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  • Mystery caller...

    I was riding my way home in a bus when all these mellow music kept playing on and on and on…

    I was so desperately depressed….and sad…and tormented…

    I would constantly ask God why I still can’t forget him and move on if he’s not for me after all, but then I’d hear Him speak from the back of my mind saying… “You have learned a valuable lesson dear child, but it is time for you now to go through your own life. Stop dwelling on the past for you are closing your heart to the person I have really sent for you after all…”
    How I wish it is that easy to do…who am I kidding? If it was, I could have done it a long time ago… but here I am, thinking of the what-could-have-beens and stuck with a bunch of what-ifs……

    I have long wanted to let go…but I so fear that by letting go of the rope of the past…I might just end up falling in a deeper, much colder and darker well…or hole…or a scary pit of which I would never know escape. Yes, I don’t know what trust is anymore…even to trust my own self is as well a hard thing for me to do.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been receiving this bunch of “consistent” yet strange phone calls for like almost…five months already. The phone will ring twice or thrice and before I could even pick it up to answer…the line dies. Sometimes, I match up to his timing…I had raised the mouth piece but…gosh, he would never speak up! He’s just there…listening to my voice…probably half bursting into laughter for my silliness. He’s like that for so long, like everyday…and he does it 2 or 3 times a day…in similar fashion! I don’t know what his problem is…hmm…. I’m already suspecting that it is someone I know…I guess. But why won’t he talk??? Only a few people know my number so…who could it be?

    Sometimes I wish that…it was him. But….nah! Silly thought, why would he even bother.

    One thing is just clear to me right now…I miss him. I miss him sooooo muchhhhh!!!! It kills me. I know I’ll never love this much again…not when I have been loving him this much still. I even wonder for sometimes…what would happen if we see each other again? Will there be a difference? What would he feel? How would I feel? Will I feel the same kind of feeling I had for him before?…would I realize then that he’s not for me after all or would the feeling only grow stronger?

    Perhaps the reason why I can’t give my heart yet to somebody else, to the many of guys out there waiting for me…is because until this very moment, I’m still holding on. I’m still waiting for him…somehow. I know it’s not good but…I have nothing else to do. I wouldn’t want to commit to someone whom I am not sure about my feelings yet. I would only hurt him…and that of all, is the least thing I would want to do…and that I would never even want to do.

    I just want “him”, the only person I love, to be happy now…somehow, that’s all that I always pray for. Hey, maybe he’s happy now. It was only this foolish heart of mine that is so perplexed and torn. And yet, he’d always remain a special part of me…something that makes my life complete.

  • Myself

    I was here…and
    I am here
    In this room
    What am I thinking?
    Just when I thought I had finally figured out the purpose of my existence
    Here I am, again
    Lost and confused
    There are a lot of roads…each leads to somewhere
    But how will I ever know?
    Which one to take, which one to pass by?
    A ray of light shone on my face
    How will I know if it was the sun?
    It was the break of twilight
    And I desperately need the warmth
    Like a little moth easily attracted by fire
    I, like a mere child, don’t know how to think at all
    Grab all the opportunities I can… Carpe Diem!
    Take all the chances I could
    Conceive all the beauty that could possibly envelop my mind
    My unconscious…my real self
    Who are you in the mirror?
    Staring back at me with dark, heavy, downcast eyes
    Isn’t it ironic?
    How easy it is to laugh and cry
    But to feel nothing…is to feel everything.
    I hate it! I hate it!
    Who am I?
    Inside this mischievous grin
    Inside this fancy apparel
    Inside this shell of mortality
    Behind the cascade of clear waters
    The tormented Psyche…
    I hate it! I hate it!
    I couldn’t reach out my hand
    To touch you, to feel you…
    I can’t hear my cries
    I can see no one out there
    Comforting hands that held me once
    Soft shoulder to weigh my tears
    Eyes that see beyond what is there in me to see
    Don’t go…
    To lose you again is like losing
    …all that was left in me.

  • Talk about...DEATH

    I was one of those people, let say, who had dealt with death for an awful lot of times. When I was still a little girl, I had this measles, my parents told me it was terrible that they thought I almost gonna die then. Back in grade school, I accidentally hit my head on the ground due to a game of jumping rope and I lost a lot of blood. And during in my high school days…well…the moment I never thought would ever come in my life. Someone, for no reasonable explanations…aimed a gun at me. And to think how close he is to my heart, one of those people I truly respect and honor and love…and now, I fear. Not that he has grown cruel to me…Sometimes he just doesn’t understands me. He was furious then, I heard screams from people around me… I was not actually thinking of myself that moment. Unbelievably…I didn’t even feel scared or anything. I was even more worried about him, the person who tried to kill me, and all the people around me.
    It’s okay if I die… I don’t feel anything right now. They need him more than they need me… if it’s my time already, then so be it.
    And just when I thought he’s gonna pull the trigger…he didn’t.

    And then there are moments that the bus I’m riding home with will crash into another…but it was nothing serious.

    You see, death is unpredictable. We never know when the final calling will come so we must be prepared for it.

    Why are we afraid of DEATH?

    It is not death that we are actually afraid of – it’s the fear of the unknown. Most of us have no idea what happens after the last breath ran out of us…of where we’ll go or where we’re going to be. Who knows anyway? So we try to find an assurance…where? To the promises of eternal life after death by some religions. Because we want to suppress that fear of being lost, of being unsafe, of lack of certainty in this world.
    I remember what my professor in Humanities (oh I’m beginning to love her now!) told us:
    “When a loved one died…do you mourn for him/her or do you mourn for yourself?”

    Somehow she’s right. We cry, we grieve for the loss…but what were we thinking??

    Oh, my beloved! Why did you leave me? Why did you have to die? Why did this have to happen? What would have become of me now? I cannot live without you…”

    See, we only think of ourselves. We cry because we are left here…left still in this world as vulnerable and confused puny little mortals. =^-^=

    To tell you the truth, to cry for the loss of someone so dear to you is an act of selfishness. Not that I’m already numb or insensitive whatsoever. But because ‘till that very last minute…we don’t want to let go of him/her. Funny how it may sound but… we don’t own him/her. The Lord just lent them to us, to be a part of our lives, to teach us of the lessons we need to learn, to help us in the battles we need to win…for us not to feel alone in this world!

    We don’t own them so we don’t have the right to hold them so tight.

    “Like a bird always eager to fly; so are humans always eager to venture the world – himself” -anne

    Though I have not yet experienced losing someone I love so much in my life…not yet – and I hope not….not until I’m ready for it.

    I hope that people won’t fear death anymore and that everyone will be able to accept the fact that death is just a matter of being complete…

    In what sense? It’s an indicator that you have finally fulfilled your mission in this world, you have finally figured out the purpose of your existence and that you are worthy enough now to be born again and be with our Lord.

  • Take a minute…and understand

    ***Dear God,
    I have known You since birth… Your Name my father and mother utter long before I was born. I don’t see You, or touch You and yet… I believe in You..
    *Why are all the words in this letter that refers to You start in capitals? Well, that is my way…one of the ways…of showing my utmost respect for You.
    Before, I have always wondered why I believe in You… why I’m so deeply affected and touched and inspired by You… who are You in my life anyway? Then I realized…You are here for me, more than just a friend when all of my so-called friends had left me, when all of the people I trust failed me, when I’m left with no one, not even with myself…. and whenever I’m depressed I would always ask, “dear God, where are You in my time of need?” but I’d only end up realizing that… you never left me all along.

    I always complain, complain, complain…I was never satisfied with my life… and now I know why. Because this is my life…the life that I made, the path that I chose to take. When I should have been letting Him lead the way, here I am always bragging, “I can do this on my own”.

    But doesn’t that take away my right over my own?! This is my life after all.
    ::Hey you! Who do you think gave you your life by the way?? He gave us free will with the hope that we’ll learn to use it right. Sometimes, we just don’t know what to do and that’s when we must know how to surrender under God’s will.::

    Before I was so confused about this crazy world I’m living in. Religion is nothing. It doesn’t matter that much, whatever you may be…a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist etc… what’s important is that we have our own beliefs. Heck, this is not something that should start discourses and fight over different peoples! We have our own ways…

    With whom will I have faith in? How do I know who to trust? How do I know what is true and what is not?

    “Direct the good wind to my sail, oh Lord, lead my ship to Your ocean…”

    I was born Christian… a Roman Catholic. All my life I have believed in the existence of God, about salvation, about heaven and earth… because that’s what I grew to believe in, and what all the people around me believe in too. It is only now that I finally came closer to the truth. Come to think of it, how did this Christianity or everything about God start anyway? The Theory of Creation…the legend that has been passed on from tongue to tongue of which was inscribed in the bible – the best-selling book of all seasons.

    How sure are we that there hadn’t been any distortions, misinformation whatever in the bible?
    If one would closely examine the bible, it was kind of “imposing” a patriarchal form of society. They even denote God with “He” and “His” and “Him”… God the Father…

    Who said that God is a male anyway?? I thought God is a spirit…the Supreme Being rather.

    Now I’ll ask you… who wrote the bible anyway? Men. Yes, men.

    I believe in God as the Supreme being, the only God there is… I don’t believe that reading the bible could save one’s soul from the fiery underworld. It is only in one’s faith in God that matters.
    I don’t even go to church often to hear the mass…each and everyone of us has different understanding and perceptions about our God. We don’t have to be influenced by other people’s point of views. Hey, that’s what they believe in. C’mon, you can have it all figured out and understood by your own. In that way, you strengthen your relationship with God. Going to church…yeah right, just becoming a mere façade of the masses nowadays…everyone has their own personal interests.

    And there is really this intriguing fact about the bible, and I couldn’t agree more with my professor in Humanities when she told us in our lecture:
    “It was said in the bible that the Lord told Adam and Eve that they can eat every fruit in every tree except for that particular tree – the tree of Knowledge. Come to think of it, why would the Lord tell them that? If we will look at it in Psychological point of view…it would be reverse psychology, and telling someone not to do a certain thing would only encourage him to do it!”

    In my opinion…perhaps the Lord wanted Adam and Eve to eat the fruit from that tree after all because He wanted a change. Since eating the fruit will make you no longer an immortal but a mortal already…only then will they know what is god. It is only then that they would believe in Him as the God Almighty.

    How often do you talk to Him?

    Communicating with God doesn’t have to be a ritual, a routine like for example “ok, I’ll pray every 7 o’clock in the morning and then 7 in the evening…a bunch of Our Fathers, Hail Marys and Glory Bes will do”

    Hey, what do you really want to say exactly to God? What do you really want Him to know?

    As a matter of fact, I talk to God, well, whenever I want to!
    “Lord, I was really grateful of this day…thank You”
    “Lord, I was so confused…please help me figure out what to do”
    “Lord…nothing, he he…just wanna say I love You”

    For me, it doesn’t really have to be that “formal”, premade prayers but something that really comes from the heart.Ü

    I know that the Lord is always right here by my side…I’ve proven His love for me. I’ve always sought for His love, help and comfort whenever I get lost and so scared. And He never failed me.
    A lot of people today are misled and desolated…why? Because they’re confused with their faith in God…which one to believe in. During this time…who wouldn’t be? When they didn’t get what they asked from God they complain…they blame Him of all the wrong things that are going on in their life. But it really is their faults. And haven’t you thought about God…? What would He feel about all these rejections He get from us? And still…He never complained.

    Whatever God gives us is important…and just exactly what we needed.
    “God answers our prayers in 3 ways:
    He says YES and gives us want we want;
    He says NO and gives us something better;
    He says WAIT and gives us the best.”

    God loves us so much and I think, it is about time that we “truly” love Him in return.

    Please click the following link… this is really inspirational..Ü


  • Antichrist issue

    Rumor has it and it was told that the bible foretold it that the next pope is an antichrist… the issue has been circulating around the world….

    Who knows whether or not it’s true..?

    I don’t believe it…neither do I believe in it.

    It’s because the world “antichrist” itself has been so misconceived by people nowadays. Or it’s because lesser number of people are reading the bible now.

    Antichrist refers to something against God…..probably the devil itself. We wouldn’t see one with horns and a tail (well, not literally)…..and where the world speaks of its evilness. The devil has the ability to imitate everything good that God has created. Hmm….scary huh? Yes it’s true. That’s why a lot of people are being mislead and confused…
    A false prophet is an antichrist. Fortune tellers and statues of saints are too…
    “Statues of saints??”, you ask.
    Well, anything that deviates our attention to God is a form of antichrist.
    So about the issue…
    The next pope is an antichrist?
    There’s a way to change that claim…
    If in his goodness we become blinded that we believe that he’s the one who give us the miracles and not God, that he’s the one who heals, gives comfort and unites people…and if we treat him like almost a god, even more than how we praise the Holy Mighty One…then he in that case he becomes a figure of antichrist and that we are commiting the biggest sin there is!

    Remember the first commandment:
    “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.”

    The reason why we are lost now is because we abandon God on our way. We always think that we could make it alone. God will help us through, if we just don’t fail to seek for his assistance; amidst the perplexities and struggles we face in our everyday lives. Strengthen your faith in God….the God Almighty…the only true God there is…it’s our only salvation. For He will provide us the only truth.

    “The kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you; not in buildings of stones or statues of marbles. In strip of wood, seek and you shall find Me.”

  • Where's the missing piece?

    All my life I’ve been constantly searching for something…not that I know of…
    ..not that I know how to find
    Nobody understands me…
    And so everyone is fooled by the jolly and cheerful mask that I wear
    How come no one reaches inside, beyond this strong façade that I built for years?
    How can no one see the weak and lonely little child inside yearning for someone to warm her cold and trembling hands?
    “You have a wonderful life”, they’d always say
    What life? …who has?
    This nobody who claims to be somebody??
    This someone who has always been left out, backstabbed, taken advantage of…?
    I, who knows nothing about trust anymore?...of what real friends are?...of what true love is?
    And who, in the middle of gaiety, stops for a while to shed tears…?
    The little do they know.
    If I would fight back to defend myself, I’d lost the only people that I have…
    …the so-called “people who cares”
    Oh, how I love to sing and dance in the rain for they would never know how hard I cry…
    I’ve always been that miss goody-pants
    Innocent and sweet…and they love that part of me
    But I’m tired of pretending…of not being me
    Of being insensitive, of being alone
    My whole life I’ve been stuck here, in my own self-built prison wall of hurt and fears
    No one hears my screams, my cries, my pleas…
    Only nice people know what hurt is…for they are the only ones who allow it to happen
    Oh the old cliché, “hurt teaches us how to love”
    Reality bites, that I know.
    And so I’m left with no one…
    Miss Smarty-pants me has lots of friends
    Miss Popular me, Miss Cover girl me, Miss Congeniality me, Miss Someone-you-can-always-count-on-to me, and Miss Love Counselor me have plenty of chums too
    But the “real me” have 2 companions: myself and I
    I lost the key
    I lost the greatest piece of the puzzle
    Most of all…I lost “me”.

  • OT 101

    What the heck is an OT???

    This is what I told my self before having any knowledge of it...

    At first, when I was still writing down the course I would like to enroll in college. My first choice was of course, the ever in-demand "BS Nursing"... yeah, just because of "parents-told-me-to" thing...well, I didn't personally like it. What I really wanted to take in the first place was electronics and communications engineering...or something which has to do with interior designing stuff...but I bummed! Instead, I wrote nursing as a first choice...and....BS Occupational Therapy as my second choice in the most prestigious premier state University of the Philippines. Why? My friend told me it's good... and because my sister needs special care...from an OT that is, so I wanted to help her...hopefully...someday. (Though it was just my second reason at first)

    Occupational Therapy is a field ...uhm... let's just define it this way.

    These are some unique definitions of OT that I came across in the net:
    "A physical therapist will teach you how to walk; an occupational therapist will teach you how to dance"

    "How many OT does it talk to light a bulb? None. The occupational therapist will teach the bulb to light itself"

    And the ever famous proverb that is most apt to define what an OT does:
    "Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day; Teach a man how to fish and you'll feed him for a lifetime"

    Pretty inspirational stuffs huh? Why am I telling this to you? Well, why don’t you ask yourself first... why are you reading my post anyway? But since you're reading it already... Im not in the position to give you the correct definition of an OT nor am I a professional in this kind of field... oh yes! You heard it right; I enjoy being an OT now!!!!!! Unbelievable? he he...it’s because OT is the most wonderful job there is!!! Let me tell you bout my past experience so you'll understand.=)

    On the 6th of April 2005, we were asked to do this observation for an OT clinic as a pre-requisite for a major subject we are going to take in our second year in college that will last for about five days. At first, I was reluctant about it…I thought it would be boring and all but...it was fun! It was rather great!

    My first observation was with this little girl…she has ADL (im not sure) and she was all this dizzy all the time as the therapist guides her and teach her how to grip a spoon, put the food on her mouth and chew it…yes, you read it right, step-by-step. I was pretty amazed by how patient these people (the therapists) are, despite the children’s whining, throwing everything their hands got to touch, crying biting, and occasional uncooperativeness…he/she remains patient and loving but firm.

    The second one is with this little kudos having an ongoing toddler’s class or something. They said it boosts their socialization skill and participation as a group. But there is this one child that the instant he entered the room…he started crying and crying that he’s unstoppable! So the other kids go on crying too. And when I gazed outside to see the parents peering through the glass door, some of them were crying as they watch their little ones…I was deeply touched. It was so much a burden for the parents to see their child suffering; unaware of the reality they’ve been going about. And during this pre-play session that we got to participate in and even played with the kids…there is this one child that I could never forget. The therapist told us that he (the kido) whenever roams around the mall or somewhere with his parents…he’d go to the prettiest girl on that place and would hold her hands, and he especially like kissing people. And all the while, during the entire session, he would always turn to his back (where I was) and would blow kisses at me. Or he would climb down his armchair and would kiss my cheeks. So sweet. He even calls himself, the “kissing bandit”. And before the therapy session ends, he told me, “go to my house, play with my toys”. Awwww….sweet! little angel.=)
    And everyday, during our observations, I’ve witnessed a lot of activities and kinds of therapies the “teachers” employs to these little kids. Mostly concerns the child’s Sensory Integration, Motor Planning and Socialization Skills. Oh, heck! I’ll learn more about that in my second and third year.Ü and I think, now, I’m already ahead with my classmates! Coz I’ve already learned a lot of things about what an OT is through this observation thing…

    When you’re handling a child…no matter how smarty-pants you are back in college with all these terms you memorized in your major subjects…it is less likely useful. I mean, I’m not saying that it won’t matter….it will. It’s just that, no matter how much you know about occupational therapy, still, it’s different strokes, for different folks, in this case, when it comes to the patients. Though special children deserve special care, what you are trying to impose upon them is a world like that of normal children. So you must learn how to establish rapport, when to be gentle and when to be strict. You shouldn’t let the child control you that you’ll give in to his demands so he’ll follow you…you have to show him who’s the boss. I’m not saying it’s about building tyranny or whatsoever over the kids, it’s a matter of teaching them and making them realize that not all the time they’d get what they want. They should learn how to wait for their turn, wait for the instructions of their teachers or parents before doing anything, be independent and learn how to listen and pay attention. And this goes to “normal” kids as well.

    This 5-day observation changed my life entirely…

    I finally realized that I’m on the right track all along. I wanted to be an OT someday. Not because of the extra high salary…of course I admit, it was a part of it. More importantly, I want to help these young people. I want to be a part of their lives. I admire the OTs who never seems to get tired of molding the lives of these young and innocent children that are “uniquely” different that makes them apart from the rest yet special and indeed, smart individuals who are also a part of this world. I hope that people wouldn’t look down on them (special kids with CP, ADHD, DS etc.) anymore. That they’d think they are hopeless because of their sickness and that they are burdens of the community. You know what I think about the people who think this way? They are the real hopeless ones. They are the real burdens of the community. Because though normal, they couldn’t be effective individuals in their own ways. Heck, they’re just wasting their lives!

    Being an OT entails so much responsibility. Coz you are like the second parent of your patients. The parents would trust you with their little ones and these little “special” ones give you the same amount of trust and love as well. So an OT, is not just a course mastered, it’s a matter of commitment and dedication. An OT is not made; he is born. And he’s probably the most compassionate being there is. How I wish I could be a good OT someday. I want my patients to love me too, I just love children and I love seeing those happy faces staring back at me.

    “Choose a job that you love and you never work for a day”

    That’s what we should always bear in mind. So we’ll never regret anything at the end. And I assure you, you wouldn’t enjoy being an OT if you don’t love it and just go for the money.

    And you know the best part of it…? YOU GET ALL THE HUGS AND KISSES THAT YOU WANT! Well, from the kids, that is.=)

    Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading my article as much as I enjoyed typing it. Ta ta for now! (~^.^~)