with a bunch of what-ifs……

I have long wanted to let go…but I so fear that by letting go of the rope of the past…I might just end up falling in a deeper, much colder and darker well…or hole…or a scary pit of which I would never know escape. Yes, I don’t know what trust is anymore…even to trust my own self is as well a hard thing for me to do.

Meanwhile, I’ve been receiving this bunch of “consistent” yet strange phone calls for like almost…five months already. The phone will ring twice or thrice and before I could even pick it up to answer…the line dies. Sometimes, I match up to his timing…I had raised the mouth piece but…gosh, he would never speak up! He’s just there…listening to my voice…probably half bursting into laughter for my silliness. He’s like that for so long, like everyday…and he does it 2 or 3 times a day…in similar fashion! I don’t know what his problem is…hmm…. I’m already suspecting that it is someone I know…I guess. But why won’t he talk??? Only a few people know my number so…who could it be?

Sometimes I wish that…it was him. But….nah! Silly thought, why would he even bother.

One thing is just clear to me right now…I miss him. I miss him sooooo muchhhhh!!!! It kills me. I know I’ll never love this much again…not when I have been loving him this much still. I even wonder for sometimes…what would happen if we see each other again? Will there be a difference? What would he feel? How would I feel? Will I feel the same kind of feeling I had for him before?…would I realize then that he’s not for me after all or would the feeling only grow stronger?

Perhaps the reason why I can’t give my heart yet to somebody else, to the many of guys out there waiting for me…is because until this very moment, I’m still holding on. I’m still waiting for him…somehow. I know it’s not good but…I have nothing else to do. I wouldn’t want to commit to someone whom I am not sure about my feelings yet. I would only hurt him…and that of all, is the least thing I would want to do…and that I would never even want to do.

I just want “him”, the only person I love, to be happy now…somehow, that’s all that I always pray for. Hey, maybe he’s happy now. It was only this foolish heart of mine that is so perplexed and torn. And yet, he’d always remain a special part of me…something that makes my life complete.

I was one of those people, let say, who had dealt with death for an awful lot of times. When I was still a little girl, I had this measles, my parents told me it was terrible that they thought I almost gonna die then. Back in grade school, I accidentally hit my head on the ground due to a game of jumping rope and I lost a lot of blood. And during in my high school days…well…the moment I never thought would ever come in my life. Someone, for no reasonable explanations…aimed a gun at me. And to think how close he is to my heart, one of those people I truly respect and honor and love…and now, I fear. Not that he has grown cruel to me…Sometimes he just doesn’t understands me. He was furious then, I heard screams from people around me… I was not actually thinking of myself that moment. Unbelievably…I didn’t even feel scared or anything. I was even more worried about him, the person who tried to kill me, and all the people around me.
It’s okay if I die… I don’t feel anything right now. They need him more than they need me… if it’s my time already, then so be it.
And just when I thought he’s gonna pull the trigger…he didn’t.

And then there are moments that the bus I’m riding home with will crash into another…but it was nothing serious.

You see, death is unpredictable. We never know when the final calling will come so we must be prepared for it.

Why are we afraid of DEATH?

It is not death that we are actually afraid of – it’s the fear of the unknown. Most of us have no idea what happens after the last breath ran out of us…of where we’ll go or where we’re going to be. Who knows anyway? So we try to find an assurance…where? To the promises of eternal life after death by some religions. Because we want to suppress that fear of being lost, of being unsafe, of lack of certainty in this world.
I remember what my professor in Humanities (oh I’m beginning to love her now!) told us:
“When a loved one died…do you mourn for him/her or do you mourn for yourself?”

Somehow she’s right. We cry, we grieve for the loss…but what were we thinking??

Oh, my beloved! Why did you leave me? Why did you have to die? Why did this have to happen? What would have become of me now? I cannot live without you…”

See, we only think of ourselves. We cry because we are left here…left still in this world as vulnerable and confused puny little mortals. =^-^=

To tell you the truth, to cry for the loss of someone so dear to you is an act of selfishness. Not that I’m already numb or insensitive whatsoever. But because ‘till that very last minute…we don’t want to let go of him/her. Funny how it may sound but… we don’t own him/her. The Lord just lent them to us, to be a part of our lives, to teach us of the lessons we need to learn, to help us in the battles we need to win…for us not to feel alone in this world!

We don’t own them so we don’t have the right to hold them so tight.

“Like a bird always eager to fly; so are humans always eager to venture the world – himself” -anne

Though I have not yet experienced losing someone I love so much in my life…not yet – and I hope not….not until I’m ready for it.

I hope that people won’t fear death anymore and that everyone will be able to accept the fact that death is just a matter of being complete…

In what sense? It’s an indicator that you have finally fulfilled your mission in this world, you have finally figured out the purpose of your existence and that you are worthy enough now to be born again and be with our Lord.

No matter how hard I try...it's not just enough. People only see you when you've done something wrong or something plausible to their advantage. And it marks. But when you try to do something good, they hardly notice you. What they see are the faults that back it up. When you're lying in a bed made out of wood, what you recognize are the flaws in it: uncomfortability, dullness, et cetera. What you cannot see is the fact that you're lucky enough not to sleep on the ground. People are just not aware of the reality. It's when we thought the world had almost turned its back on us that we cannot feel how much we should be grateful of that we still have at least another day to live. We feel so bad and everything just hurt that we forget to be thankful that at least we still have the power to feel. People always get caught in the same mistakes. Same trap. Same losses. For they are easily deceived by what first impress them. For people only see what their eyes want to see. It is not us that rule our fates when we should have been, but it's our fate that rule us.. Yes, God have written our destiny long before we've been brought into this world and it depends on us whether we want to get on our track easy or choose the long path, the other way around...but the safest and the surest way. People are vulnerable in nature. People are similar to the mechanism of a device. It wouldn't start unless push to it. It wouldn't stop unless it is finally destroyed. But what we do not know, from the destroyed peices there still are some particles left worth picking for to start with. You just have to press the reset button. To undo what is done. To refrain from the horrors of redundancy. What is done can no longer be undone, truly, yet those are the half of the missing pieces of a broken glass. And half yet to discover. We must not look at our reflection in the glass..we must see through it. Only to be surprised that there is so much more to see in a human heart that we have long ignored.

Love, love, love…OMG!

What is love? I’m sure a lot of us have encountered this question many times already, most especially when our friends would ask us to write on their slumbooks, autographs or whatever you call it, surveys what have you.

The truth is, there is really not a concrete meaning or even explanation for the word love because love is indefinable. Love is the greatest thing on earth because it’s the greatest gift we’ve received from God. More often than not we define love by the feeling we feel for a particular someone of the opposite sex but that is only one classification of love. There are certain types of love like love for god, love for your friends, love for your family, love for country, a mother’s love to her child, love for nature et cetera et cetera. But we will focus more on the most complicated type of love; the one we often refer to as love…a love for someone of the opposite sex.

When do we know that we’ve fallen in love? Well, like everyone else’s, you just know it when you feel it. You really can’t tell when cupid’s arrow struck you but it’s truly a different feeling. Yet, most of us instantly jump into conclusion and that’s the reason why we often mistaken love from infatuation not knowing that love is not hurried, it is rather developed. There is no even such a thing as “love at first sight”, now that’s infatuation only and as you grow to know each other more day by day…that is the start of what we call “love”.

*Just always remember, when it’s stronger – it’s love. When it’s selfless – it’s love. When it’s more of acceptance and sacrifices – it’s love. When it’s more of opening you up to reality – it’s love. When it’s more of giving than receiving – it’s love. And most important of all, if it lasts longer which makes it hard to forget amidst the pain – it’s love.

>>>to read more...check out my file "love" on the sidelist